Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie: A New Dating Service For Atheists

Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie

A new dating service for atheists called Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie has recently come online.   Here are a few of the questions they ask their subscribers to help them connect people with their ideal mate.

1.) How do you like to eat your infants: A.) Boiled  B.) Fried  C.) Raw ‘n squirmin’ or  D.) Diced and baked on an extra cheese pizza?

2.) When fighting in the war on Christmas each year, what is your preferred weapon:  A.) A .357 Magnum  B.) A flamethrower  C.)  A small nuclear device or  D.) All of the above?

3.) You come upon the house of a Christian and find it has a well in the backyard.  Do you A.)  Poison it with cyanide B.)  Throw the Christian and his family into it and seal it closed  C.)  Pour Ebola into it and laugh as the family suffers and dies from it or  D.)  Fill it with poisonous snakes and giggle when one is brought up in a bucket by the Christian and bites him in the face?

4.) A group of evangelical Christians move in next door to you.  Do you A.)  Begin having all night orgies in your backyard to offend them  B.)  Leave your shades open at night so they can watch you dance naked in the blood of the babies you’ve slaughtered  C.)  Make 3ft penis topiaries out of your front hedges and spend entire weekends outside gently stoking them or D.)  All of the above?

5.)  What’s your idea of a great 1st date  A.)  Reenacting the biblical destruction of Jericho by killing everyone in the town next to you in the name of God  B.)  Finding out where pedophile Catholic priests reside and removing their genitals from their bodies  C.)  Dressing as demons and terrorizing creationists on their way to Sunday services  or  D.)  Any of the above?

 

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Be Prepared For The War On Christmas This Year With The Atheist Fart Ball

The Atheist Fart Ball. Toss One Of These Into An Office Christmas Party Or Christmas Mass, And Watch The Christians Flee The Scene To Avoid The Stench.

The Atheist Fart Ball:  Guaranteed To Fuck Up Christmas For Christians Every Time It’s Used

 

Smellville, South Dakota.   Are you an atheist who fights against Christians and Christmas every holiday season?  Are you looking for a new, fun way to ruin Christmas for pesky, persecuted Christians this year?  Well then, we’ve got just the thing for you: The Atheist Fart BallThe Atheist Fart Ball  is an oblong, nasty-looking ball of compressed methane gas that, once exposed to Christians at Christmas time, safely releases its stinky gas into the air around them.  Toss one into a restaurant during a big Christmas office party and watch in hilarity as Christians flee the scene to escape the smell.  Toss one into a church during Christmas Eve mass, and enjoy even more hilarity as Christians trip over one another trying to get outside for fresh air. The Atheist Fart Ball  is a fun way for every member of the atheist household to enjoy “warring” on Christmas, and Christians, this holiday season.  So, stock up on Atheist Fart Balls now, at $17.99 each, before they’re all sold out.  You don’t want to be without a few of these babies come Christmas time.

(Manufacturers note: The Atheist Fart Ball  will not work on, nor was it designed to work on, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics, Buddhists, or Wiccans.)

Who Put The Hump In Humpty Dumpty?

Here’s a list of crazy shit I think about because, well, I’m crazy.

1.) How do the people of Humpty Dumpty’s species mate without breaking?

How Did Mommy & Daddy Make Me Without Breaking?

How Did Mommy & Daddy Make Me Without Breaking?

2.) How can theists claim, with absolute certainty, that a god or gods exist when I, being an atheist, can not claim, with absolute certainty, they do not? BTW, I also can not claim, with absolute certainty, that Superman doesn’t really exist, though I highly doubt it.

Go Ahead, Prove I'm NOT Real!

Go Ahead, Prove I’m NOT Real!

3.) If theists are so confident in a beautiful afterlife, why fear death and fight to stay alive? Hell, if I knew I had paradise waiting for me, with absolute certainty, I’d be eager to die, and happy to get cancer. Perhaps, just perhaps, deep down, we all instinctively know this is it, and we are all afraid to die because we know this. Perhaps. To be4.) Did Elmer Fudd’s parents speak like him, or did he develop his particular speech impediment as he grew up? Does his desire to kill rabbits cause it, perhaps, or did he inherit it genetically from his parents? A nature vs nurture question in its purest form.

Why Do I Have Dis Weally Funny Voice?

Why Do I Have Dis Weally Funny Voice?

5.) If Bugs Bunny had a fist fight with Woody Woodpecker, who’d win? My bets are on Woody. He’d peck Bugs’ eyes out.

Woody v Bugs

Woody v Bugs

6.) In a hundred years, will our descendents be happy with the Conservative stance that global warming isn’t happening, and it’s a waste of energy to care about it? Just wondering. Climate_change_denial

That’s all for now. Have a pleasant day, and remember, it’s always darkest just before the lights come on. Hallelujah!

 

 

Elmer Fudd Says, “Be Verwee, Verwee Quite. I’m Hunting Wiberals!”

Elmer Fudd, the beloved Warner Bros cartoon character, announced today that he will no longer hunt for his elusive arch nemesis, Bugs Bunny. Instead, Mr. Fudd stated, he will point his rifle at targets easier to hit, namely, liberals, a-theists and anyone having ever read a book by Christopher Hitchens or Richard Dawkins. “Bugs was just too hard to kill,” Mr. Fudd said. “Wiberals and dose who don’t beeweeve in our Ward Jeebus Chwist are easier to kill and deserb to die fer der horrible beweefs.”

Be Verwee Quite! I'm Hunting Wiberals!

Be Verwee Quite! I’m Hunting Wiberals!

It’s uncertain how seriously Mr. Fudd’s threat should be taken, however, because he is only a cartoon character firing cartoon bullets. Thus, the likelihood of anyone actually being hurt by him is practically nonexistent.