Freedom From Christians Bill Proposed By Indiana Congressman

 Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer

Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer

Faghater City, Indiana.  Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer, announced today that he will be presenting a Freedom From Christians Bill next month in Congress. “This bill is in direct response to the Freedom of Religion Act signed into law by Indiana Governor, Mike Pence, a few weeks ago,” Congressman Wankenfluffer said earlier. “Though Christians may find this hard to believe, a growing number of decent, kind, loving, caring human beings living in America are sick and fucking tired of Christian bigotry, hatred, and deferential, ass-kissing treatment. Thus, I, and several other U.S. Congressmen and Women, have drafted this bill to help put an end to their whining bullshit once and for all. The bill is divided into five very clear ‘rules’ that Christians must abide by for the betterment of America and decent, human kindness everywhere. If passed into law, the bill will allow U.S. authorities to deport any Christian not adhering to it to a Christian work camp in Antarctica, for life.  The five ‘rules’ proposed by the bill are listed below.

Freedom From Christians Is What This Bill Is All About

Freedom From Christians Is What This Bill Is All About

1.) All Christian Churches will now pay taxes like every other business does in America. Deferential treatment of Christians in this regard ends now.

2.) Fundamentalist Christians will now be required to have a large red “X” tattooed on their right check. This will allow normal people to know who they are and, if they wish, avoid any contact with them.

3.) Christians will no longer be allowed near children without supervision by a Secular Humanist and, then, for no more than five total minutes per week.

4.) Any Christian heard making an anti-gay slur, or refusing a gay person service of any kind, will be forced, standing, into a stockade in the center of Times Square, New York in a t-shirt that reads, ‘I’m a bigoted, anti-gay Christian asshole. Please throw rotten fruit at me.’

5.) Christians will no longer be allowed to marry in America. They may choose to live in sin, but they have proven, by their sickening anti-human behavior, that they do not deserve to share the legal benefits of marriage with other decent, kind, normal Americans.

Let us pray this bill is quickly passed into law so Americans can be free from the tyranny that is Christianity.”

Rhode Island Vanishes: Found Adrift Near Australia

Missing As Of This Morning

Missing As Of This Morning

In shocking news, the entire state of Rhode Island vanished from the continental United States this morning. It was found adrift 18 hours later near the southern coast of Australia. When ship-bound reporters approached Rhode Island to ask it what had happened to it, this is what it said. “I ran away from The United States because I do not feel I’m as respected as the other 49 states that make it up, and I refuse to return to it unless the following demands are met: 1.) I want to be made bigger. I’m tired of being a small state. Actually, I want to switch places with Texas. Let me be Texas and Texas be me. I promise I will be far less of a pain in the ass than Texas is currently. 2.) I want every member of congress to wear a T-shirt that reads, ‘I love Rhode Island’ whenever they are in session. 3.) I want Maryland to marry me. I’ve been asking her to marry me for decades and she keeps avoiding me. Make her marry me or I stay where I am. 4.) My last demand is this: I want Virginia to pay me the 500 dollars it owes me from the bet we made on the last Presidential election. Period. It pays up, or I stay here.

Rhode Island Is Now Just South Of Australia

Rhode Island Is Currently Just South Of Australia

To conclude, I give the U.S. 24 hours to meet my demands or I stay where I am. Forever. I love wallabies, so staying here will not be hard.”  We at TACP will keep our readers updated on this story as more information becomes available. Until then, here’s hoping Rhode Island returns to the U.S. soon. It feels empty here without it.