A Secret Message To Believers In Q Anon

“Q” is really “R”.   Deal with that, Q Anon-ers!  Hahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!   (BTW, if anyone from the Deep State or the Illuminati is reading this, please give me a jingle.  I VERY much want to join your organization and help you wreak havoc on the world.  I’ve been trying to drop off my resume with you, but, damn, you all are extremely difficult to find.)

The Real Q

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Tiny Alien Attempts Invasion Of Nevada Desert

 Alien, Half An Inch Tall, Invades Desert Near Las Vegas

Alien, Half An Inch Tall, Invades Desert Near Las Vegas, Nevada

 

Sally’s Bunny Hatchery, Nevada.   A half-inch tall space alien was photographed today as it attempted an invasion of a desert near Las Vegas, Nevada.   Eyewitness/Photographer, Chrissy Titebottom, had this to say of the event.  “I was taking a pee behind a big rock in the desert when I saw a tiny flash of light about 3 feet in front of me.  After that, I heard a very, very faint voice saying, ‘Surrender this desert to me, you human scum, or suffer my hideous wrath.’  I squinted my eyes and looked down to see an alien, about half an inch tall, wildly waving its arms at me.  I immediately took my phone out and photographed the little bastard before aiming my urine stream at him and flushing him down a rodent hole that was behind him.  I’m pretty sure I killed him, so there was no need to surrender the desert.”

Meet Bigfoot’s Elusive Cousin, Bigbutt

The Only Photo Of Big Butt Known To Exist

The Only Photo Of Bigbutt Known To Exist

Sphincterville, Wisconsin.    Undoubtedly, if you are a true-blooded, God-fearing American, you’ve heard of, and most likely believe in, a creature known as Bigfoot.  Well, what you most likely do not know, is that Bigfoot is not alone in the woods of America.  He has a lesser known, though no less elusive, cousin known only as Bigbutt.   Bigbutt was first sighted and photographed about 2 hours ago by a drunken hunter named John “Sharp-Nipples” McGinn whilst he was peeing in the woods near his cabin in Fish Creek, Wisconsin.   “Ah wen’ out ta take me a huge pee, when alluva a sudden, a huge, hair covered butt come a walkin’ at me from outta da trees,” Mr. McGinn told reporters an hour ago.  “Da dang thing had ta be a’ least 4 foot across ‘n 3 foot high.  I took out ma phone ‘n I snapped da picture of it y’all see here.  The dang thing smelled kinda like a day old burrito dat was left out in da hot sun o’ August.   I screamed like a young gal who juz got ‘er first un-asked-fer kissed when I sawed it.  Dat made it shake itself until both its cheeks butt-slammed tagether makin’ a thunder-like sound dat rocked da trees aroun’ it so hard dey all ex-foliated a’ once.  Den it kinda made a fartin’ soun’ and it wabbled off inta ta woods, leavin’ behin’ it da foul smell I talked ’bout be’fer.  Lucky fer you all I gots dis picture of it.  I knows no one’d believe me utterwise.  It was a terrifyin’ experience.  Blessed be Jeebus fer seein’ to it dat I did survive dis encounter wit da monster known now ‘n ferever more as, Bigbutt.”

Bigbutt Witness And Photographer,

Bigbutt Witness And Photographer, John “Sharp-Nipples” McGinn Takes A Shot Of Vodka In Honor Of The Beast


Conspiracy Expert Claims Those Claiming There’s A Jewish Conspiracy Are Themselves The Conspiracy

Tevye Says, "Up Yours!" To Conspiracy Theorists

Tevye Says, “Up Yours!” To Conspiracy Theorists

Bullshit City, Wisconsin.  In news sure to agitate anti-Semites and Tea Party members alike, Conspiracy expert, John Fulovcrap, said today that, after hundreds of hours of internet research, he has conclude there is no such thing as a “Jewish Conspiracy” running the Governments of the world.  “That would imply all Jews know each other somehow, just cause they’re Jewish,” Mr. Fulovcrap said.  “Maybe it’s just me, but I see no way that could be even remotely possible.  Therefor, knowing full well that there certainly is a conspiracy of some kind going on, I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t the Jews who are the conspiracy.  It’s the idiots saying the Jews are the conspiracy who are themselves the conspiracy.

