Dick Head Of The Month: Illinios R-Governor, Bruce Rauner

TACP's First Ever Dick Head Of The Month

TACP’s First Ever Dick Head Of The Month

The Arm Chair Pontificator staff would like to congratulate Illinois R-Governor, Bruce Rauner on becoming our first ever Dick Head of the Month.  This soul-less, heartless, obscenely rich excuse of a man was given this award for his funding cuts to autism programs two weeks ago. April is Autism Awareness Month, and Mr. Rauner chose it to send his message of FUCK YOU to the autistic citizens of Illinois loudly and clearly.  Since taking over as Governor in January, Mr. Rauner has systemically implemented his budget plan to crush labor unions, destroy Medicare, Social Security, and SSDI and eliminate school lunch programs for poor children. You, Mr. Rauner, are a true, unadulterated Dick Head. So, too, is every person who voted for you without first looking at the kind of son of a bitch you truly are. If we knew who they were, we’d let them share this award with you, you Dick Head, you.

Here’s a link to more info on this Dick Head’s actions: Rauner cuts autism program funding when target must be pensions

Sieg Heil! The Republican Party! Or, Solutions To The Republican Problem

 

Angry Republican Dwarf

Angry Republican Dwarf

Many of you may be shocked by this confession, but I must admit, I hate Republicans. Can’t stand the self-serving pricks. They’re the modern equivalent of Nazis, in my humble, unbiased opinion. So, since I lack the omnipotence to send them, one and all, straight into the flames of Hell where I feel they belong (or at least to Mars where they’ll simple die off) I’m writing this post. It’s a post in which I will express some of my Nobel Prize winning ideas on how normal, decent Americans can take action against these spawns of evil in order to better our nation, a nation which is supposed to be for everyone, not just wealthy, white Christians.  Here are some of my solutions to the Republican problem.

Sieg Heil! The Republican Party!

Sieg Heil! The Republican Party!

1.) Republicans need to have their own, inconveniently located, public restrooms. I do not want to pee, much less shit, in any restroom one of these bastards pees or shits in. Armed guards need to stand in front of regular public bathrooms and ask one or two quick questions to everyone wishing to use it. Here are two examples: “What’s your feeling on gay marriage, and how do you feel about disabled Americans who collect SSDI?” If the person flinches or makes a silly face, they get sent to a Republican bathroom located at least four blocks away from the one they’re attempting to use. Let these fuckers piss and/or shit their pants often enough, and maybe they’ll realize it’s time they move their feelings about others into the 21st century.

 Toilet Reserved For Republicans

Toilet For Republicans

2.) Ever wonder how many Jesus lovin’, fag hatin’ Republicans look at gay porn? Pass a law to monitor their internet usage and make their browsing history public, just to fuck with ’em. I’d love it!

Republican Shocked To Find Her Browsing History Has Been Made Public

Republican Shocked To Find Her Browsing History Has Been Made Public

3.) Make them ride on “special” Republican buses so normal, decent Americans can ride free of their stench when using public transportation.

A Republican Bus

“Special” Republican Bus

4.) Tax the shit outta their wealthy-ass churches and use the money to fund programs for the poor and needy. Isn’t that what Jesus would do?

If They Can Afford To Build This, They Can Afford To Pay Taxes On It

If They Can Afford To Build This, They Can Afford To Pay Taxes On It

5.) Make them live in designated Republican reservations in houses made just for them.

Republican Reservation Just Outside Detroit, Michigan

Republican Reservation Just Outside Detroit, Michigan

6.) Deny Republican couples the right to be married because marriage is a contract between two human beings who truly understand that love is something everyone feels and wishes to publicly express, not just white, heterosexual, rich, Christian shit-heals.

Republican Couple Frustrated They Can't Legally Be Wed

Republican Couple Frustrated They Can’t Legally Be Wed

That’s all for now. But I promise to be back with more unbiased ideas on what to do about the Republican problem as soon as I think ’em up.  Imperious Rex!

 

Prophecies For 2015 From Nostradamus

predictions

Dr. Miballs R. Akin, curator of the Nostradamus Museum in Gary, Indiana, announced today that he has uncovered some previously unknown prophecies of Nostradamus pertaining specifically to 2015. A few of these are listed below along with interpretations of them provided by Dr. Akin.

Prophesy One: “And there shall drift in from the East a pinkish cloud, covered in smiley faces, which the underclassmen shall name, ‘Bob’. Then a great white bear shall devour a fish named ‘Limpett’ causing the blue sea to turn red and bleed from the corners of eyes it does not have. So sayeth Nostradamus, the unambiguous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: What Nostradamus is so very clearly predicting here is the complete collapse of the McDonald’s restaurant franchise in 2015. The cloud and the blue sea represent Ronald McDonald’s makeup pouring down his face from the tears he’s shedding over the loss of his beloved franchise. The fish being eaten by the bear represents the Red Lobster restaurant franchise. It will take over all McDonald’s store fronts by August. So has it been foretold; so too will it come to pass.

