A Day In The Life Of The Holy Spirit

Holy_Spirit

From The Journal of The Holy Spirit

20 November, 2014

8:15 AM: Awoke with a hangover the size of Asia. No more late night bar hopping with Jesus. Ever since Mary Magdalene dumped him for St. Peter, he’s been on a non-stop bender. He’s toxic to be around right now, and I’ve things that I need to do with a clear head.

10:00 AM: Went to pick up God’s dry cleaning only it wasn’t ready when we were told it would be. He’s gonna be PISSED! I guess the folks who own the dry cleaner we use haven’t read The Old Testament. They’re gonna be sorry they didn’t.

12:00 PM: Flew into the window of an eighteen year old virgin French gal and told her God had sent me to impregnate her with another son of His. I was lying, of course, but she didn’t know that. We had some awesome sex, then I took her out for lunch. We had brats and beer. Nice gal, but I forgot her name already. I’ve been doing shit like this every few days for 3000 years now, and my memory isn’t what it used to be.

4:00 PM: Drove Moses to a dentist appointment. Dude’s getting senile in his old age and tried to eat a shelled walnut with his teeth. He cracked a molar down to the root. Dentist says it’ll be at least three more visits before it’s fixed.

7:00 PM: Jesus called and wanted me to go out drinking with him again. I said no, and he started crying. I said no again, and he threatened to kill himself by jumping off a bridge. It wouldn’t work, but God would be pissed if I let him just jump, so I’m on my way to pick him up now.

10:00 PM: Dropped Jesus off at his condo and put him to bed with his favorite Teddy Bear and a glass of warm milk. Told him Mary Magdalene was a bitch for dumping him, and there were more fish in the sea for him to date once he felt up to it. He fell asleep and I drove home.

11:30 PM: Brushed my teeth with my new Superman electric tooth-brush; slipped into my satin robe, and settled down with a fine glass of Merlot. Tomorrow I’m going with God to help Him pick out a new SUV, so I’m nodding off now. I’ll need my rest if I’m to help Him haggle with car salesmen over prices. Pure evil those guys are. Good night.

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Soon To Be Released Porn Films From The Arm Chair Pontificator

Check out these porn movies that will soon be available on The Arm Chair Pontificator adult streaming channel.

1.) The Godfather: Part BIG.  I actually star in this little beauty of an erotic masterpiece as The Butler: A mysterious and dashingly handsome man-servant to the Godfather. A Mafia Don with a monstrously huge dick and an insatiable lust for 20-year-old women who dress as Catholic School girls. If you like impeccably subtle writing, stellar acting, especially by yours truly, and award-winning art design, this is the porn film you were born to see.

Yours Truly As The Butler In The Godfather: Part BIG

Yours Truly As The Butler In The Godfather: Part BIG

2.) Raiders of the Lost Quim. Join Indiana Johnson and his bevy of naked beauties as they frolic their way through the Middle East in search of good curry and the sacred, lost, missing quim of the Virgin Mary. This baby is loaded with mind-boggling CGI effects and actors so hot they’ll warm your blood for decades. You won’t want to miss it!

Indiana Johnson

Indiana Johnson

3.) Jesus Christ, Sexy Star. A Musical, erotic romp through the New Testament with Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and The Holy Spirit. If you think porn flicks and huge Broadway musicals don’t mix, you’re in for a surprise when you see Jesus Christ, Sexy Star. Just because the tenors are nude and sporting huge boners does not mean they can’t sing. And, baby, can these boys SING! After viewing this movie, you’ll never be able to have sex again without its soundtrack playing in your head.

Jesus Christ, Sexy Star

Jesus Christ, Sexy Star

4.) Mary Does Bethlehem. Join the Virgin Mary as she kicks in doors and raids the gay bath houses of Bethlehem wearing nothing but a smile in search of Jesus’ dead-beat dad, Joseph. If you like action with your mindless sex, this is the film you’ve been waiting for. As an added bonus, 80’s porn legend, Ron Jeremy, has been cast in the film as the Inn, and Out, Keeper. This is not a movie you’ll want to miss.

Mary Says: Where My Baby Daddy At?

Mary Says: Where My Baby Daddy At?

5.) It’s A Wonderful C*ck. Join George, The Wad, Baily and the rest of the townsfolk of Dickford Balls as they fight off the evil Mr. Pooper, a tyrannical fundamentalist Christian who’s trying to outlaw sex of any kind from their town. This film is sure to become a Christmas classic, so be sure to gather the whole family together and watch it when it premiers this Thanksgiving on The Arm Chair Pontificator adult streaming channel.

I Swear To God, Mary, It's THIS Big!

I Swear To God, Mary, It’s THIS Big!


The Arm Chair Pontificator Proudly Presents: An Interview With God

God Reflects On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

God Reflecting On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

A re-post of an oldie but goodie.

God stopped by TACP office this morning desperately needing to use the bathroom.  I told him he could use ours if he’d let me interview him when he was finished, and he agreed.  Here, then, is the first ever interview God has given to anyone since time began. If this doesn’t get me a Nobel Prize AND a Pulitzer, something is seriously rotten in the State of Denmark.

Me: “God, before we begin, I have to ask, did you flush the toilet and wash your hands when you were finished? I don’t want to catch anything.”

God: “Don’t fuck with me, Pontificator. You’re on thin ice with me as it is already!”

