Ted Cruz Says, Ladies, Your Bodies Belong To Me

"Jesus Says, And I Do, No Matter What It Is," Claims Ted Cruz

“Women’s Bodies Belong To Me,” Claims Ted Cruz

Misogyny Palace, Mississippi.    This morning, after a strategic planning session at the Pentagon to carpet bomb the Middle East out of existence, Ted Cruz declared all female bodies are his to do with as he sees fit.  “By the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I declare that women are to have no say whatsoever in what they can and cannot do with their bodies,” Senator Cruz said.   “As any true follower of Jesus can tell you, women are dull-witted and often do silly things, like allowing men to accidentally impregnate them, for example.   The mistake most women make when this happens is to think they have a choice in what they can do with their own bodies.  Nothing is farther from the truth.  Jesus states repeatedly, not only in the Bible, but in the U.S. Constitution, that women’s bodies belong to Christian men, not to them.  I fail to see how anyone can be remotely confused about this.  Would Jesus say such a thing if it were not true?  Of course not.  Thus, women’s bodies are not theirs.  They’re actually mine, as I’m not only the brightest Christian around, but also the biggest, sexiest bull-stud of a man America’s ever seen.  As soon as I’m President, I’ll make arrangements for me or one of my male staff members to conduct a body search of each and every female in the U.S. to be certain they’re treating my property the way I want them to.  So, America, please vote for me in November, and make me your President.   It’s what Jesus wants you to do.”

16 thoughts on “Ted Cruz Says, Ladies, Your Bodies Belong To Me

  1. I actually shuddered reading this…even as a joke, the idea is…urgh


  2. I have a question, yes I am a pain in the ass… so I have been told. If women’s bodies belong to Christian men, then who gets the little boys bodies… the Christian priests or the Muslims who say it is their right and joy to show young boys big dicks, right before they …. well the priests say the same… I am so confused as to who gets to claim them. Can they be traded as females can, sold, re-bought, do they have auctions or are they just in a line up at the local boy Walmart like bicycles…..Oh and if I can own a women and a boy, does ethnic origins matter, what if I want a red haired ginger, or an Asian oriental ? SO do I have to settle for a darker skinned one, or can I mix and match… OH and can I have the boys dressed in the burkas that they put the females in so no one knows… and can I have my female carry my bags when we travel , like a servant? So many questions, and you are the wise one to ask. As for Cruz, did we not have import laws when they shipped him from Canada? Or at least a leash law…maybe a muzzle for a dangerous animal. Just asking. Hugs


  3. DIE! DIE! DIE! Senator Cruz! And if the FSM doesn’t do it for me, I’ll call on Jeebus to raise Pontius Pilate from the dead and carry out a christ-like crucifixion.


  4. “Men should think twice before making widowhood women’s only path to power.”

    ― Gloria Steinem


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