You Fuckin' Conspiracy Theorists ARE The Fuckin' Conspiracy!

You Fuckin’ Conspiracy Theorists ARE The Fuckin’ Conspiracy!

Conspiracy advocates, like religious fanatics, are experts in the fine art of chosen ignorance. This, when coupled with narcissism and idiocy, creates an intellectual annoyance akin to the sound of hundreds of nails being scraped over hundreds of chalk boards hundreds of times, over and over again.  Conspiracy advocates, and here I mean to be deliberately insulting, are incapable of logic. They insist they have a divine insight, granting them the power of infallibility, when it comes to the conspiracy theory they espouse. ‘If I can think of it, it’s likely that it’s true. Those not seeing this are ignorant and blind.’   These statements form the very foundation of the ‘Conspiracy Faith’.  For that, indeed, is what these conspiracies have become: Religions. Religions built on Faith that the conspiracy is more real than reality.  To make fantastic claims, hell, to make any claim, without having solid tangible, evidence to back it up is akin to claiming a man died and came back to life, and we MUST accept this on faith alone; follow those who tell it to us blindly, and never question it because doing so is bad. Screw that. And screw conspiracy theorists. THEY are the conspiracy. Their conspiracy is to confound people, to keep them ignorant of the power a real education brings.

Please Don't Take Away My Conspiracies!

Please Don’t Take Away My Conspiracies!

The fear of the conspiracy theorist is he’ll be called out on the fact he’s really full of shit.  He fears to lose the power he has by being an expert on the bullshit he vomits out. His arrogance and self-righteous air of importance are built on fantasy and lies which will collapse like egg shells under him if more people but took the time to smell the shit oozing from his twisted pores.  The conspiracy starts and ends with the conspiracy theorist.  Take away his power, and you take away the conspiracy.  And that, my dear friends, is the divinely stated truth on that!”

Interview With UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly'in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

Fibberland, Massachusetts.  UFO expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in of MIT’s radical genius department, stopped by the ACP offices today whilst I was scratching my butt and asked me if I’d like to interview him for the site. The interview follows below. It has not been altered in any way since its original fabrication.

TACP: Thanks for coming by, Dr. B. Ly’in. Could you please tell my readers a little bit about yourself and your area of expertise?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Did you see that?! Right there! Out your damn window! There was a huge ship with crazy flashing lights all over it floating in the sky. It made a super quick, right angle turn and vanished into space! Did you see it?

TACP: No. I didn’t see anything. What do you think it was?

Dr. B. Ly’in: What the fudge do you THINK it was, numb-nuts?! It was an alien spacecraft from beyond our galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! How bloody stoooopid are you?

TACP: Well, I’m not sure just HOW stupid I am, but I didn’t see anything out the window. How do you know it was an alien spacecraft?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Are you questioning my area of expertise, you som’bitch?! The evidence CLEARLY shows it was a craft from another galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! I’m a SCIENTIST, not a bloody religious nut! I don’t just make shit up off the top of my head when I see something I don’t understand! GOD! People like you piss me off!

TACP: What kind of “people” am I?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You’re a gardarn som’bitchin’ skeptic! That’s what you are. You think it’s easy being a gardarn som’bitchin’ brilliant man of science like I am? You think it’s easy……Say, are those jelly donuts on your desk? Can I have one?

TACP: Sure, if you stop yelling at me and just give my readers a little info on yourself. When did you become a UFO expert, for starters?

