OAN City, California. President-elect Joe Biden today revealed he’d broken his foot while kicking current President Trump’s ass in the November 3rd election. “Man, it felt GREAT to kick that guy’s ass, but, god damn, he musta laid a huge, solid load in his poopy diaper when I did it cause I broke my god damn foot on it!” Soon to be ex-President Trump could not be reached for comment on this issue. It’s believed he’d pooped his diaper again when we asked to speak to him and was being cleaned and changed when we called.
Of the many wonderful things I’ve learned during the past four years of the Trump Administration, the fact that alternative facts exist and are true if they can’t be proven false is my most cherished. To honor this wonderful tidbit of information, I’ve compiled a list of ten alternative facts I’ve pulled from my arse that are obviously true because no one will ever be able to prove they’re not. As you read through them, remember this: just because a fact is alternate to what you perceive as reality does not, in any way, make it any less a fact or any less true. $Amen$
10.) Gravity is fake news. It isn’t real. The real reason we don’t fly off of the Earth is because Jesus is personally holding each of us onto it with His warm, loving hands.
9.) Dogs are really cats that bark.
8.) Democrats were put on Earth by Satan to torment Christians by eating their children in pizza parlor basements throughout the country.
7.) Barrack Obama is both a devout Muslim AND a rampant, angry atheist who hates people of all faiths.
6.) Fish don’t exist. We only think they do because the liberal media keeps telling us they do. Assholes!
5.) The Earth is neither flat or round. It is triangle shaped and is carried around the galaxy on the back of a big hairless dog named Poochie.
4.) Donald Trump easily won the 2020 Presidential election by 700 billion votes.
3.) Old MacDonald never owned a farm. He was a gay hairdresser who lived in Queens in the 1960’s.
2.) The itsy bitsy spider was actually 28 ft long and feasted on children all throughout England from 1687 until it was finally killed with a stick of dynamite by a Catholic nun named Bertha in the Spring of 1979.
1.) Humpty Dumpty was, indeed, put back together after his near fatal fall and became a shoe cobbler in Northern Ireland until the day he died in 1789. The remnants of his shell were then used to fertilize the garden were Jack planted the bean stalk that he climbed to rob a sky giant who never bothered a fucking person until Jack decided to rob him of his gold.
Moscow, Russia. Vladimir Putin today issued a statement expressing his severe displeasure in his minion, American President, Donald Trump, for losing the 2020 election. “I worked my ass off to help Trump win this election so I could continue to have him do my bidding as I work to rebuild the Soviet Union, and he has severely fucked up,” Putin stated. “I told him to at least make pretend to take Covid-19 seriously, and he refused to do so. Also, I demanded that he tell his followers to embrace mail-in voting so they could aggressively vote early, for almost a month, and he refused to listen to me. His failure to follow my simple orders has cost him this election and has severely slowed my quest to rapidly turn all of Europe into a new Soviet State. I will be demanding Donald come visit me so I can take him over my powerful Russian knee and spank his entitled, orange, spoiled-rotten ass until it beats red with pain. You are going to be punished, Donald, because you’ve made your Uncle Putin very, very angry! Now, get your fat ass over to Russia so I can spank it. Hard!”
We need more people like Bruce Springsteen in the world! Vote America! Vote!
Vote Early ‘N Often City, New York. Hello to my fellow Americans and fellow voters. I’m here to tell you that I’ve just ordered 56 thousand mail-in voting ballots for myself and will most certainly cast all of them for Joe Biden so I can help him win the same way I helped President Hillary Clinton win in 2016. It is SOOOO easy to vote as often as you want in America, that I encourage EVERYONE to do it. It’s easy to do, AND, it’s perfectly legal in most states–even my dog voted in 2016 for Hillary. How else could she have won, eh?
So, to all those Trump supporters out there who are worried that the Dems are gonna cheat, I say this: We are gonna cheat! And so should you! It really, really is easy as pie. Just request as many mail-in ballots as you can fill out in 3 or 4 weeks and vote away! Then, on Nov. 3rd, go to your local polling place as many times as you want and cast multiple ballots for Donald Trump. Christ, if it worked to get Hillary elected in 2016, surely it can easily work to get Donald elected this time. You simply MUST vote as often as possible, Trump voters, or the Dems are gonna beat your asses like they did in 2016. Oh, before I leave you to it, please remember to brag to everyone you know, and to the election officials at your voting place on election day, that you are voting multiple times. Everyone will thank you for it; tell you it’s legal, and gladly tell you what a great American you are. So vote away, Trump supporters! Princess Donald is counting on you! $Amen$