Check out this article from Southern Poverty Law Center on Cruz and Trump’s anti-Muslim advisors. These two fellows are more alike than they let on.
Tag Archives: Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz Says All WordPress Users Are Gay
Theocrat Town, Texas. Ted Cruz today released a statement in which he claims all WordPress users are gay. “Since WordPress allows individuals a platform to express opinions that do not support Jesus, and me, Ted Cruz, his anointed spokesmen on Earth, I must concur, using the powerful brain Jesus gave me, that all WordPress users are gay. I don’t like gay people and think they’re icky. To get back at me, they’ve created WordPress to express themselves in ways I, and Jesus, do not condone. I find this offensive and a horrible violation of my right, as a Christian, to cram my religion up the asses of every man, woman, and child in America. Once I’m President, I’ll put an end to WordPress, gays, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, poor people, disabled people, liberals and everyone else in America who refuses to kiss my rectum and follow my religion. God bless America, and God bless freedom!”
Make The Government Smaller: Privatize The Military
Tinybudget, Kansas. Does the idea of a smaller, less invasive government make your willy tingle? Do you like the idea of doing whatever the hell you want without the “Government” poking around with its “Army” telling you what you can and can not do? Well, then, we’ve got just the political website for you: makethemilitaryprivate.org. The founders of makethemilitaryprivate.org, a guy named Steve and two gals named Sally, think that there’s no better way to get the Government off your back and greatly reduce your taxes than to privatize the military. How will this work? Well, let’s say a theocratic lunatic like Ted Cruz wants to carpet bomb the Middle East. With a private military, he can. The only difference is, HE’LL have to put the army together and pay for it himself. All of it. Also, let’s say people in the Middle East get pissed when Cruz carpet bombs them and want revenge. They won’t need to attack random Americans to get it, they can simply attack Ted Cruz-the guy who personally paid to have them carpet bombed. So, if this sounds like a spiffy cause to you, go to makethemilitaryprivate.org to sign our petition and make a donation. Take the military out of the hands of “Big Brother” and put it into the hands of “Rich Brother”. Support makethemilitaryprivate.org. Ted Cruz will be glad you did.
Ted Cruz Says, Ladies, Your Bodies Belong To Me
Misogyny Palace, Mississippi. This morning, after a strategic planning session at the Pentagon to carpet bomb the Middle East out of existence, Ted Cruz declared all female bodies are his to do with as he sees fit. “By the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I declare that women are to have no say whatsoever in what they can and cannot do with their bodies,” Senator Cruz said. “As any true follower of Jesus can tell you, women are dull-witted and often do silly things, like allowing men to accidentally impregnate them, for example. The mistake most women make when this happens is to think they have a choice in what they can do with their own bodies. Nothing is farther from the truth. Jesus states repeatedly, not only in the Bible, but in the U.S. Constitution, that women’s bodies belong to Christian men, not to them. I fail to see how anyone can be remotely confused about this. Would Jesus say such a thing if it were not true? Of course not. Thus, women’s bodies are not theirs. They’re actually mine, as I’m not only the brightest Christian around, but also the biggest, sexiest bull-stud of a man America’s ever seen. As soon as I’m President, I’ll make arrangements for me or one of my male staff members to conduct a body search of each and every female in the U.S. to be certain they’re treating my property the way I want them to. So, America, please vote for me in November, and make me your President. It’s what Jesus wants you to do.”
By This Sign, Ted Cruz Says, He Will Conquer
Alberta, Canada. Canadian Citizen and Republican Presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, today said he had a powerful vision last night that ensured him he would not only become President of America in 2016, but Emperor of the world as well. “I was sitting in my 60 million dollar mansion, contemplating ways to efficiently kill poor people, gays, and liberals,” Mr. Cruz said, “when the GOP logo appeared and spoke to me. Here’s what it said.
Greetings, my Canadian, conservative, filthy rich friend. I’ve come to you to let you know, that because I’ve come to you, you now have the right to kill anyone who doesn’t think I actually came to you. Also, I’ve come to tell you, that because I’ve come to you, you will not only win the Presidency in 2016, you will conquer the world and become its first Emperor as well. To do this, you must use your vast riches to purchase a few hundred military drones, arm them with nuclear missiles, paint the GOP logo on them, and send them to annihilate the poorest countries of the world and all the gay neighborhoods in the U.S. Once you show the world and America what you’re all about, they’ll have no choice but to name you President and Emperor of the World. By this sign, my Canadian friend, you will conquer.
After that, the GOP logo vanished, and I started buying drones and nuclear missiles to conquer the world. Like it or not, I will be President and Emperor of the World in 2016. The GOP logo told me so.”