Bombsville, Alabama. The United States sent several drones this morning to bomb various cities throughout Great Britain as a way to celebrate the Fourth of July. “Hell, it was only 239 years ago that the Declaration of Independence was signed signifying our freedom from the tyranny that was, and still is, Great Britain,” said Texas Republican Senator, Jerry “Big Package” McGroin this morning. “We here in America have long memories, and we’ve not forgotten the horrors we suffered under British rule two and a half centuries ago. We’ve not forgotten, and, by God, we’ve not forgiven either! So instead of a nationally televised fireworks display to celebrate the Fourth of July this year, we’ve decided to blow half of Great Britain to hell with our bad-ass, unmanned, military drones. Sorry, you Limey bastards, but you’ll be eating your fish and chips from the smoldering wreckage that was your country tonight. Maybe after this you’ll think twice about tyrannically repressing and over taxing your colonies, eh? Happy Independence Day America! And God bless each and every one of you who live in this great land of the free and home of the brave.”
“This is bullshit!” an angry Thor yelled today from Avengers Mansion. “My hammer goes missing, I ask Odin for a decent replacement, and he sends me a god damn child size screw driver!? WTF?! I’m NOT going into a battle with that fucking thing! I’ll be laughed off the planet!
Odin is punishing me for misplacing it. That’s what this is all about. This has happened before and he’s pissed at me about it. I get so wound up when I throw my hammer, sometimes it winds up going much farther than I intended, and it takes it awhile to find its way back. One time it wound up in Texas, and they refused to give it back until I attended three bar-b-Que tasting contests there. Kinda yummy, actually. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes, eh? But a fuckin’ tiny screw driver! I mean COME ON, POP!!! Loki’s the shit heel, not me! I sure as hell hope that hammer makes its way back here soon. The humiliation of this is fucking killing me.”
SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.
Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!
Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!
Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?
Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.
Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….
Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!
An angry giant monster, bearing a haunting resemblance to Bill Clinton, rose up out of the Gulf of Mexico this morning and aborted the entire state of Texas from the North American continent. The giant beast used what appeared to be a massive blender and literally pulverized the entire state into mush with it. Nothing remains of the state now except a smoldering hole where it once was, and a cowboy hat believed to have been worn by George Bush Sr the night George Jr was conceived. The giant Clinton-like monster returned to the Gulf when it was done and vanished as quickly as it had appeared. The Tea Party released a brief statement blaming the entire event on Obama Care and gay marriage.
Cocksville, New Hampshire. In stunning and seemingly impossible news, the state of Maine has vanished. “I went out to walk my dog, Piddles, this morning,” said Tammy Jugstein, a long time resident of New Hampshire living near the Maine/New Hampshire border, “and there was a huge, empty hole where Maine used to be. I mean the whole bloody state was just…gone! Piddles just stood there barking at the empty space, and I, well, I about piddled my jeans as I stood there in awe. I could see something like this happening to say, Texas, an evil state filled with Conservative jackass Republicans, but Maine? Who’d Maine ever piss off? Not me, that’s for sure. I hope someone finds out where it went and returns it soon. I wouldn’t want the space it occupied to fill up with the Atlantic ocean and not be available when it is found. Where the hell would it go then? There’s a saying round these parts that goes: ‘Sometimes crazy shit just happens.’ I guess this is what it means. Cause this here is as CRAZY as shit can get!”
We here at The Arm Chair Pontificator will do everything in our power to keep you updated on news of this amazing occurrence as it becomes available to us. We’d also like to express our deepest condolences to those readers with friends and family who were in Maine when it vanished. Losing those close to you must be especially hard with the Holidays just around the corner. They, and you, are in our thoughts.
In shocking news, the entire state of Rhode Island vanished from the continental United States this morning. It was found adrift 18 hours later near the southern coast of Australia. When ship-bound reporters approached Rhode Island to ask it what had happened to it, this is what it said. “I ran away from The United States because I do not feel I’m as respected as the other 49 states that make it up, and I refuse to return to it unless the following demands are met: 1.) I want to be made bigger. I’m tired of being a small state. Actually, I want to switch places with Texas. Let me be Texas and Texas be me. I promise I will be far less of a pain in the ass than Texas is currently. 2.) I want every member of congress to wear a T-shirt that reads, ‘I love Rhode Island’ whenever they are in session. 3.) I want Maryland to marry me. I’ve been asking her to marry me for decades and she keeps avoiding me. Make her marry me or I stay where I am. 4.) My last demand is this: I want Virginia to pay me the 500 dollars it owes me from the bet we made on the last Presidential election. Period. It pays up, or I stay here.
To conclude, I give the U.S. 24 hours to meet my demands or I stay where I am. Forever. I love wallabies, so staying here will not be hard.” We at TACP will keep our readers updated on this story as more information becomes available. Until then, here’s hoping Rhode Island returns to the U.S. soon. It feels empty here without it.