Those People Over There Are The Problem!
Acceptance Village, Alabama. A new study conducted by Professor Iblameyou of the University of Chicago was released today which found that all of the problems in the world today are caused by other people. “These results are amazing,” said Professor Iblameyou. “I surveyed over two thousand people from every part of the globe over the past three years and found, every time, that people blame other people for everything wrong with the world and with themselves. Clearly, these results indicate that the problem of other people is plague-like and simply must be eradicated before life on earth comes to a screeching halt. I would have released these results sooner, but the assistant I had working with me on the project was rather slow in putting the data I gave her together so I had to delay publishing this report. Last time I’ll work with her, I tell you that.
My study also found that when groups of other people act together, they’re even more damaging than when they act alone. Sometimes other people will form into groups, or countries even, that are very different from you and yours. When this happens, chaos ensues. These “other” groups start to act as if they’re as good as you and your group. Name-calling almost always follows. Fighting follows this, and soon, full-scale wars have erupted. We must act now to end the problem of others, a.k.a. those people over there. I’ve started an online group called End All Others Now. Our purpose is to make all others become just like us for the sake of the planet and all humanity. You can join the group at othersblow.com for the nominal fee of 50 dollars. Hope to see you all join – unless, of course, you’re one of them. If that’s the case, don’t bother because you’re not part of the solution, you’re the problem.”
Trump: Sexually Desired By 97% Of White Males
Out Of The Closet City, Oklahoma. A study released today by the University of Chicago shows that 97% of white males find Donald Trump sexually attractive. “It’s truly amazing,” said Professor Beverly Pinkbottom, head of the survey department at the University of Chicago. “I was expecting a few of the white males we surveyed for this study to be sexually attracted to Trump, I mean, come on, just look at the guy, but not 97% of them. Most of the men we interviewed had considered themselves to be strictly heterosexual before becoming infatuated with the manliness and sexual prowess of Donald Trump. One man, who I’ll call Teddy Tinkelberry, said this to me about him: ‘The man is THE man. THE Donald. My willy simply tingles all over when I see his orange face speaking on TV. What he’s saying isn’t important. It’s how sexy and beautifully he says it. The man is SO gorgeous, I simply can not control the primal craving I have for him to ravage me like the weak-kneed bottom I’ve become.'”
Professor Pinkbottom then went on to say, “What I’ve concluded from Mr. Tinkelberry’s statement, and others like it, is that Donald Trump was elected President, not because of his promise to end the economic suffering of down-trodden white males, but because of the deep, latent, homosexual desires he awoke in them. Trump’s boyish charm and powerful sexual aura were simply too much for even the staunchest “heterosexual” white male to resist. It truly is amazing what we learn from these surveys, is it not?”
Professor James Smartman Of The University Of Chicago
Chicago, Illinois. The results of a study conducted by Professor James Smartman, head of the genetics department at the University of Chicago, show what many intelligent humans have always suspected, males of the white supremacist race have extremely tiny penises. “It’s true,” Professor Smartman said earlier. “All of the white supremacist men who took part in this study had penises no longer or thicker than the pubic hair surrounding them. It was, to be honest, very difficult not to laugh at these poor, pathetic creatures as I studied their tiny willies. How this particular group of humans can procreate when the males of the species have such minute genitalia is beyond me. But, unfortunately for the rest of us, they’ve found a way. They’re also not the smartest apples hanging on the homo sapien tree. To get them to participate in this study, all I had to do was offer them a free six-pack and an Uncle Adolph Hitler plush toy. They were happy to let me measure their penises whilst they drank beer, belched, and played with good ole Uncle Adolph. I’ll next be conducting a study to determine whether or not white supremacists have testicles because, to be honest, I didn’t see any while I was digging through their pubes looking for their penises.”
Russian Gal Rushin’ Around For No Good Reason
Hurryville, Montana. Results of a recent survey conducted by Professor Theodore Brightman, head of the Americans Are Smart department at The University of Chicago, show that 87% of Americans think Russians need to slow down. “Look,” said Professor Brightman, “this survey simply reinforces my deeply held belief that we Americans think Russians move around too quickly, and too often. What other possible reason would there be to call them Russians? If it quacks like a duck, and runs around like a duck, then it’s obviously a duck. The rest of the civilized world needs to thank me, and the Americans who filled out my survey, for pointing out this obvious fact. Yes, we Americans are amazingly bright, and it’s my goal to help share the brightness of Americans with the world at large. To conclude, I deeply hope the results of this survey will encourage Russians to slow the hell down and enjoy life. The country they live in is cold, icy, and covered in snow. That’s NOT the type of weather to be rushing around in. Someone could lose an eye, or worse. Hopefully, we’ll soon be referring to Russians by a new name, Slowvians, the calmest people on Earth.”
Cave City, Kentucky. Interesting news today comes to us from Anthropology Professor, Buddy Uptome of the University of Chicago. “I was walking in a wooded area of Kentucky, not far from a town filled with your average Homo Sapiens, when I came across a building called, The Creationist Museum,” Professor Uptome said earlier.
Average Homo Sapiens
“I went inside, out of curiosity, and found the place to be crawling with Young Earth Creationists, a species of hominid known as Homo Stupidous Ignoramous, long thought to be extinct. This particular species of hominid has the same brain capacity and usage of its frontal lobes as regular Homo Sapiens. However, members of this species exhibit a narcissistic, willful, ignorance when it comes to science and learning about the world around them. Instead, this species of hominid deliberately chooses to believe the words of the Bible, a bronze age book which glorifies a homicidal, maniac of a god, are literally and undeniably true. Members of this species can usually be identified by their arrogant and self-righteous attitude when speaking of the Bible, and their Abraham Lincoln-like beards. (See photo below)
Members Of Homo Stupidous Ignoramous Can Be Identified By Their Abraham Lincoln-Like Beards
It is my recommendation, as an anthropologist and an average Homo Sapien, that you stay out of the woods of Kentucky and avoid Homo Stupidous Ignoramous at all costs. Its members are not only insulting to the intellect, they’re highly offensive in their deliberate attempts to convert you to their dangerously naive way of thinking. Also, they smell bad. These are things all normal, intelligent humans are better off without.”
Bigotland, Indiana. Bullshit expert and head of The University of Chicago’s, That’s A Fuckin’ Lie And You Know It department, Professor Vivian V. Agina, said today that Creationists are literally more full of bullshit than real bulls.
Jesus The Creationist
“My department conducted a two-year research project to determine if the shit Creationists espouse could in any way be measured against the shit in the intestines of real bulls,” Professor V. Agina said. “And sure enough, we determined it could be. We had individual Creationists stand on a platform next to which a constipated, real bull also stood. The bulls were secured behind a steel gate keeping the Creationists safe from any physical harm. The bulls, however, could still hear clearly everything spoken around them. We then asked the Creationists to describe for us their literal reading of Genesis as well as several other readings from the Bible which they took to be literally true. In test after test, each time the Creationists began their diatribe on the literal accuracy of the Bible, the bulls began to violently charge at the gate keeping them from the Creationists. In addition to this, each and every bull violently released the contents of its constipated intestines just as each Creationist began to explain that Noah’s Ark was not a story, but literally true. Needless to say, the bullshit from the real bulls ran out LONG before the bullshit coming from the mouths of the Creationists.
Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas
Thus, we have determined with absolute scientific accuracy, that not only do they make excellent bull enemas, Creationists are far more full of bullshit than real bulls, even severely constipated ones.”