I’ve been taught since birth that
He will protect me
My entire life has been
When my country calls on me to
Its enemies in
How can I not agree to
I’ve been a soldier now for
Today is the first day that
I’ve had my enemy’s throat beneath my
I can see the
Terror in his eyes,
But God calls on me to
Slice his throat
His warm blood spills over my hand
And I know,
That even though my stomach wretches at what I’ve done,
Allah loves me because I’ve
Greetings to all infidels and defilers of Islamic law, my name is Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer of Infidels, and Allah has sent me to kill you. Allah has become increasingly sickened by the existence of Christians, Jews, a-theists, and every other infidel out there who refuses to accept that he is the one and ONLY true god there is. (Just as a side note, he is NOT angry with any infidel for dissing his prophet, Muhammad, at the moment. This is because Muhammad owes him a great deal of money from a bet he lost to him on the Super Bowl, and until it’s paid, Allah will act as if Muhammad doesn’t exist). However, Allah IS angry, beyond all words, by the arrogant disrespect infidels show him by choosing to be infidels in the first place. So, if you are an infidel, Allah wants you to know he hates you. He hates you SO much, in fact, that he’s proclaimed you must be executed as swiftly as possible for he can no longer stomach your existence. And he has chosen me, Admiral Taslim Ackbar, to be the vehicle through which this is accomplished.
Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer Of Infidels
However, before I bring Allah’s bloody vengeance down upon all infidels, I must first ask a question that I’ve pondered my whole life: How could any intelligent man chose NOT to be Muslim?! What an outstanding, manly religion Islam is! It has everything any male monotheist could ever ask for in an ancient, outdated, dogmatic belief system. Below are but a few of its more desirable qualities.
- Women are looked upon as evil temptresses in Islam and are considered to be no more than second, or even third-rate, pieces of property belonging to their husbands. They must keep their evil, temptress-like faces veiled at all times so men won’t be tempted to rape them. AND, now get this, if a man does happen to rape a woman, well, it’s simply seen as her own fault for not wearing the right veil or for having eyes that were just too seductive and evil for ANY man to resist. Now if that isn’t just about the best example of a win/win situation there is for a guy, I don’t know what is!
Like Muhammad, men can choose to marry, in certain advanced Muslim countries, girls under the age of 12. What adult male pedophile wouldn’t love this idea? No better way to train a woman to behave exactly the way you want her to than to start fuckin’ ‘er before she’s 12! That’s what I always say!
In many parts of the world, America in particular, religious “Faith” is given such a high degree of deference that you can do almost ANYTHING in its name and people will remain silent about it for fear of “offending” you. This serves Islamic bullies, like me, quite well. Being a killer of infidels, I appreciate not having my religious practices, which often involve public declarations of hate and threats of death against those Allah decrees I must abhor, questioned by anyone for fear they might offend me by doing so. Islam is a great religion if you love hating people openly as much as I do.
The last desirable quality of Islam I wish to tout here is this: No other religion, in the year 2015, can silence criticism of itself and its wrong doings as well as Islam does. Islam keeps artists, writers, actors, politicians, leaders of other religions, and even news reporters afraid to speak out against it. Through acts of horrific violence and threats of such violence against those who call into question just how miserable and completely fucked up Islam is, Islam continues to exist as the misogynistic, backward, fucked up, piece of shit “Faith” it is without the criticism it deserves. And once I kill all the infidels out there who question it, as Allah says I must, everyone in the world will be just like me. Doesn’t that just make you feel all bubbly and warm inside?
Rainbow Bridge, Asgard. “You see,” Jihadist Abba Dabba PooPoo said to police this morning, “I forgot to take my glasses when I went to carry out the will of Allah by blowing up the Cute ‘N Silly Cat Toy Company in Columbus last night. They were making a cat toy that, if you looked at it upside down, in the moonlight, on the 12th of September, in the rain, at 3:43 AM, sorta, kinda resembled one of Mohammad’s shoes.
Abba Dabba PooPoo Sporting The Glasses He Forgot To Bring On His Jihad
Thus, the company, and everyone in it, had to be blown up for turning a piece of the Prophet’s wardrobe into a cat toy. However, though I remembered the C4, I forgot my glasses when I left my apartment to carry out my task. And, as a consequence, mistook the Allah Saves, Inc. Mosque, which was across the street from the cat toy company, as the cat toy company. I blew up a mosque that was filled with dozens of praying Muslims by accident. On the bright side, however, according to what Allah has revealed to me through a dream, I still get 36 virgins when I reach Heaven for my jihad attempt. Apparently, ANY attempt at killing infidels is rewarded with virgins. You simply don’t get the full complement of 72 virgins unless you actually kill the people you were suppose to. Mistakes happen. Allah knows that. The Mosque was simply collateral damage. I can live with that. For 36 virgins in Paradise, who couldn’t?”
Je suis Charlie
Here’s a new game I created for TACP readers that has no intellectual merit to it at all and thus is quite proper for this blog. It’s called, “Who Said Dat?” and here’s how it works: I’ll write a phrase or saying, and below it list a few choices for who or what might have said it. Remember, some questions may have more than one proper answer. Make sense? OK then, here we go.
Jeff Foxworthy Asks: Who Said Dat?
- I ordered bagels! Not matzo ball soup, you damn smuck! Who Said Dat? A.) Yoda B.) Muhammad C.) Moses D.) Mary Poppins
I found an infidel behind a trash can praying the Rosary and I blew him up. Who Said Dat? A.) Jesus B.) Dr. Seuss C.) Batman D.) A Muslim Jihadist
I told them to do just the opposite, but many of my followers hate gay people. Who Said Dat? A.) Donny and Marie B.) Barrack Obama C.) Jesus D.) Thor
I want a fuckin’ Nobel Prize, and I’ll hound the Nobel Committee til they give me one! Who Said Dat? A.) Martin Luther B.) TACP C.) Mother Theresa D.) Michael Jackson
If caught raping little boys, simply say you’re sorry and you promise not to do it again if moved to an undisclosed parish where no one knows what you’ve done. Who Said Dat? A.) A Catholic Rapist Priest B.) Davey Jones of the Monkees C.) Ringo Starr D.) Hilary Clinton
Mind if I marry and fuck your 11-year-old daughter? Who Said Dat? A.) Muhammad B.) Mickey Mouse C.) Spanky from the Little Rascals D.) The Virgin Mary
I saw a Jew poisoning your well last night. Let’s find him and kill him. Who Said Dat? A.) A Medieval Christian B.) An 18th Century Christian C.) A 21st Century Christian D.) All of the above.
The Earth is only 6000 years old and Genesis is 100% accurate. Who Said Dat? A.) An idiot B.) A really BIG idiot C.) A guy who doesn’t get out much D.) Ken Ham
COOKIE!!!! Who Said Dat? A.) The Shadow B.) Jesus C.) Spiderman D.) The Cookie Monster
10.) Christian babies taste very good boiled. Who Said Dat? A.) An a-theist B.) Mighty Mouse C.) The Jew from question 7 who was poisoning the well. D.) Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter