Ask A Fetus

Dear Fetus, I’ve a serious problem I hope you can help me with. There’s a group of young ruffian kids who constantly run all over my lawn and tear it up. I’ve yelled at them; set bear traps to catch and seriously injure them, and fired multiple rounds of buck shot at them, all to no avail. They mock me with their very existence, and, if they do not stop tearing up my lawn, I will completely lose every shred of sanity I have left. Is there any advice you can give me to stop this unbearable torture I endure a few days out of every summer? Thanks in advance, The Reverend Jerome “Grouchy” Oldman

 

Dear Jerome, you think you’ve got problems?! I’m a fetus! A f**kin’ FETUS! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to order a pizza when you’re a fetus? Do you?! Well, let me tell you. First, I’m surrounded by embryonic fluid which is constantly f**king up my iPhone. I’ve had to replace the f**kin’ thing 3 times since I was a zygote. 3 f**kin’ times! Next, try ordering a pizza to be delivered to the address: “My mother’s belly.” “Which mother’s belly?” They always ask. Well, how in f**k’s name would I know. I’m a f**kin’ FETUS! I’m INSIDE a womb. I’ve no idea whose womb yet because I can’t f**kin’ see her face! Jesus Christ! It sucks, Jerome! It really f**kin’ sucks! Compared to your “lawn” issue, this one’s far, far worse. So, next time you want to ask me a question, ask me a serious one or f**k off. Hope this helps. Love always, a Fetus

Equivalency

equal-sign

It’s all equal

Right?

Everything

Evolution

Creationism

Jesus

Allah

Yahweh

Odin

Progressives

Conservatives

Climate change is real

Climate change is a liberal lie

Women are equal to men

Women are less than men

The poor are lazy fucks

The poor are suffering humans

Native Americans are whining losers

Native Americans have been subjected to genocide

The disabled are lying bastards

The disabled need help, empathy, and compassion

Education is overrated

Education should be valued, admired, and sought after

Lying bigly to get what you want, no matter what, is great

Lying to get what you want, no matter what, is bad

Hate-filled racism is justified

Hate-filled racism is not justified

It’s all

Equal in the eyes of

America

Right?

It’s all as it should be

Right?

It’s all equal

Right?

Right?

RIGHT?!!!!

 

 

 

 

Democrats Finally Grow Some Balls

It’s about fucking time.  We, progressives, liberals, Democrats, and all normal human beings, need to fight, resist, and obstruct Trump and his Putin-loving Republican cronies at every single turn.   They’re anti-American, traitorous dogs.  Fuck ’em all.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/powerpost/senate-democrats-face-a-key-test-tuesday-amid-promises-to-stand-up-to-trump/2017/01/31/1685487a-e7bd-11e6-b82f-687d6e6a3e7c_story.html

But I Deserved It

childabusedcrying

He hit me

But I deserved it

He raped me

But I led him on

They threw me against a wall

But it was my fault

I cried

Though I shouldn’t have

I once begged for them to stop

But they didn’t

They didn’t because they said

I was bad

And

I

Believed them

He loves me

So I forgive him

When he hits me

I blame myself

I was

Taught that

And

Who

Are

You

To

Question

It?

Ban The Christians, Too

banned-stamp-clipart

Once more, I find myself in deep agreement with perhaps the most brilliant mind of our time, Donald Trump.  Trump wishes to place a ban on all Muslim immigration into the U.S. in order to “keep America safe from terror.”  Well, I gotta admit, a better, more soundly thought out idea I’ve never heard.  There are, however, two things that I think would make this brilliant idea even more brilliant.

1.) Let’s kick all Muslims who are currently in the U.S. out of it, and I mean all of them, regardless of whether or not they’re U.S. citizens.  It’s the only real way we can know we’re safe from Islamic terror on our home soil.   Anyone following a Holy Book and a god that preaches violence, hatred, revenge, and misogyny can not be trusted to be in America.  How could any reasonable American disagree with this?  They couldn’t.  This, then, leads me to my second brilliance-increasing idea.

2.)  Let’s kick out every Christian who currently resides in the U.S. and ban them from ever re-entering the country.  Like Muslims, we simply can not trust Christians.  They have a Holy Book filled with vile and disgusting commands from, essentially, the same god the Muslims follow.   Christians have shown time and time again that their religion is a breeding ground for bigotry, pedophilia, murder, rape, revenge, and pure, unadulterated hatred.  I certainly don’t feel safe around them.  Do you?  Of course you don’t.   So, join with Donald Trump, and other highly intelligent Americans, in demanding Congress pass a law making the physical removal of all Christians and Muslims from the U.S. our number one priority.   Only then will we be safe.  Only then will we be able to say, finally, “We’ve won the war on terror!  God bless America!  And God bless freedom!”

A Solution Or Another Modest Proposal

modest-proposal2

Orlando, Florida.   Once again, in America, an armed gunman has killed innocent people for whatever insane reason he felt he had to.  50 people were killed in Orlando last night.  50 human beings who were alive at this time yesterday morning are now dead due to the actions of one armed lunatic.  The reason why this happened, and/or why he did it, is not the purpose of this post.  Instead, I wish to address a partial, if not total, solution to this horrid problem in our society: Guns.  No, it’s not what you’re thinking.  I’m not going to rant about the dangers and evils of guns.  I’m going to do something unexpected here and say, that in total honesty, I agree with Donald Trump’s position on an armed populace.  (Check out this CNN piece on Trump and the shootings in Paris last November to see what I’m talking about:http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/14/politics/paris-terror-attacks-donald-trump-guns/)

If every citizen in that nightclub last night were armed, this tragedy would have been greatly reduced, if not completely prevented.  Let’s envision it, shall we.  A man comes into a nightclub, takes out an automated weapon and starts to shoot.  Several people are hit, BUT, then, EVERY person in the club pulls out a weapon and fires at the gunman!  BANG! BANG, mother fucker! You’re dead.  A few people may be killed or hurt at first, but clearly it would not be 50.  AND, if every person in America were armed, and EVERY nut-job who’s planning some crazed killing spree were aware of it, maybe, just maybe, they’d have second thoughts about going through with it.

Therefor, I’m modestly proposing that Trump’s first act as Commander and Chief be to pass a law making it mandatory for every man, woman and child in America to carry a loaded gun.   This is not a crazed, ridiculous statement I’m making.  It’s the quickest, easiest solution to acts of terrorism on American soil.  Here’s what this law will say.  Every child born in America will be given a loaded weapon upon leaving the hospital with their mothers, and, beginning in kindergarten, each child will be trained to use that gun as if it were a part of their very being.  They’ll be taught to shoot first and ask questions later if they spot armed terrorists or armed crazy people in crowded, public places.   In addition, every adult born before this law becomes active will now be required to carry an armed weapon at all times.   To be caught without one will result in severe financial penalties as well as up to 6 months in prison.   This law will make crazy people, religious extremists, whacked-out bigots, and all others wishing to harm others with loaded weapons go to another country to carry out their hateful acts.  America will be safe once more, and, more importantly, it will be truly free for the first time in its history.

In conclusion, please remember what Jesus said to Peter during the Last Supper: “Peter, I’m gonna say this once to you, and only once.  An armed populace is a safe populace.  Now, hand me the lamb, I’m starved.”