Big Building City, New York. Santa Claus was arrested today on charges of public indecency and possession of marijuana outside Macy’s Dept Store in New York. “I’m deeply embarrassed by my behavior,” Santa said earlier. “I’ve been under tremendous stress because of the atheist war on Christmas which takes place at this time every year. Last year, Rudolph was shot through his back left hoof by an atheist drone while we were flying over Chicago delivering toys to Christian kids on Christmas Eve night. We’re both still suffering from PTSD because of it. I find that the only way I can deal with it is to strip down to my underwear, fire up a big ass pipe full of weed and dance in the streets while smoking it. I’m awfully sorry to all the Christian kids I’ve let down by my behavior. I just wish these damn atheists would stop trying to kill me every Christmas. It is, as this incident proves, causing me great emotional distress.”
Now for our latest advice column, Advice From An Average Atheist
Smellville, South Dakota. Are you an atheist who fights against Christians and Christmas every holiday season? Are you looking for a new, fun way to ruin Christmas for pesky, persecuted Christians this year? Well then, we’ve got just the thing for you: The Atheist Fart Ball. The Atheist Fart Ball is an oblong, nasty-looking ball of compressed methane gas that, once exposed to Christians at Christmas time, safely releases its stinky gas into the air around them. Toss one into a restaurant during a big Christmas office party and watch in hilarity as Christians flee the scene to escape the smell. Toss one into a church during Christmas Eve mass, and enjoy even more hilarity as Christians trip over one another trying to get outside for fresh air. The Atheist Fart Ball is a fun way for every member of the atheist household to enjoy “warring” on Christmas, and Christians, this holiday season. So, stock up on Atheist Fart Balls now, at $17.99 each, before they’re all sold out. You don’t want to be without a few of these babies come Christmas time.
(Manufacturers note: The Atheist Fart Ball will not work on, nor was it designed to work on, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics, Buddhists, or Wiccans.)