10 Alternative Facts

Just Cause They’re Alternative Doesn’t Make ‘Em Any Less True

Of the many wonderful things I’ve learned during the past four years of the Trump Administration, the fact that alternative facts exist and are true if they can’t be proven false is my most cherished.   To honor this wonderful tidbit of information, I’ve compiled a list of ten alternative facts I’ve pulled from my arse that are obviously true because no one will ever be able to prove they’re not.  As you read through them, remember this: just because a fact is alternate to what you perceive as reality does not, in any way, make it any less a fact or any less true.  $Amen$

10.)  Gravity is fake news.  It isn’t real.  The real reason we don’t fly off of the Earth is because Jesus is personally holding each of us onto it with His warm, loving hands.

9.)  Dogs are really cats that bark.

8.)  Democrats were put on Earth by Satan to torment Christians by eating their children in pizza parlor basements throughout the country.

7.)  Barrack Obama is both a devout Muslim AND a rampant, angry atheist who hates people of all faiths.

6.)  Fish don’t exist.  We only think they do because the liberal media keeps telling us they do.  Assholes!

5.)  The Earth is neither flat or round.  It is triangle shaped and is carried around the galaxy on the back of a big hairless dog named Poochie.

4.)  Donald Trump easily won the 2020 Presidential election by 700 billion votes.

3.)  Old MacDonald never owned a farm.  He was a gay hairdresser who lived in Queens in the 1960’s.

2.)  The itsy bitsy spider was actually 28 ft long and feasted on children all throughout England from 1687 until it was finally killed with a stick of dynamite by a Catholic nun named Bertha in the Spring of 1979.

1.)  Humpty Dumpty was, indeed, put back together after his near fatal fall and became a shoe cobbler in Northern Ireland until the day he died in 1789.  The remnants of his shell were then used to fertilize the garden were Jack planted the bean stalk that he climbed to rob a sky giant who never bothered a fucking person until Jack decided to rob him of his gold.

 

Putin To Give Trump Spanking Over Election Loss

“You’ve been a BAD boy, Donald Trump,” says Vladimir Putin

Moscow, Russia.  Vladimir Putin today issued a statement expressing his severe displeasure in his minion, American President, Donald Trump, for losing the 2020 election.   “I worked my ass off to help Trump win this election so I could continue to have him do my bidding as I work to rebuild the Soviet Union, and he has severely fucked up,” Putin stated.  “I told him to at least make pretend to take Covid-19 seriously, and he refused to do so.  Also, I demanded that he tell his followers to embrace mail-in voting so they could aggressively vote early, for almost a month, and he refused to listen to me.  His failure to follow my simple orders has cost him this election and has severely slowed my quest to rapidly turn all of Europe into a new Soviet State.  I will be demanding Donald come visit me so I can take him over my powerful Russian knee and spank his entitled, orange, spoiled-rotten ass until it beats red with pain.   You are going to be punished, Donald, because you’ve made your Uncle Putin very, very angry!  Now, get your fat ass over to Russia so I can spank it.  Hard!”

Corona Virus Turns Trump Into Chinese Man

In shocking news today, President Donald Trump has been transformed into a Chinese man after contacting covid-19. “I woke up and looked in the mirror,” Trump said earlier, “and much to my surprise, I found a Chinese man looking back at me! Obviously, this is a side effect of the ‘Chinese/Kung Fu’ virus I contacted from Joe Biden during our debate several nights ago.  Sleepy Joe is SOOOO afraid of my greatness that he intentionally infected himself with covid-19 right before our debate in order to infect me with it by shouting at me to ‘shut up, man,’ during the event.  In spite of this turn of events, I am still the same man I have always been and will not stop uttering crude, racially insensitive comments every chance I get.  So, please vote for me on Nov. 3rd and help me to make America great again because the current president has driven it deeply into the gutter these past 4 years!”

President Trump Officially Changes Title To Princess Trump

President Trump signed an executive order today officially changing his title from “President” to “Princess”. “Princess is what Vladimir Putin calls me when we are being intimate together in private,” Princess Trump said after signing the order,”and since I love it SO much when he does, as it makes me feel so dainty and feminine, I now insist that EVERYONE call me Princess, rather than President, Trump. In reality, I do behave much more like a spoiled princess than a manly president, so I see no one disagreeing with my decision to do this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go out and shop for a nice pink nightgown and red bunny slippers so I can wear them when I walk around the White House in the wee small hours of the morning.”

Hey, Trump Voters! It’s Super Easy To Vote Multiple Times So Do It

Vote Early ‘N Often City, New York.   Hello to my fellow Americans and fellow voters.  I’m here to tell you that I’ve just ordered 56 thousand mail-in voting ballots for myself and will most certainly cast all of them for Joe Biden so I can help him win the same way I helped President Hillary Clinton win in 2016.  It is SOOOO easy to vote as often as you want in America, that I encourage EVERYONE to do it. It’s easy to do, AND, it’s perfectly legal in most states–even my dog voted in 2016 for Hillary.  How else could she have won, eh?

My Dog After He Voted For President Hillary Clinton The 56th Time In 2016

So, to all those Trump supporters out there who are worried that the Dems are gonna cheat, I say this: We are gonna cheat!  And so should you!  It really, really is easy as pie.  Just request as many mail-in ballots as you can fill out in 3 or 4 weeks and vote away!  Then, on Nov. 3rd, go to your local polling place as many times as you want and cast multiple ballots for Donald Trump.  Christ, if it worked to get Hillary elected in 2016, surely it can easily work to get Donald elected this time.  You simply MUST vote as often as possible, Trump voters, or the Dems are gonna beat your asses like they did in 2016.   Oh, before I leave you to it, please remember to brag to everyone you know, and to the election officials at your voting place on election day, that you are voting multiple times.  Everyone will thank you for it; tell you it’s legal, and gladly tell you what a great American you are.  So vote away, Trump supporters!  Princess Donald is counting on you!  $Amen$

WATCH THIS! Trump Supporters Show Their True Selves

Watch this clip from Stephen Colbert’s “The Late Show”:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qyx5j6i98kw.  It’s funny, sad and frightening at the same time.  THESE are Trump supporters exposed.   To quote Puck from Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”   These people redefine the words, “fucking idiots.”

Update:  Here is a second part to this video from Colbert’s show last night: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-7W5BCIFdg   We are FUCKED America!  FUCKED!!