Help A Giant Monster Eat These White Males: Play, Get Whitey, This Christmas
Are you tired of whining white males and their ridiculous love of bigotry, misogyny, and xenophobia? Do you wish you could send a large green monster to chase them around the cities of America and eat them? Well, then, we’ve got just the video game for you: Get Whitey. Get Whitey was designed by dozens of minority groups who’ve been shut out, ridiculed, and marginalized over the centuries by white males who feel they’re entitled to own the world simply because they are, indeed, white males. Just plug your Get Whitey video game into your gaming console or computer and you’ll have hours of fun chasing white males all throughout America as a giant, green monster who just loves to eat them.
The Whitey Ain’t All That video game company is proud to release this fun new game just in time for Christmas. Buy one now for just $77.98, and we’ll toss in a free can of White Male Repellent pepper spray absolutely free. Like it says on the can, “When Whitey tries to grab you by the pussy, one spray of this stops ’em dead in his tracks.” So buy now while supplies last, and remember, Christmas doesn’t have to be white to be great.
Swastika Village, Texas. Do you have trouble finding Christmas gifts for your racist pals in the Alt-Right movement? Are you an Alt-Right member yourself who feels discriminated against because there are no toys marketed toward white supremacists? Well, your worries are over. Just in time for Christmas, the All Colors Are Great As Long As They’re White Toy Company is releasing several new Alt-Right talking plush toys designed to make white supremacists of all ages giddy with joy. These toys are only $9.99 a piece, and if you order one now, you’ll get a free, Trump May Be Orange, But We Love Him Any Way t-shirt absolutely free. Here are pics of the toys along with the phrases they’ll say when you, or your racist kids, squeeze them.
Give Whitey, The Hitler Youth Seal a good squeeze and hear him recite Hitler’s masterpiece, Mein Kampf in its entirety.
Every time you squeeze Whiteness The Cat’s tummy he says, “Meow! This cookie I’m eating is great cause it was made by white people in America and not by icky Mexican people in Mexico.”
Pick up any member of The Snow White Family and give ’em a squeeze. When you do, you’ll hear one of these wonderful phrases: 1.) “We’re smilin’ cause we’re white ‘n we’re proud.” 2.) “It’s great to not be black.” 3.) Mexicans belong behind big-ass walls.” 4.) “Jesus was white; that’s why he loves us and hates brown people.”
Order yours now while supplies last at http://www.luvwhites.com
The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun
Are you a Republican worried a Muslim, black, or Mexican person may creep into your home through a window at night and kidnap or kill your child or children under the age of 11? Well, worry no more because The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun is here to save the day. The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun is a fully loaded, automated hand gun designed to be used by conservative white children under the age of 11. Let’s say a nasty undocumented Mexican slithers into your conservative, 8-year-old, white child’s room one evening to kill him. He’ll be anticipating a very passive victim, but, instead, he’ll encounter a fully armed child who’ll shoot him smack dab in the face. Bang! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hilarious, is it not? Rest easy at night knowing your conservative white children are sleeping soundly in their rooms with The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun stuffed safely under their pillows. Don’t lose another night’s sleep. Order The ‘Lil Republican Hand Gun now for only $75. 99, and we’ll toss in an Older Child’s Republican Hand Gun, for kids ages 11 to 17, absolutely free!
I’ve invented many wonderful gadgets over the years in my never-ending quest to force the Nobel Prize Committee to give me my hard-earned Nobel Prize. Here are a few of them along with their suggested retail prices. Each is available for purchase in The Arm Chair Pontificator online store should you wish to buy them.
TACP Self-Cleaning Dog. This adorable pet comes with a built-in cleaning system so you never have to bathe him. Just sprinkle a little water on him, stand back, and watch your pet foam up, rinse, then dry off right in front of you without ever having to get your hands wet. These make GREAT Christmas gifts and cost only $76.89. Buy now while supplies last.
TACP Worm Hole Sealer. I invented this after I used a particle accelerator to open a worm hole to the Andromeda Galaxy in my apartment one morning. It sucked half my things up into it before I created this super magnetized zipper to seal it shut. If you have a worm hole in your home or apartment, buy one of these puppies for $34.75 and seal it shut for good. You’ll be glad you did.
TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. This item actually brings swatted flies and bees BACK to life after they’ve been killed. You see, I’m a pacifist and believe all life is special, even the life of flies and bees. So, I invented this awesome fly swatter that brings them back to life when you wave it over their splattered corpses. Amaze, and even piss off your friends, as you resurrect the pesky insects they’ve just killed while at the beach or on a picnic with TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. They’re only $23.56 in our online store.
