Hope everyone but the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee, who STILL refuse to acknowledge my self-awarded Nobel Prize, have a grand and safe effin’ New Year. And let’s hope for a wonderful 2020, y’all!
I have come up with some Nobel Prize winning thoughts on gun violence in America: what its causes are and how to best end it. I’m including these flawless thoughts in my platform as I run for the US Senate in 2020. I am the only solution to the problem that is a liberal-infested, media-haunted America. Anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and a libtard. Period.
The media should be required, under penalty of death, to report only what our government WANTS us to know. Turn each shooting into a “Candy Given Away To Hungry Kids” headline, and all will be well. Shootings will stop, and a happy bliss will fall over America. Hell, don’t cover ANY shootings and INCREASE the ease with which people can purchase weapons–THAT will surely solve the problem. To further my argument, let me list the following, true, causes of gun violence in America.
1.) Media coverage of shootings is, first and foremost, the main reason gun violence exists in America. Period. 2.) Video games. These, without a doubt, are making mass shooters out of our youth. There is NO argument against this that even begins to make sense. 3.) Comic books and violent films. Again, it is inarguable that THESE things are a MAJOR cause of mass shootings in America. Only sissified liberals argue differently. 4.) Media coverage of mass shootings. (I know, this is also reason one, but it is SO much a reason as to why these shootings happen, I felt I just HAD to mention it again. OK?) 5.) Liberals who are demanding stricter gun sales. These sissified, anti-American a-holes are a MASSIVE cause of mass shootings because they rouse trouble wherever they go by talking their leftist, commie bullshit. This enrages true Americans who then read comic books and play video games; this then leads them to use their otherwise safe semi-automatic weapons to kill hundreds. Science supports me on this, as does the internet. Look it up if you don’t believe me.
To conclude, there are few horrid things that happen in America today that aren’t caused by liberals, the media and their disgusting disregard for the truth the rest of us Christ-loving Americans are so proud of. Like Sally Field once said to Burt Reynolds, “Burt, if the media ignored libtards and mass shootings and only told us about the happier things in life, we’d have nothing to ever worry about.” Wiser words have never been spoken. Think about it: If you don’t hear about a blood-filled mass shooting that happened in a city across the country from you, did it really even happen?
I just read report by some libtard, weak-kneed SJW fool that poverty, in America, is caused by “environment”. Well, to this I say, “Environment my fat, dimpled ass!” It’s gas chambers and crematoriums that are needed to end poverty in America, not fixes to the “environment,” and, by Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I stand by this statement! Look, we can ALL agree that poverty in America is caused by one thing and one thing only: laziness. Only the lazy CHOOSE to be and remain poor. The poor, like the disabled, the elderly, and the gay, are stains on this proud, Christian country. America was founded by strong, straight, non-disabled, non-poor, white men. There can be NO argument here. None. The only way to end laziness, poverty, disabled people, non-Christain people, and gay people, is to gas and cremate those who deliberately choose to live these lifestyles. Let’s be clear here, these are lifestyle CHOICES we are talking about. NO ONE is poor for ANY other reason in America except laziness. PERIOD!
I should NOT have to deal with these types of “people,” and neither should anyone else. So, vote for me for the Senate in 2020 and I’ll bring to Congress my platform to gas and cremate EVERY person in America who is SO lazy as to be poor, gay, disabled, and/or old. Truly, with the love and help of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and me as a senator, we can make America Free Again so decent, Christian, straight, non-poor, non-gay, non-lazy Americans can walk the streets safely, proudly and without the blight of lazy people assaulting us at every turn.
God bless, America, and God bless those who choose to not be so fucking lazy as to be poor, disabled, gay, or old. $Amen$
“The problem is,” said The Critic, “is that the universe is an un-ordered place, and disorder, in all circumstances, is simply unacceptable. My job as a critic, is to point out disorder, critique it, and hope, by this critique, to motivate change toward perfection. I can’t abide ANYTHING that is, or appears to be, not organized and perfect. I need all paintings and pictures on all walls I see to be hung perfectly straight and rightly aligned. If, for example, I go into someone’s house and see that their pictures are hung even slightly crooked, or that the utensils in their kitchen cabinets are in ANY sort of disarray, I’ve no problem pointing it out to them. Only weak-minded fools live in such a chaotic state. My will is disciplined and strong from decades of hard study and controlled, reasoned thoughts. My job, as The Critic, is to correct the flaws and weaknesses in others by riding them mercilessly about what I perceive to be their short comings. Wear a suit with a tie that doesn’t quite match, and I’ll trash you for it. I’ll trash you until I humiliate you enough to change your ways and correct the flaws I see in you. Date someone who I think isn’t attractive, and I’ll tell you you’re a buffoon for doing so. Perfection is all, and order is God.
