Washington, D.C. In one of his final acts as President, Barack Obama today revoked the Second Amendment and banned all private ownership of firearms. In addition, President Obama said he will use every branch of the U.S. Military to remove every gun from every household in America starting tomorrow at 6AM EST. Anyone failing to comply with this Presidential decree will be summarily executed on the spot. Anyone attempting to hide a gun or guns, will be summarily executed on the spot. Lastly, anyone complaining about any of this will be summarily executed on the spot. Thanks for your time, and may God bless America.
Get ready to laugh your backside off this fall when TACP Studios new film, Barack And The Giant Peach comes to a theater near you. The film stars Barack Obama as a poor peach farmer named Barack Pickleburger who comes across a magical talking giant peach, played by Donald Trump, while picking peaches in his peach tree orchard one day.
The two immediately get into a name-calling contest over whose political ideas regarding the inalienable rights of peaches are correct. Barack strongly feels peaches are here to be freely eaten by humans and emphatically says things like, “The only good peach is a chewed peach.” And, “A peach not being eaten has absolutely no business being in America.”
Donald Trump, as the Giant Peach, retorts with witty comments like these: “Peaches are valuable just because we are. Eating us is not only unnecessary, it’s barbaric and cruel.” And, “If you don’t stop eating my people, I’m going to build a wall around this peach tree orchard so you can’t get to it, and I’m gonna make YOU pay for it.” Enjoy the laughs this fall! Buy your tickets now for Barack And The Giant Peach on Fandango before they’re all sold out. This is a film you most definitely do not want to miss.
Unbelievableville, New Jersey. News out of the Middle East today is that former Pope, Benedict, has converted to Islam in order to wed a 12-year-old girl he first saw while on vacation in Orlando this past winter. “I saw her coming off the ‘It’s A Small World’ ride at Disney World and knew I had to have her,” said Benedict, who now calls himself Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo. “My mind immediately began to race toward ways I could possess a young girl both legally and morally, and I decided the best way would be to convert to Islam, kidnap the child, take her to a country run by fanatical Muslim idealists, and marry the bitch there. That’s exactly what I did, too. And there ain’t a fuckin’ thing anyone can do or say about it because my faith allows my disgusting behavior. And, since the world gives religion a blind deference, you can just piss off if you don’t like it.” It is not known which Muslim country Sheikh BaBa BooBoo is living in, but President Obama released a statement today claiming his hands were tied in this matter due to it being a religious issue and imaginary, invisible beings were involved that could send him to Hell if he angered them by interfering.
Jedi Temple, Coruscant. According to Jedi sources embedded within the Republican Party, an ancient Sith practice, last performed by Darth Nixon himself, was recently used to resurrect Lord Nixon’s Dark Side apprentice, Gerald Ford, from the grave in order to obliterate Obama Care and its creator, President Obi Wan “Barack” Obama himself.
The plan failed, however, when Ford, true to his former form, tripped on the edge of his grave while climbing out and fell back in, crushing his decaying skull to fragments in the process. A cry of rage went up from the hundreds of Republicans who had gathered to witness this dark event. As they left, they swore that the power of the Dark Side would yet prevail, and all non-Christians, along with all those living below the poverty line, would, indeed, be destroyed.
TACP is very proud to present: “A Christmas Carol,” with Pat Robertson as Scrooge, Barack Obama as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and the ghost of Christopher Hitchens as The Ghost of Christmases yet to come. The film opens on Christmas Eve. Get your tickets early, cause this movie is gonna rock! Brief scenes from the script by Quintin Tarantino will be presented on an ongoing basis right here to whet your appetite for the movie. The film was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Lars Von Trier and features a sound track by John Williams.
Scene one: Scrooge’s bedroom, dusk. Scrooge is tossing darts at a dart board with the words “Obama Care” written in the bull’s-eye. The Ghost of Christmas Past enters by crawling through an open window, startling Scrooge.
Scrooge: What in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, do you think you’re doing crawling into my house, black person? One call and your humbug butt gets arrested; then found guilty, and then executed for being a black man who crawled into a white man’s house through the window.
Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you how past Christmases have helped turn you into the grouchy-ass racist mother fucker you are today, Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: Racist? I’m not racist. Two of my septic tank cleaners are black, and another is an illegal alien who I pay a whopping 15 cents a day to. Humbug, I say! Humbug! I’m about as progressive as you can get after surpassing a certain tax bracket. I’m conservative, a Tea Party member, a Christian, white, and rich. You, know, a real American.
Ghost: Believe me, sir, you are far from being progressive on anything. Now, take my hand and I’ll transport you back to earlier Christmases so you can see how the mother fucker you are today was formed.
Scrooge: Hand? I have to touch you to do this? But you’re black. I might catch something. Have you done this before?
Ghost: Just take my fucking hand before I kick your old white ass all over the damn room.
Scrooge takes the Ghost’s hand and we fade to black.
End of part one.
President Obama accidentally put a selfie on his Facebook page today which reveals him to be what conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years he is: The Anti-Christ. “OK,” said the President. “I fucked up and I’m busted. So I’m the friggin’ Anti-Christ. So what? Wadda ya gonna do now, sue me? I’d like to see you try. I’m the bloody Anti-Christ for Christ sake! I’ll fucking flay you alive and eat you while your heart is still beating if you even look at me funny. I’ll bet there are a lot of Tea Party members and other Right Wing Conservatives pissing themselves right about now,eh? And rightly so, cause let me be clear on one thing my Republican friends, I’m going to fuck you up. BAD! If you think Obama Care sucked, wait til you get a taste of Obama’s Hell Fire special. It comes complete with a pike for me to impale you on and an open-pit of unending fire for me to place you over so I can watch your flesh bubble off your tight-ass conservative bones for eternity. The Illuminati and I were planning on waiting til a Republican next got elected to the White House to reveal ourselves as the demons we are, but what the hey, the best laid plans, etc, etc, etc. So, that’s about it then. I’m the Anti-Christ and you, starting with the Republicans, are all fucked. I’m not sparing anyone because, to tell the truth, I was treated like shit during my Presidential tenure and I’m really fucking pissed off about it. I’ll see you all real soon now, ya hear? Love, The Anti-Christ, Barack Obama.”
Greetings. I’m Dick Boikins, your weather conspiracy forecaster here at TACP presses. I’m here to give you the REAL forecast for the weather you think you are experiencing. What do I mean by this, my poor brain-washed friends? Let me explain. For the past few days, local weather forecasters in Chicago have been telling people it’s sunny and pleasant there with temps in the low 70’s. Yeah, right. And I suppose Miley Cyrus ISN’T a member of the Illuminati helping pave the way for Barrack Obama to reveal his true identity as the anti-Christ either.
Idiots! Blind idiots. That’s what you are if you actually BELIEVE the lies that emanate from weather forecasting conspirators who tell you it’s pleasant and sunny outside. Fools! Do you actually trust your senses? Do you think that just because it IS sunny and pleasant outside that it truly IS sunny and pleasant outside? Idiots! You’re mere puppets to the Illuminati if you trust only that which can be proven and fail to believe that which can not. You must open your eyes and have faith in the only truth there really is: no evidence is true evidence. Thus, in reality, it isn’t sunny and pleasant in Chicago. No. It’s hot there, very hot; as is every place else on Earth. That’s how the anti-Christ wants it to be. This is the only truth there is. And it is your inability to see this truth that makes it true. So WAKE UP or die. The choice is yours. I’m Dick Boikins, and that’s the weather. The REAL weather.