Two Liberals Attacked By Pile Of MAGA Hats At Target

MAGA Hats Have Become Sentient And Violent

Trump City, Russia.   In a stunning development, a pile of MAGA hats yesterday attacked, and severely bruised, two liberals who were shopping at a local Target store.    “It was awful,” said Bethany Bigbody, one of the liberals attacked.  “My friend, Billy Tightcheeks, and I were at Target taking advantage of the Black Friday sales and talking about how much we missed Obama when an entire pile of MAGA hats leaped at us from a hat rack and shouted, ‘DOWN WITH LIBERAL SCUM!’  We were then covered in a sea of MAGA hats that repeatedly smashed their brims against our faces.   It was utterly terrifying, and if not for the quick work of a store clerk who grabbed a huge trash bag and tossed the raging hats into it, I’m certain we would have been beaten unconscious or worse.  Needless to say, my friend and I will be damned careful what we say from now on when stacks of MAGA hats are nearby.”

Bethany Bigbody With The Black Eye She Received From A Violent Group Of MAGA Hats

When The Armchair Pontificator contacted the Chinese manufacturer of MAGA hats, We Make ‘Em, You Buy ‘Em, for a comment on the violent, and sentient, nature of their hats, we were told to speak with Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who, when we did contact him, promptly threatened to sic a gross of MAGA hats on us if we didn’t stop asking questions.   Therefor, we can only suggest, that if you are a liberal, be very careful what it is you say when passing by MAGA hats in stores.  You may very well be beaten up if you aren’t.

My 2020 Platform For The Senate

As some of my readers may know, I’m running for the Senate in 2020 on the following platform: We need to rid America of the pestilence that is poverty by building gas chambers and crematoriums throughout our great country to “get rid” of the poor, the elderly and the disabled–ain’t nuttin worse than a poor AND disabled person, BTW–by gassing and cremating the lazy bastards, ASAP.

I’m SICK and tired of the poor! SICK OF THEM!!!!  It is SO obvious that the poor are poor by choice due to their laziness. This is simply NOT arguable.  Anyone arguing otherwise is a leftist, liberal, SJW piece of crap unable to have calm, rational, non-name-calling discussions.  Period.  We also need to make America a Christian theocracy and put an end to the craziness that is gay marriage and gay “people” in general.  Being gay, like being poor, is a conscious CHOICE done by lazy people who refuse to do the work necessary to be true, God-loving, decent, non-poor, non-disabled, tax-paying, Jesus- worshiping, heterosexual human beings. Again, these are facts and are inerrant in their truth. To deny this is to admit ones own laziness and to brand oneself as a liberal, leftist, snowflake, whining, Hillary-loving, anti-American hack.

To conclude, America will never be free for decent, non-poor, non-gay, Christian humans until enough gas chambers and crematoriums are built to “eliminate” the blight of lazy bastards like the poor and the “gay” from the face of the earth. This can best be done under the all-loving embrace of a Christian theocratic government where the love of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is placed above the hideous laziness of the poor, the gay, the disabled and the gay, disabled poor.

A Vote For Me Is A Vote For Christ

MAFA.  Make America Free Again in 2020.  Vote for me, and help me gas and cremate the poor, the gay, the non-Christian, the disabled and, most importantly, the poor, gay, non-Christian disabled folks who tarnish America’s greatness with their lazy stench and sickening lifestyle.
Yours in Christ’s love, The Arm Chair Pontificator.

P.S. I forgot to mention, we also need to gas and cremate anyone seeking or talking about getting or performing an abortion. These LAZY people, if you can truly even call them “people”, clearly do not deserve the love of Christ or to be anywhere near true, decent, Jesus-loving Americans. Have a lovely day, and remember: Vote for The Arm Chair Pontificator in 2020 so we can begin to bring my dream of a pure, non-lazy America to fruition by wiping out those less worthy, and far more lazy, than we, ourselves, are.  $Amen$