Theocrat Town, Texas. Ted Cruz today released a statement in which he claims all WordPress users are gay. “Since WordPress allows individuals a platform to express opinions that do not support Jesus, and me, Ted Cruz, his anointed spokesmen on Earth, I must concur, using the powerful brain Jesus gave me, that all WordPress users are gay. I don’t like gay people and think they’re icky. To get back at me, they’ve created WordPress to express themselves in ways I, and Jesus, do not condone. I find this offensive and a horrible violation of my right, as a Christian, to cram my religion up the asses of every man, woman, and child in America. Once I’m President, I’ll put an end to WordPress, gays, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, poor people, disabled people, liberals and everyone else in America who refuses to kiss my rectum and follow my religion. God bless America, and God bless freedom!”
Neanderthal Town, Washington. In news today that’s sure to wet the palates of Christian bigots everywhere, Grace Church Seattle has announced that it has opened it’s very own bakery. The bakery specializes in making cakes with a dancing version of Katy Faust’s butt frosted onto them.
Grace Church Seattle opened this bakery to help counter the horrifying attacks bakers the world over face every day from crazed gay people insisting they make cakes for them adorned with statues and the names of same-sex couples. What better way to fight back against these cruel, mindless, barbaric, homosexuals than by ordering a Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake from the Grace Church Seattle bakery? The proceeds from the sales of these cakes will be sent to the families of terrorized bakers across the globe to help them heal from the trauma gays have inflicted on them over the years by ordering same-sex couple cakes. Each Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake costs $55.98, including postage and handling. Order right now and receive a free box of Jesus Hates Fags cupcakes absolutely free, while supplies last. So, buy a cake. It’s what Jesus wants you to do.
Faustshire, Washington. Grace Church Seattle, that gay-hating congregation of loving Christians lead by Ryan Faust and his beautifully bigoted wife, Katy, has released a brand new, Christian oriented board game called, Chase The Homos Around The Globe. Proceeds from sales of the game will be used to help the Fausts travel the world and spew their hatred for LGBT people everywhere. The game is designed to be played by five Christ-loving Christian bigots, and one unlucky homosexual. It comes with a game board designed to resemble a world map, five white Christian playing pieces that look like Republican Presidential Candidate, Ted Cruz, and one homosexual game piece that resembles the Christian playing pieces only it’s pink.
The game starts with the five Christian pieces in the center of the board, or “Heaven”. The homosexual player piece can be placed on any continent the gay player chooses to place it. The Christian players then roll a die, and move that many places toward the continent the homosexual player’s piece is on. Each place the Christian players land on the board has an anti-gay slogan or a Bible verse written on it. They’re to read the saying in a taunting way at the homosexual player each time they move their piece. The game is over once all five Christian players arrive on the continent with the homosexual player’s piece, or when all of the anti-gay slogans and Bible verses have been read. The homosexual player can then either chose to admit homosexuality is a sin and be baptized into Christ’s Church, or they can try their luck with the game again by moving their playing piece to another continent and shouting, “Do over!” Either way, the five Christian players win, and they always will. It’s what God wants.
The cost of the game is 24.95, and, like was said earlier, all proceeds from the sales of it go to help Katy Faust and her homophobic husband spread their particular brand of Christian hate and bigotry across the globe. Buy now, and receive a, Grace Church Seattle Hates Fags, T-Shirt absolutely free, while supplies last.