Santa Arrested For Smoking Weed In Public

santaBig Building City, New York.   Santa Claus was arrested today on charges of public indecency and possession of marijuana outside Macy’s Dept Store in New York.  “I’m deeply embarrassed by my behavior,” Santa said earlier.  “I’ve been under tremendous stress because of the atheist war on Christmas which takes place at this time every year.   Last year, Rudolph was shot through his back left hoof by an atheist drone while we were flying over Chicago delivering toys to Christian kids on Christmas Eve night.   We’re both still suffering from PTSD because of it.  I find that the only way I can deal with it is to strip down to my underwear, fire up a big ass pipe full of weed and dance in the streets while smoking it.  I’m awfully sorry to all the Christian kids I’ve let down by my behavior.  I just wish these damn atheists would stop trying to kill me every Christmas.  It is, as this incident proves, causing me great emotional distress.”

Advice From An Average Atheist

Now for our latest advice column,  Advice From An Average Atheist

Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year's War On Christmas. Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last year, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012. Just wondering so I can be prepared. Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy

Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year’s War On Christmas.  Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012?  Just wondering so I can be prepared.     Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy  

 

 Young Billy, this is WAR! Though I'm glad you asked your question, I can't any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS. You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I'll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy. Beware the trees. Thanks for asking your question, and have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year. Yours in insipid evil, An Average Atheist

Dear Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, least you forget, this is WAR!  Though I’m glad you asked your question, I can’t any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS.  You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I’ll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy.  Beware the trees.  Hope this helps, and thanks for asking your question.  Hope you have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year.   Yours In Insipid Evil, An Average Atheist

Be Prepared For The War On Christmas This Year With The Atheist Fart Ball

The Atheist Fart Ball. Toss One Of These Into An Office Christmas Party Or Christmas Mass, And Watch The Christians Flee The Scene To Avoid The Stench.

The Atheist Fart Ball:  Guaranteed To Fuck Up Christmas For Christians Every Time It’s Used

 

Smellville, South Dakota.   Are you an atheist who fights against Christians and Christmas every holiday season?  Are you looking for a new, fun way to ruin Christmas for pesky, persecuted Christians this year?  Well then, we’ve got just the thing for you: The Atheist Fart BallThe Atheist Fart Ball  is an oblong, nasty-looking ball of compressed methane gas that, once exposed to Christians at Christmas time, safely releases its stinky gas into the air around them.  Toss one into a restaurant during a big Christmas office party and watch in hilarity as Christians flee the scene to escape the smell.  Toss one into a church during Christmas Eve mass, and enjoy even more hilarity as Christians trip over one another trying to get outside for fresh air. The Atheist Fart Ball  is a fun way for every member of the atheist household to enjoy “warring” on Christmas, and Christians, this holiday season.  So, stock up on Atheist Fart Balls now, at $17.99 each, before they’re all sold out.  You don’t want to be without a few of these babies come Christmas time.

(Manufacturers note: The Atheist Fart Ball  will not work on, nor was it designed to work on, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics, Buddhists, or Wiccans.)