Land of the Iron Heads, Maryland. Right wing conspiracy expert, Alex Jones announced today that the month of September isn’t real and is, instead, proof that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and singer Tom Jones are powerful, mind-controlling wizards who are trying to turn conservatives into hamsters. “It’s true,” Mr. Jones said earlier. “September is simply a smoke screen created by Obama, Clinton, and Tom Jones to confuse conservatives whilst they sneak up on us and use their powerful magic to turn us into Hamsters.” When told that this theory made absolutely no sense, Jones replied, “Saying the theory makes no sense is the same thing as shouting out to the world, ‘I’m a liberal dog, and I want to see conservatives turned into hamsters!’ ” When then asked to explain, if September isn’t real, then what month are we in right now, Jones retorted, “Obviously, only liberal idiots don’t know we’re still in August, the only month of the year with 62 days. Get with the program, or admit you’d like to see conservatives like me turned into hamsters.” The interview ended with me agreeing that, yes, I would indeed like to see conservatives like Mr. Jones turned into hamsters. Jones then threw some shredded hay he’d been nibbling on at me and exited the interview.
1.) You see a black teenager in a hoodie walking through your cul-de-sac and you immediately draw your concealed handgun and kill him.
2.) You insist undocumented Hispanics living in America be violently deported yet, secretly, have several of them working for you in menial labor jobs for .15 cents an hour.
3.) The Pastor of your church is also the head of your local Klu Klux Klan division.
4.) You truly, deeply believe America was founded by, and for, Christians sometime in the early 1950’s.
5.) You have a deep faith that Jesus is the loving savior of all mankind and hates gays.
6.) You believe the poor, disabled guy who just asked you for a dollar is a lazy, mooching bastard living off the tax dollars of real Americans like you.
7.) You think people who find Donald Trump to be a repugnant excuse of a human being are leftist, Commie, Muslim, liberal, atheist terrorists who are destroying America.
8.) You believe a woman’s right to choose ends with what she decides to wear for the day.
9.) You believe being asked to pay taxes for the public services you use is akin to being asked to have your testicles removed without the benefit of anesthesia.
10.) You think it’s a goddamn shame the Confederacy lost the fuckin’ war.
A bill which makes being naked for any reason at any time illegal was passed into law today by the United States House and Senate. “Being naked is the pathway to perversions like homosexuality, masturbation, bestiality, and sex out of wed-lock,” said Republican Senator, Hee Haw Johnson of Texas. “From now on, if any American is ever naked for any reason, they will be strip searched, cavity searched, arrested, and held without bond until they confess to their sick prurient lust for children and pets. Lastly, anyone taking a shower is now required to wear an outfit like the one shown above. Those found showering nude will be summarily executed on the spot,” Senator Hee Haw said.
Like a date who keeps sticking her tongue in your mouth while you’re trying to watch a movie, it is time Texas be asked to go sit on another couch. Really, enough already. Our ancestors didn’t come out of a fucking cave to eventually be forced back into one. If Texas were gone, it would not only be better for the rest of America, but for it as well. Texas would be free of pesky-ass, liberal assholes like me who think the death penalty is wrong, women actually have a right to their own bodies, and guns need to be banned. They could lock chastity devices on women, make everyone go to church, the RIGHT church of course, and they could freely kill any person they deemed was evil or wearing a hoodie. And I have come up with a great idea on how we can cut Texas free that will make everyone involved happy.
Let’s put rockets under the bedrock of Texas and blast it off into space!!! It would never have to see us again, and we’d never have to see it. It would be its own planet practically. And if this works, and why wouldn’t it, we could do the same thing to Florida too. Amen and Hallelujah!