Things I’ve Decided To Never Again Do Naked

Artist’s Rendering Of Me Practicing Ballet, Circa 1995

1.) Ask a woman out on a date for the first time.

2.) Walk into a gas station to ask for directions.

3.) Juggle 5 cats at the same time.

4.) Go into a biker bar and yell out,” You’re all a bunch of sissies!”

5.) Deliver pizza to a 5 year old’s birthday party.

6.) Work as a CNA in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients.

7.) Tell the cop who just pulled me over, “Look, I don’t have my license on me cause I’m not wearing any clothes!”

8.) Ride a horse through the city in a snow storm.

9.) Sunbathe next to a convent filled with horny nuns.

10.) Jump on a trampoline in school yard full of children.


Conservatives Get Law Passed Which Bans Nudity 24/7

 Republican About To Shower In  Non-Nude Suit

Republican About To Shower In Non-Nude Suit

A bill which makes being naked for any reason at any time illegal was passed into law today by the United States House and Senate. “Being naked is the pathway to perversions like homosexuality, masturbation, bestiality, and sex out of wed-lock,” said Republican Senator, Hee Haw Johnson of Texas. “From now on, if any American is ever naked for any reason, they will be strip searched, cavity searched, arrested, and held without bond until they confess to their sick prurient lust for children and pets. Lastly, anyone taking a shower is now required to wear an outfit like the one shown above. Those found showering nude will be summarily executed on the spot,” Senator Hee Haw said.