Through discipline, criticism, and ordered thought, I see my place on earth as a force to better it, and by doing so, to better life for all humans on it. When I leave this life, my tombstone shall read, ‘Here Lies A Man Who Accepted NOTHING But Order, Perfection, And Discipline.’ Some may find my constant demand for perfection, as my learned mind sees it, as too harsh, too strict, too unreasonable. To them I say, you’re weak, cowardly, and afraid to admit that MY way of order, MY insight into life and how it should be lived, is the RIGHT one. Many hear my criticisms of them and the world and shake in terror because they are awed by my brilliance and my greatness and know living up to them may not be possible for them. A superior intellect and a superior human being can be intimidating to many. Others who fear me say I’m a cruel man who should not be listened to. Fear does that to weak minds. But, in the end, I KNOW my way will be seen as right by everyone. My legacy will last forever, and I will be remembered as the greatest, most ordered and disciplined mind to have ever lived. Schools will teach children of the value MY sense of correctness, order and righteousness brought to this world, and holidays will be celebrated in my honor many centuries after I’m gone. I am The Critic. I am the voice of greatness. I am the voice of reason and order and no one will ever be able to say, in the long run, that I was wrong. It was my destiny to criticize those weaker than I. It was my righteous task. These are facts that, in time, all will see as true. So sayeth The Critic. So sayeth the perfect human mind.”
The Critic died in his 78th year of life. He was alone when it happened–a heart attack, say the doctors. Since he had no next of kin, and lived friendless and alone because no one, in his opinion, was good enough to be anywhere near him or in his home, his body lie rotting for two weeks before his neighbors began to smell it decaying and called authorities to come check on him. Flies, maggots, beetles and rats were feasting on his corpse when the police found it. The ooze from his decaying corpse had dripped into the fine woodwork of his living room floor and ruined it. It all had to be torn up and disposed of due to the smell that could not be washed away. His perfectly aligned books and paintings were also ruined from the odor of his rotting body and had to be disposed of. His entire, meticulously built home was gutted and repaired with the most basic and common of drywall and other building materials. A common, middle class man eventually bought the place. He worked hard, but wasn’t a home body, not really. So he let the yard grow wild. It eventually resembled a dandelion forest as his lack of proper maintenance allowed said flower to completely take over. No sign that a perfect critic and man had once tended to a perfectly manicured lawn remained. All was rather common and benignly undisciplined. It was all very normal now.
As for The Critic’s body, it was roughly autopsied and eventually buried in an old, rarely used grave yard somewhere south of his once perfectly ordered home. His grave was marked with a single crooked, cracked stone which read, “Here Lies The Critic. A Man Who Will Forever Be Remembered For Just How Perfect He Was.”
In case anyone is concerned with my day-to-day activities, and who, for Christ’s sake isn’t, I’ve recently offered to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller and give him everything I know about Donald Trump and Russia. He told me, “No way, pal,” since I’ve not been charged with anything, and, in reality, have absolutely NOTHING to do with Trump OR Russia. This is kind of a bummer as I’d hoped to make a deal were I could be relocated to Hawaii and be surrounded by beautiful women agents who’d do anything I asked them to until my dying day. Oh, well, what can ya do, eh? Welp, I’m off to write threatening letters to members of the Nobel Prize Committee for STILL not recognizing my self-awarded Nobel Prize. $Amen$
1.) People who do good only because they believe an invisible guy will send them to eternal hell if they don’t are shit-heads we’d be better off without.
2.) Just because I do not believe your assertion that there’s an invisible guy or invisible beings running the universe does not mean I’m making an assertion that such things absolutely do not or can not exist. Perhaps they do. I simply have seen nothing to convince me of this. Nothing.
3.) Who’s in a better position to explain what my thoughts and feelings are on something, me or you?
4.) Those who argue vehemently that there IS and MUST be a god are, deep down, terrified they’re wrong.
5.) Why do Christians argue that evolution is wrong with non biologists? If you wish to assert evolution is wrong, go to the evolutionary biology department at the University of Chicago and explain it to the scientists there. Then, if you can convince them with your wisdom, knowledge and expertise on the subject that you’re right, let me know.
6.) Let’s say you’ve succeeded at number 5 from above and convinced the evolutionary biologists at the University of Chicago that evolution is a crock of dinosaur poop. Great. That’s grand. You’ve proven I was an idiot for thinking those folks had a solid basis for their scientific theory. However, do you know what you’ve not proven to me? JESUS! You STILL have to provide demonstrable evidence for your particular take on your particular god in order for me to give credence to your assertions that he is real. OK? I’m waiting.
7.) The world is beautiful. The universe is mind-boggling and immense. How did it come to be? Why is it here? Why are we here? There’s one honest answer to these questions. One answer that is “right.” That answer is, I don’t know. And do ya know what? Neither do you.
8.) I honestly do not care what you believe or do not believe. However, when you try to legislate your religious beliefs so that I, too, will be governed by them, I’m gonna fight back against you with every breath I take.
9.) I get more joy and love from my dog than I’ve ever gotten from any invisible being or entity.
10.) While living life at times is hard for me, I find living it as best I can each day to be far more productive than dwelling on my death and on what comes after it. My death will create in the universe the same state that was here for the 13.7 billion years before I was born. I simply won’t exist, and, after a brief period of time, no one will even notice.
11.) People who can’t laugh at and/or mock themselves occasionally will never be winners of self-awarded Nobel Prizes the way I have.
Thought I’d share this well-written essay about the historicity of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, with you all. This isn’t really something I’ve an enormous interest in, but I thought this piece was quite good. Now, I’m going to drop to my knees and thank the Lord Christ and the members of the Republican party for loving every person in America equally and without judgement or prejudice. Thank you, and please, if you MUST chew gum while we’re driving, do not stick it under the car seat when you’re done. $Amen$