Man Town, Ohio. President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America. “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier. “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action. As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could. What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally? I say none. Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive. I’ve not yet made up my mind on it). Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning. It’s both torture AND an execution method). America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs. So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”
Faghater City, Indiana. Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer, announced today that he will be presenting a Freedom From Christians Bill next month in Congress. “This bill is in direct response to the Freedom of Religion Act signed into law by Indiana Governor, Mike Pence, a few weeks ago,” Congressman Wankenfluffer said earlier. “Though Christians may find this hard to believe, a growing number of decent, kind, loving, caring human beings living in America are sick and fucking tired of Christian bigotry, hatred, and deferential, ass-kissing treatment. Thus, I, and several other U.S. Congressmen and Women, have drafted this bill to help put an end to their whining bullshit once and for all. The bill is divided into five very clear ‘rules’ that Christians must abide by for the betterment of America and decent, human kindness everywhere. If passed into law, the bill will allow U.S. authorities to deport any Christian not adhering to it to a Christian work camp in Antarctica, for life. The five ‘rules’ proposed by the bill are listed below.
1.) All Christian Churches will now pay taxes like every other business does in America. Deferential treatment of Christians in this regard ends now.
2.) Fundamentalist Christians will now be required to have a large red “X” tattooed on their right check. This will allow normal people to know who they are and, if they wish, avoid any contact with them.
3.) Christians will no longer be allowed near children without supervision by a Secular Humanist and, then, for no more than five total minutes per week.
4.) Any Christian heard making an anti-gay slur, or refusing a gay person service of any kind, will be forced, standing, into a stockade in the center of Times Square, New York in a t-shirt that reads, ‘I’m a bigoted, anti-gay Christian asshole. Please throw rotten fruit at me.’
5.) Christians will no longer be allowed to marry in America. They may choose to live in sin, but they have proven, by their sickening anti-human behavior, that they do not deserve to share the legal benefits of marriage with other decent, kind, normal Americans.
Let us pray this bill is quickly passed into law so Americans can be free from the tyranny that is Christianity.”