TACP Stairway To Heaven. I invented this one night after a drinking binge just to see if I could do it. Welp, I did. Took me all night, but by morning I’d built a stairway to Heaven and was having tea with Jesus, John Lennon, and Leonard Nimoy while watching the sun rise. Of course, Jesus kicked my ass right back down the stairway when he learned I was an atheist, but, if you’ve got $99.99 and would like to buy this from me, you may have better luck than I did with the dude and actually get to stay for breakfast.
Poor Away Is Death In A Can For Anyone Making Less Than 15 Thousand A Year
Just in time for Christmas, the Tea Party announced today it is selling a new product to help eliminate the poor from the face of the Earth. It’s called, Poor Away. Just spray a tiny bit onto anyone making under 15 thousand dollars a year and they’ll dissolve into thin air as if they never lived. Be the envy of your conservative, white, Christian friends as you wipe out the poor with Poor Away. The proceeds of each sale go to support tax vouchers to help rich people send their children to wealthy, private schools. Eliminate the foul-smelling blight that the poor bring to our country and, at the same time, help keep rich white kids from having to mingle with poor, black, Hispanic, and Asian kids in Public Schools. What can be a better Holiday gift to give to yourself and/or your Tea Party member friends this Christmas than a sparkling new can of Poor Away ? Pre-order one today, for the meager price of 75 dollars, and receive a free, Earth Is Only 6000 Years Old , T-shirt while supplies last.
The Atheist Fart Ball: Guaranteed To Fuck Up Christmas For Christians Every Time It’s Used
Smellville, South Dakota. Are you an atheist who fights against Christians and Christmas every holiday season? Are you looking for a new, fun way to ruin Christmas for pesky, persecuted Christians this year? Well then, we’ve got just the thing for you: The Atheist Fart Ball. The Atheist Fart Ball is an oblong, nasty-looking ball of compressed methane gas that, once exposed to Christians at Christmas time, safely releases its stinky gas into the air around them. Toss one into a restaurant during a big Christmas office party and watch in hilarity as Christians flee the scene to escape the smell. Toss one into a church during Christmas Eve mass, and enjoy even more hilarity as Christians trip over one another trying to get outside for fresh air. The Atheist Fart Ball is a fun way for every member of the atheist household to enjoy “warring” on Christmas, and Christians, this holiday season. So, stock up on Atheist Fart Balls now, at $17.99 each, before they’re all sold out. You don’t want to be without a few of these babies come Christmas time.
(Manufacturers note: The Atheist Fart Ball will not work on, nor was it designed to work on, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics, Buddhists, or Wiccans.)
Check out these great Christmas gift ideas available now at The Arm Chair Pontificator store.
1.) The Crusades Action Playset: Wadda buy that Christian kid you know who just has EVERYTHING? The Crusades Action Playset, that’s what! This little beauty comes with a miniature replica of Medieval Jerusalem, Ten Christian Crusader action figures to storm it, and Ten Muslim warrior action figures to defend it. Help the Christian child in your life learn the sacred value of raping, killing, and stealing from Muslim heathens with this realistically designed playset. As a bonus, each figure comes with its very own miniaturized circulatory system which sprays blood over twelve inches into the air when the figure is stabbed. Buy one now for only $22.78, and we’ll throw in an “Abortion Is Murder” T-shirt absolutely free.
Reenact The Crusades With The Crusades Action Playset
2.) Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Liberals: These life-sized Liberals are the ideal gift for the Conservative Republican in your life who just loves to physically beat the sh*t out of every left-wing liberal he knows. Stand in utter amazement as you watch the Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Liberal take punch after Republican punch while doing absolutely nothing to defend itself. Buy now for $17.98 while supplies last. They’re going fast, so hurry if you want one.
Punch Someone Who Won’t Punch Back: Punch A Liberal
3.) 100 Tax-Exempt Certificates: When you buy it for God, you buy it tax-free. This box of 100 tax exempt certificates is the ideal present for that wealthy Christian you know who’d rather see roads crumble and poor people starve than pay another tax. Each certificate comes with an authentic George W. Bush signature verifying it’s authenticity. Help wealthy Christians stay wealthy. Give ’em these beautifully designed tax-exempt certificates this Christmas. Each box of 100 is only a meager $244.97, plus tax.
They Can’t Tax You If You’re Buying For God
That’s all for now, folks.