Emerald City, Oz. In sad news today a local boy’s 8th birthday party was violently ruined when his mother, Ms. Elizabeth V. Ulva, informed him it was, in fact, his 7th birthday and not his 8th as he’d been lead to believe. “You see,” Ms. V. Ulva said earlier, “I ain’t never been good wit numbers. I just ‘ad always figured me boy ta be a year older than ‘e wuz iz all. It weren’t til ‘iz daddy come by fer the party we wuz havin,’ ‘n knocked me on me ‘ead wit a gallon ‘o cold milk, dat I ‘member’d me boy wuz a year younger den I wuz tellin’ ’em ‘e wuz. Good thin’ fer dat milk, or I’d still not know ‘iz right age. Now, if’n someone wouldn’t mind ‘ittin’ me noggin’ wit dat gallon ‘o milk one more time, maybe I kin ‘member me boy’z name.”
Here’s a list of some truly amazing quotes attributed to famous people who actually never said them. I know they never said them because I just made them up right now.
‘Nuff said for now!
President Obama accidentally put a selfie on his Facebook page today which reveals him to be what conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years he is: The Anti-Christ. “OK,” said the President. “I fucked up and I’m busted. So I’m the friggin’ Anti-Christ. So what? Wadda ya gonna do now, sue me? I’d like to see you try. I’m the bloody Anti-Christ for Christ sake! I’ll fucking flay you alive and eat you while your heart is still beating if you even look at me funny. I’ll bet there are a lot of Tea Party members and other Right Wing Conservatives pissing themselves right about now,eh? And rightly so, cause let me be clear on one thing my Republican friends, I’m going to fuck you up. BAD! If you think Obama Care sucked, wait til you get a taste of Obama’s Hell Fire special. It comes complete with a pike for me to impale you on and an open-pit of unending fire for me to place you over so I can watch your flesh bubble off your tight-ass conservative bones for eternity. The Illuminati and I were planning on waiting til a Republican next got elected to the White House to reveal ourselves as the demons we are, but what the hey, the best laid plans, etc, etc, etc. So, that’s about it then. I’m the Anti-Christ and you, starting with the Republicans, are all fucked. I’m not sparing anyone because, to tell the truth, I was treated like shit during my Presidential tenure and I’m really fucking pissed off about it. I’ll see you all real soon now, ya hear? Love, The Anti-Christ, Barack Obama.”
I’ve a great idea. I know it’s great because I thought of it, and like the Good Book says, “Those who think their ideas are great and have the balls to say so, have great ideas.” Thus, my idea is great. So, here it is: Make the day after Mother’s Day, “Mother Fucker’s Day”. Let me set the scenario for you. You’ve just finished an exhausting dinner with your mother, a middle age crabby person who takes every opportunity she has to remind you of just how disappointed she is in you, and you’re angry in a pent-up, gotta get relief or bust kinda way. You can’t yell at your mom and tell her what you actually think of her. No way. The Bible forbids it, and you’ll burn in Hell for it. So, here’s my answer for you. Send someone, even a dead someone, a “Mother Fucker’s Day” card the very next day and regain your equilibrium.
For example, I sent Hitler a “Mother Fucker’s Day” card this morning that read,”Dear Hitler, I think you were a real mother fucker to kill all those innocent people like that, and I’m glad you’re dead.” I sealed it; addressed it to, “Adolf H.,The Bunker Remains, Berlin, Germany'” and mailed it off first thing this morning. Hell, it doesn’t matter if it actually ever gets there. No. What matters is I blew off steam by calling a mother fucker a mother fucker, and I feel good about it. So, I declare the day after every Mother’s Day from this day forward to be, “Mother Fucker’s Day” and ask Hallmark to make cards especially for it. They, and you, will be the happier for it.
Yemen today was turned into a smoldering pile of charred debris when Zeus, ruler of the gods of ancient Greece, unleashed a torrent of massive lightning bolts into it from his home atop Mount Olympus. “Fuck Yemen!” Zeus said. “I read yesterday that an 8-year-old ‘bride’ was killed there on her ‘wedding night’ by her 40 something year old husband when he fucked her and tore her insides to pieces. Call me old-fashioned, but any country that, for even a second, tolerates, to any degree, a religious or cultural ideology that allows the families of young girls to make arrangements for them to be married to pedophile rapists for a fee, needs to be eliminated from the face of the Earth. Fuck that shit! Sick bastards! I’m old, and it isn’t as easy for me to keep track of everything down there like it once was, but you can believe me when I say, stories like this will ALWAYS get to me at some point. I’m hoping I sent a message today that was clear and concise. If a country doesn’t make it its top priority to wipe its ass of the shit stained individuals and organizations that allow, condone, or cover up the rape of children, I’m wiping it off the planet. No questions asked. Vatican City, is next.”