President Obama accidentally put a selfie on his Facebook page today which reveals him to be what conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years he is: The Anti-Christ. “OK,” said the President. “I fucked up and I’m busted. So I’m the friggin’ Anti-Christ. So what? Wadda ya gonna do now, sue me? I’d like to see you try. I’m the bloody Anti-Christ for Christ sake! I’ll fucking flay you alive and eat you while your heart is still beating if you even look at me funny. I’ll bet there are a lot of Tea Party members and other Right Wing Conservatives pissing themselves right about now,eh? And rightly so, cause let me be clear on one thing my Republican friends, I’m going to fuck you up. BAD! If you think Obama Care sucked, wait til you get a taste of Obama’s Hell Fire special. It comes complete with a pike for me to impale you on and an open-pit of unending fire for me to place you over so I can watch your flesh bubble off your tight-ass conservative bones for eternity. The Illuminati and I were planning on waiting til a Republican next got elected to the White House to reveal ourselves as the demons we are, but what the hey, the best laid plans, etc, etc, etc. So, that’s about it then. I’m the Anti-Christ and you, starting with the Republicans, are all fucked. I’m not sparing anyone because, to tell the truth, I was treated like shit during my Presidential tenure and I’m really fucking pissed off about it. I’ll see you all real soon now, ya hear? Love, The Anti-Christ, Barack Obama.”
Those bastards on the Nobel Committee have had a restraining order issued against me again. Me! THE most brilliant mind ever to issue a one-sided, profanity filled, and emotionally clouded statement this side of Emperor Palpatine.
I know, with absolute certainty, because I thought hard about it, that the Nobel Committee is pissed at me for having asked The Illuminati for a job recently. What kind of paranoid, prejudiced shit is that, huh?! My wanting to be a secret agent of evil is none of their concern and being discriminated against like this is only going to make me work harder to get a Nobel Prize from them. If they think 7000 emails, 400 ding-dong-ditch pranks, and 300 harassing phone calls at 3AM over a one week period was annoying, just wait til my lawyer gets this fucking restraining order lifted! BASTARDS
Here are a few amazing facts about a variety of shit most know nothing about.
1.) The original members of The Lollipop Guild from The Wizard of Oz were killed execution style by a masked flying monkey during the McCarthy era because they were believed to be members of the Communist Party.
2.) Henry Ford invented an invisible car but forgot where he parked it one night and was never again able to find it.
3.) The Illuminati have hired Oprah Winfrey to be the Antichrist’s publicist when he arrives.
4.) Stymie, from The Little Rascals, is actually Barrack Obama’s grandfather. The President often wears Stymie’s old derby when alone at night in the White House.
5.) Barney Rubble, of the Flintstones, is currently serving 10 years in San Quinton for beating the hell out of Fred after he found out he (Fred) and Wilma had been having threesomes behind his back for years with Betty.
That’s all for now. Say goodnight, Gracie. “Goodnight Gracie”.
Greetings. I’m Dick Boikins, your weather conspiracy forecaster here at TACP presses. I’m here to give you the REAL forecast for the weather you think you are experiencing. What do I mean by this, my poor brain-washed friends? Let me explain. For the past few days, local weather forecasters in Chicago have been telling people it’s sunny and pleasant there with temps in the low 70’s. Yeah, right. And I suppose Miley Cyrus ISN’T a member of the Illuminati helping pave the way for Barrack Obama to reveal his true identity as the anti-Christ either.
Idiots! Blind idiots. That’s what you are if you actually BELIEVE the lies that emanate from weather forecasting conspirators who tell you it’s pleasant and sunny outside. Fools! Do you actually trust your senses? Do you think that just because it IS sunny and pleasant outside that it truly IS sunny and pleasant outside? Idiots! You’re mere puppets to the Illuminati if you trust only that which can be proven and fail to believe that which can not. You must open your eyes and have faith in the only truth there really is: no evidence is true evidence. Thus, in reality, it isn’t sunny and pleasant in Chicago. No. It’s hot there, very hot; as is every place else on Earth. That’s how the anti-Christ wants it to be. This is the only truth there is. And it is your inability to see this truth that makes it true. So WAKE UP or die. The choice is yours. I’m Dick Boikins, and that’s the weather. The REAL weather.