Moses Reads His Christmas Wish List
“Funny you should ask,” said Moses during a break today from promoting his new book, ‘Dating Tips for the Biblically Ancient’. ” I just so happen to have brought my Christmas want list with me. I’ve learned over the years that if I don’t loudly tell people what I want I won’t get anything. Some folks assume because I’m Jewish I don’t celebrate Christmas. To them I say, nonsense, Jesus has been my golfing partner for, like, 1500 years. I think the least I could do is celebrate the dude’s birthday.” Moses then went on to list a multitude of items he wanted from his rocky list. Since most of these items haven’t existed for almost 4000 years, so we won’t bother to list them here.
*Moses and the Biblical inhabitants of the after-life would like to wish the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator a very Merry Christmas, and a very drunk, but safe New Year.
The Rabbi Santa Clausenberg
“Not only am I a Jew,” Santa said today, “I’m a Rabbi, too. I know this will, in all likelihood, get the panties of Christendom rolled up into a bunch, but I could stay silent no more. You see, I happen to love kids, and I love giving them gifts to make them happy even more. So, back when Christmas first came along, I saw it as a great opportunity to make a lot of Christian kids happy too, not just the Jewish kids I secretly gave dradles to during Hanukkah. I had a perfectly good toy-making shop in the North Pole that my great Uncle Saul left me, and I decided to put it to good use making toys. I’ve always been popular with the Elves who live in the North Pole, so I hired a few dozen of them to help me out, and we’ve been cranking out toys ever since. Christians just always assumed I must be a Christian because I give out toys at Christmas time, but I’m not. I stayed silent because, well, Christians can be quite the anti-Semitic bigots at times, and I just didn’t want to deal with it. But, enough is enough. I’m Santa. I’m Jewish. And I’m a Rabbi. If anyone isn’t good with that, too bad. Deal with it. I gotta go know. There’s only six weeks til Christmas, and I’ve a sh*t load of work to do before then. Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Merry Christmas to all!”