Conspiracy Expert Claims Those Claiming There’s A Jewish Conspiracy Are Themselves The Conspiracy

Tevye Says, "Up Yours!" To Conspiracy Theorists

Tevye Says, “Up Yours!” To Conspiracy Theorists

Bullshit City, Wisconsin.  In news sure to agitate anti-Semites and Tea Party members alike, Conspiracy expert, John Fulovcrap, said today that, after hundreds of hours of internet research, he has conclude there is no such thing as a “Jewish Conspiracy” running the Governments of the world.  “That would imply all Jews know each other somehow, just cause they’re Jewish,” Mr. Fulovcrap said.  “Maybe it’s just me, but I see no way that could be even remotely possible.  Therefor, knowing full well that there certainly is a conspiracy of some kind going on, I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t the Jews who are the conspiracy.  It’s the idiots saying the Jews are the conspiracy who are themselves the conspiracy.

You Fuckin' Conspiracy Theorists ARE The Fuckin' Conspiracy!

You Fuckin’ Conspiracy Theorists ARE The Fuckin’ Conspiracy!

Conspiracy advocates, like religious fanatics, are experts in the fine art of chosen ignorance. This, when coupled with narcissism and idiocy, creates an intellectual annoyance akin to the sound of hundreds of nails being scraped over hundreds of chalk boards hundreds of times, over and over again.  Conspiracy advocates, and here I mean to be deliberately insulting, are incapable of logic. They insist they have a divine insight, granting them the power of infallibility, when it comes to the conspiracy theory they espouse. ‘If I can think of it, it’s likely that it’s true. Those not seeing this are ignorant and blind.’   These statements form the very foundation of the ‘Conspiracy Faith’.  For that, indeed, is what these conspiracies have become: Religions. Religions built on Faith that the conspiracy is more real than reality.  To make fantastic claims, hell, to make any claim, without having solid tangible, evidence to back it up is akin to claiming a man died and came back to life, and we MUST accept this on faith alone; follow those who tell it to us blindly, and never question it because doing so is bad. Screw that. And screw conspiracy theorists. THEY are the conspiracy. Their conspiracy is to confound people, to keep them ignorant of the power a real education brings.

Please Don't Take Away My Conspiracies!

Please Don’t Take Away My Conspiracies!

The fear of the conspiracy theorist is he’ll be called out on the fact he’s really full of shit.  He fears to lose the power he has by being an expert on the bullshit he vomits out. His arrogance and self-righteous air of importance are built on fantasy and lies which will collapse like egg shells under him if more people but took the time to smell the shit oozing from his twisted pores.  The conspiracy starts and ends with the conspiracy theorist.  Take away his power, and you take away the conspiracy.  And that, my dear friends, is the divinely stated truth on that!”

Christians Outraged As Jesus Announces, “I’m Jewish, Dammit!”

Christians the world over were outraged and shocked today when Jesus, The Anointed One, appeared in a deli in Tel Aviv, Israel and said, “I’m Jewish, dammit! I’ve been Jewish my whole existence. My father, mother, brothers and sisters are all, also, Jewish! My wife, Mary, is, you guessed it, Jewish! I go to Temple on the Sabbath to pray. I wear a yamaka AND a prayer shawl, all the time practically. I want these so-called Christians out there, especially the damned anti-Semitic ones, to pay very close attention to this: there is NO Christianity, dammit! I’m a Jew. A proud, happy Jew! I came here to save Jews, not to start a bloody separate religion. Dammit!

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli This Morning

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli Earlier Today

This buffoon Christians follow, Paul of Damascus, who claimed he had a vision of me, was on mushrooms the day he had it, if he had it at all. When will people learn, you can not believe everything you hear. The more ridiculous something sounds, the more likely it is just that: ridiculous! Dammit!  So please, to any putz out there who claims to know me or is doing hateful nonsense in my name, STOP IT, dammit! Now, I’m leaving. My 43rd son’s Bar Mitzvah is tomorrow and I need to get him a gift. Dammit!”