Me: “Sorry, God. Won’t happen again.  Now for a question.  Theists tell us we are the reason for which you created this entire universe.  If so, then why did you wait 13.7 billion years AFTER you created it to create us?”

God: “Really? It was THAT long? Didn’t seem like it. Time does fly, eh?  I had planned on making humans BEFORE the dinosaurs, I remember, but I mistakenly brought the dinosaur creation instructions to work that day, and was too tired to drive back home to get the human ones.  So I just made the dinosaurs first.  OK, time for one more question then I’m off to the movies to see, ‘The Hobbit: Battle of The Five Armies.’ I just LOVE Tolkien. So imaginative, he is.”

Me: “God, why did you send your only begotten son, Jesus, to be tortured and killed for our horrific sins when you could’ve just told us yourself you forgave us? You are, after all, God, right?”

God: “I sent my only begotten son to be tortured and killed? Who told you that, Jesus?”

Me: “Well, his disciples said so, and then a bit later, St. Paul, like, went ape-shit about the whole thing. So much so in fact, that some theologians say there’d be no Christianity without him.”

God: “Let me get this right. You’re telling me some dudes Jesus used to fish with started saying I sent him to Earth to be brutally tortured and killed for mankind’s sins. Then, to top it off, you’re saying this St. Paul guy preached so prolifically and widely about it that he was able to create a world-wide religion that’s now lasted 2000 years? And all without a single fucking person ever stopping to realize just how ridiculously implausible the whole thing is?”

Me: “Yep. That’s pretty much what I’m saying.”

God: “I really wish I’d gone back and gotten those human creation instructions and created humans before the dinosaurs like I originally planned. By now you dingbats would be all dead and I’d be watching cool-ass dinosaurs walk around the Earth. You people are truly fucked. I mean truly. You are all fucked.”

With this final profanity riddled statement, God left our offices without bothering to even say goodbye.

New From TACP Cyber Store, Goo-Spraying Breasts!

Spray Your Friends With Goo From These Goo-Spraying Breasts

Spray Your Friends With Goo From These Goo-Spraying Breasts

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Moses Hires Amish To Build New Ark Of The Covenant

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

In thrilling news today Moses, the man to whom God gave the Ten Commandments, announced he has begun construction on a new Ark of the Covenant and has hired the Amish to help him do it. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now,” said Moses. “I can not tell you how pissed off I was when I heard the first Ark had gotten lost back in the day. I mean that thing wasn’t a toy. You could literally knock down a mountain with this fiery shit that blasted out of it. And God help you if you ever opened it: Burnt to ashes you were! I don’t know what happened to it, but I looked and I couldn’t find it. And you can believe me, if I couldn’t find it, it ain’t ever gonna be found.

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

A few days ago, I was rummaging through my sock drawer and found the original notes I made as God was dictating the Commandments to me. There actually were 14 at first but I convinced Him ten was a more reasonable number if He expected people to remember them. I hired these Amish fellas I know to help me rebuild the Ark so I can keep these notes in it, as my sock drawer isn’t really appropriate. These guys can whip up a barn in like a day, so we should have the new Ark finished before Christmas.”

Higgs Boson To Play Major Role In Star Wars: The Force Awakens

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” director, J.J. Abrams, announced this morning that he has cast the Higgs boson to play a key character in the upcoming sequel to “Star Wars”. “The Higgs boson popped up behind me yesterday as I was focusing a camera lens and practically begged me for a role in the film,” Abrams stated. “The subatomic particle claimed it had been a fan of ‘Star Wars’ since it first saw the original film in 1977. I couldn’t say no to it. Thus, I have given the boson a major speaking role in the movie. I can’t say what it is, but I assure you it will delight audiences of all ages and help long time fans forget the Prequels were ever made. The only set back to this is that the movie will now have to be viewed through a subatomic microscope due to the diminutive size of the Higgs boson. But it will be worth the inconvenience, I can assure you,” Abrams said.

Higgs boson Asking Director J.J. Abrams For A Part In New Star Wars Movie

Higgs boson Asking Director J.J. Abrams For A Part In New Star Wars Movie

Maine Has Vanished

Maine: Whaaaa Haaappeenn To It?

Maine: Whaaaa Haaappeenn To It?

Cocksville, New Hampshire. In stunning and seemingly impossible news, the state of Maine has vanished. “I went out to walk my dog, Piddles, this morning,” said Tammy Jugstein, a long time resident of New Hampshire living near the Maine/New Hampshire border, “and there was a huge, empty hole where Maine used to be. I mean the whole bloody state was just…gone! Piddles just stood there barking at the empty space, and I, well, I about piddled my jeans as I stood there in awe. I could see something like this happening to say, Texas, an evil state filled with Conservative jackass Republicans, but Maine? Who’d Maine ever piss off? Not me, that’s for sure. I hope someone finds out where it went and returns it soon. I wouldn’t want the space it occupied to fill up with the Atlantic ocean and not be available when it is found. Where the hell would it go then? There’s a saying round these parts that goes: ‘Sometimes crazy shit just happens.’ I guess this is what it means. Cause this here is as CRAZY as shit can get!”

We here at The Arm Chair Pontificator will do everything in our power to keep you updated on news of this amazing occurrence as it becomes available to us. We’d also like to express our deepest condolences to those readers with friends and family who were in Maine when it vanished. Losing those close to you must be especially hard with the Holidays just around the corner. They, and you, are in our thoughts.