Ted Cruz Says, Ladies, Your Bodies Belong To Me

"Jesus Says, And I Do, No Matter What It Is," Claims Ted Cruz

“Women’s Bodies Belong To Me,” Claims Ted Cruz

Misogyny Palace, Mississippi.    This morning, after a strategic planning session at the Pentagon to carpet bomb the Middle East out of existence, Ted Cruz declared all female bodies are his to do with as he sees fit.  “By the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I declare that women are to have no say whatsoever in what they can and cannot do with their bodies,” Senator Cruz said.   “As any true follower of Jesus can tell you, women are dull-witted and often do silly things, like allowing men to accidentally impregnate them, for example.   The mistake most women make when this happens is to think they have a choice in what they can do with their own bodies.  Nothing is farther from the truth.  Jesus states repeatedly, not only in the Bible, but in the U.S. Constitution, that women’s bodies belong to Christian men, not to them.  I fail to see how anyone can be remotely confused about this.  Would Jesus say such a thing if it were not true?  Of course not.  Thus, women’s bodies are not theirs.  They’re actually mine, as I’m not only the brightest Christian around, but also the biggest, sexiest bull-stud of a man America’s ever seen.  As soon as I’m President, I’ll make arrangements for me or one of my male staff members to conduct a body search of each and every female in the U.S. to be certain they’re treating my property the way I want them to.  So, America, please vote for me in November, and make me your President.   It’s what Jesus wants you to do.”