Dr. B. Ly’in: When I gave up religion and began using reason as my life’s guide. That’s when. (Gardarn, but this IS a good donut!) Shortly after giving up religion, as I was peeing in an alley, I looked up and saw a bunch of objects with yellow lights on them making crazy, impossible, right angle turns in the sky. Using my non-religious, unparalleled, new-found sense of reason, I deduced that only alien spacecraft, piloted by tiny blue-skinned aliens, could have had made such crazy-ass, right angle turns. The minute I came to that conclusion, I became an expert on UFO’s. I got my position in the MIT genius department shortly thereafter. I teach a class every semester on why UFO’s are real and why belief in them isn’t at all like a religion.

TACP: Fascinating. Do you have any pictures you can show my readers of UFO’s you’ve encountered?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You bet your som’bitchin’, fat, white ass I do. I see these damn things all the time and have taken many pictures of them. I’ve brought two to show your readers. No sane, reasonable human being could ever deny that these are photos of authentic, extraterrestrial spacecraft piloted by little blue aliens. Here they are.

1.)

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Obviously Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

2.)

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens With Prurient Intentions

Pretty amazing, eh? Ain’t no som’bitch dumb enough not see these are pics of real alien spacecraft doin’ bat-shit crazy things with animals. I gotta run now. I’ve a class to teach on the merits of understanding that belief in space aliens and UFO’s is not in any way at all like belief in a religion. Bye now.

TACP: Yeah. Bye. Wow. That was one amazing dude. I guess, what we can learn from him is that some people have obviously replaced the “god of the gaps theory,” to explain inexplicable phenomena, with an “aliens of the gaps” theory to explain the same phenomena. Either that, or Dr. Lenny be lyin’ about all this UFO stuff.

fini

Aliens Who Built The Pyramids Say, “Humans Are Dumber Than Door Knobs”

“That is to say,” said alien representative, Mi Fli B’Opn, “those humans who even know what door knobs are. We aliens have been doing EVERYTHING for you humans since you chowder-heads first started walkin’ on 2 legs, which, BTW, WE taught you how to do.

Mi Flie B'Opn says, "Humans Are Really, Really Dumb."

Mi Fli B’Opn says, “Humans Are Really, Really Dumb.”

So it never fails to make us laugh when some of you ninnies actual talk as if HUMANS built the pyramids. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!??? Human beings could no more build a pyramid than make a damn pancake without alien intervention.  As a matter of fact, most of you apes couldn’t brush your damn teeth each morning if an alien didn’t beam down into your body and do it for you.  The one thing I must say about humans is this: the amount of helplessness and stupidity prevalent amongst your species is, and has always been, pandemically crippling for you when left without alien help. The truest testament to this is, as I hinted at earlier, a belief many of you have that you are alone in the universe and that you ignorant dolts actually have the brain capacity to think and problem solve on your own, without our continual intervention. What a bunch of knuckle-heads you are.  You’re lucky we like you. You really, really are. Without us, you’d all be like toddlers with your pants full of poop looking for Mommy to change your pull-up.  Think about that the next time you question WHO it was who built the pyramids of Ancient Egypt, you knuckle-heads, you!”

Higgs Boson Really Discovered By Aliens Says Conspiracy Expert

In a statement today which was marked with paranoia and excessive use of the words “clearly obvious”, James McDickel, official spokesman for the newly founded Conspiracy Party of America, proclaimed the Higgs boson was discovered by an alien race of really smart beings from a galaxy really far from here. “Just think about it folks,” McDickel said.

Conspiracy Party Spokesman, James McDickel.

Conspiracy Party Spokesman, James McDickel.

“Since it is clearly obvious that aliens built the pyramids in Egypt because ancient Egyptians, using only human ingenuity, perseverance, and a shit-load of people over a shit-load of time, were far too stupid to have done it alone, it only stands to reason that aliens also built the particle accelerator used in finding the Higgs boson. I gotta believe building a fucking machine that shoots subatomic particles around at the speed of light is far harder to build than a fucking pyramid. I, for one, couldn’t even conceive of such a thing, let alone build one, and I’m pretty damn smart. So clearly, it is obvious, that really smart aliens have once again built something really bitchin’ for us that we ourselves never could have done alone. It truly is time for us to give them the credit they deserve and stop pretending we’re capable of building wondrously amazing things all by ourselves.”