Prophesy Two: “A darkness darker than pitch and thicker than hot tar shall pour over the land of the kitties who will be too weak and too lazy to band together as one to shine a light into the blackness before it devours all they hold dear with its perpetual, ever-deepening evil. So sayeth Nostradamus, the non-nebulous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: Without a doubt, this prophesy speaks of the immanent takeover of the American Government by the evil Republican party and the pussy-ass Liberals who will continue to passively stand by and watch it happen. This trend will continue, unchallenged, throughout all of 2015 and well into 2016, when the total annihilation of the Democratic Party is finalized with the crowning of the first Republican Emperor of The United States. So has it been foreseen; so too shall it come to pass.

Fini, for now.

Police Admit: We Like Killing Black Guys

Police Target Or Human Being

In a blatantly honest statement today, Detective Iam Maidup, spokesman for The American Union Of Armed Cops, admitted that killing black men was not only something police did regularly, it is something they look forward to doing with great enthusiasm. “We might as well just admit it,” Detective Maidup said today.”We police LOVE to kill black guys. As a matter of fact, many of us actually joined the Force for the sole purpose of killing them. You see, so very many of us are racist bastards at heart who, unfortunately, were forced to grow up in a country where blatant, overt racism is quite frowned upon. We were forced to suppress our true selves and tolerate the presence of those we wanted to kill simply for being who they are: black guys. By becoming police, we now have guns, and the power to use them on black guys with total impunity. OK, maybe not TOTAL impunity.Black-Men-Killed-By-Police Sometimes there’s a grand jury investigation when we “accidentally” kill an unarmed black guy cause he was wearing a hoodie and walking down the street at the same time, but rarely, if ever, are we indicted for such actions. And when we are, NEVER are we actually convicted of any wrong doing. Not ever. You see, we’re the police. We’re here to serve and protect all people equally. Unless, of course, you happen to be a black guy. Then, we might just decide to kill you. Why? Because we feel superior to you, and know we can if we want to. The great irony here is, if you’re black and find all this cruel and unfair, so what. What the fuck are you gonna do about it, call the cops?”

 

 

Tips For Surviving The Republican Apocalypse

Republican Apocalypse Now

Republican Apocalypse Now

Now that the Republican Apocalypse is upon us in America, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have put together a list for our readers on how to best survive it. Remember, everything you read here is absolutely true. Not a single thing has been changed to protect the innocence of anyone

1.) If confronted by a Republican and you’re armed, shot it in the wallet. The best way to weaken a Republican is to wipe out its immediate access to money.

2.) Once you’ve shot its wallet, simply punch the Republican in the nose, then watch it run away crying. Without their money, Republicans are the biggest pussies you’ll ever meet.

3.) If you are not armed, and a Republican approaches you, simply tell it you are a TruChristian and want to receive a copy of the Bible from it to improve your gay-hating skills. When it turns to retrieve a Bible from its bag, run like hell away from it. Republicans are, by their nature, in horrible shape and lack the stamina to chase after even the slowest of prey. They’re used to undocumented immigrants, whom they publicly claim to hate, doing all their manual labor for them. The thought of doing it themselves is reprehensible to them.

4.) If you are near a TruChristian Church and find droves of well-dressed white folk gathered around it, stay the fuck away, or run the risk of being sucked into a blubbering hole so filled with Christian gibberish and religious righteousness that no liberal could ever hope to escape with his sanity intact.

VERY DANGEROUS: Herd Of Republicans Gathering At Church

VERY DANGEROUS: A Republican Herd Gathering At Church

5.) The best places to hide from roaming herds of hungry self-aggrandizing Republicans are Hispanic and African-American neighborhoods. You’re as likely to see a wealthy group of lily-white Republicans wandering around one of these neighborhoods as you are to see Richard Dawkins joining hands in prayer with Ken Ham.

6.) One last survival tip for today: If you have brown or black skin and are a male under the age of 60 do not, and I mean DO NOT, wear a hoodie in ANY white neighborhood whilst walking through it. Even though a few such neighborhoods have been know to contain non-Republicans on occasion, the vast majority of them are literally crawling with the beasts. So, for your own safety, do as I advise. Ain’t met a Republican yet that wasn’t armed and lookin’ to “stand its ground” against brown skin hoodie wearers.

Potentially Dangerous Outerwear For Brown Skin Males

Potentially Dangerous Outerwear For Brown Skin Males