Transville, New Jersey. A Republican scientist today revealed that Donald Trump is more woman than man. “It may be hard to believe, given her misogynistic messages and hate-filled rants,” Republican scientist, Ben Meover, said earlier today, “but it’s totally true. Donald Trump is more woman than man, and would more appropriately be named, Donna Trump than Donald. Her rage and anger during her rallies are due to the high level of estrogen flowing through her veins, and she’d be much calmer if she simply admitted she was, indeed, a woman and not a man. I beg you, Donna, stop this charade and admit who you are. It’s OK, girl, I’m here to cuddle you. End the rage at your rallies and be the girl you are. It’s OK.” The Arm Chair Pontificator supports all transgender people, even Donna Trump. $Amen$
In shockingly ironic news today, 89 people were killed, and dozens more critically injured, when a crazed gunman opened fire at an NRA convention in Paris, Texas. “There were bullets and blood spraying everywhere,” said NRA spokeswoman, Silkie V. Gina.
“I was in the middle of giving my speech on how Jesus commands all Americans to be armed for protection against atheists and Democrats, when, out of nowhere, a tall, crazed looking fellow resembling Moses, leaped onto the stage and began firing an automatic assault rifle into the crowd. The screams were deafening, and the smell of people soiling themselves overwhelming. I’ve never seen, or smelt, anything like it.
As he was firing away, the biblical-looking gunman repeatedly shouted out, ‘This is for all the kids killed with the guns you mother fuckers helped put into the hands of their killers.’ He continued to shoot and shout until one of our less soiled members grabbed a nearby hardbound edition of the King James Bible, rushed the stage, and bashed the gunman over the head with it, several times. That he wasn’t killed himself while doing this can only be attributed to a miracle that came from the The Bible he used to bash in the gunman’s skull. Since the gunman was killed, we’ll never truly know what caused him to slaughter our members like he did, but, if we get anything out of this at all, it is this: Without guns, Bibles, and babes, no American is safe from the crazies out there who wish to cause us harm. God bless America, God bless guns, and God bless the NRA!”
Now that the Republican Apocalypse is upon us in America, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have put together a list for our readers on how to best survive it. Remember, everything you read here is absolutely true. Not a single thing has been changed to protect the innocence of anyone
1.) If confronted by a Republican and you’re armed, shot it in the wallet. The best way to weaken a Republican is to wipe out its immediate access to money.
2.) Once you’ve shot its wallet, simply punch the Republican in the nose, then watch it run away crying. Without their money, Republicans are the biggest pussies you’ll ever meet.
3.) If you are not armed, and a Republican approaches you, simply tell it you are a TruChristian and want to receive a copy of the Bible from it to improve your gay-hating skills. When it turns to retrieve a Bible from its bag, run like hell away from it. Republicans are, by their nature, in horrible shape and lack the stamina to chase after even the slowest of prey. They’re used to undocumented immigrants, whom they publicly claim to hate, doing all their manual labor for them. The thought of doing it themselves is reprehensible to them.
4.) If you are near a TruChristian Church and find droves of well-dressed white folk gathered around it, stay the fuck away, or run the risk of being sucked into a blubbering hole so filled with Christian gibberish and religious righteousness that no liberal could ever hope to escape with his sanity intact.
5.) The best places to hide from roaming herds of hungry self-aggrandizing Republicans are Hispanic and African-American neighborhoods. You’re as likely to see a wealthy group of lily-white Republicans wandering around one of these neighborhoods as you are to see Richard Dawkins joining hands in prayer with Ken Ham.
6.) One last survival tip for today: If you have brown or black skin and are a male under the age of 60 do not, and I mean DO NOT, wear a hoodie in ANY white neighborhood whilst walking through it. Even though a few such neighborhoods have been know to contain non-Republicans on occasion, the vast majority of them are literally crawling with the beasts. So, for your own safety, do as I advise. Ain’t met a Republican yet that wasn’t armed and lookin’ to “stand its ground” against brown skin hoodie wearers.