Bombsville, Alabama. The United States sent several drones this morning to bomb various cities throughout Great Britain as a way to celebrate the Fourth of July. “Hell, it was only 239 years ago that the Declaration of Independence was signed signifying our freedom from the tyranny that was, and still is, Great Britain,” said Texas Republican Senator, Jerry “Big Package” McGroin this morning. “We here in America have long memories, and we’ve not forgotten the horrors we suffered under British rule two and a half centuries ago. We’ve not forgotten, and, by God, we’ve not forgiven either! So instead of a nationally televised fireworks display to celebrate the Fourth of July this year, we’ve decided to blow half of Great Britain to hell with our bad-ass, unmanned, military drones. Sorry, you Limey bastards, but you’ll be eating your fish and chips from the smoldering wreckage that was your country tonight. Maybe after this you’ll think twice about tyrannically repressing and over taxing your colonies, eh? Happy Independence Day America! And God bless each and every one of you who live in this great land of the free and home of the brave.”
While in town to promote his new cologne, “Scent of An Iron Lung,” Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, took a few minutes to answer questions for “Tribune” political reporter, Sally Getmeoff. A transcript of the interview is presented below.
Sally: Thank you for letting me interview you, Lord Vader.
Vader: Your thanks are not required. But your loyalty to the Dark Side of the Force is.
Sally: That is actually a good lead in for my first question. Many Conservative Christians see the legalization of gay marriage as a dark, almost evil occurrence. What are your thoughts on gay marriage?
Vader: Gay marriage is insignificant compared to the POWER of the FORCE! To the Sith, POWER is all that matters. We do not attempt to hide that fact behind a smoke screen of self-righteous intent as your “Christians” do. They foolishly believe their faith makes them powerful when, in fact, it shows them for the weak, imbecilic fools they truly are.
Sally: Fascinating. For my next question, I’d like you to give us your thoughts on Obama Care. Do you agree with many conservatives that it boarders on socialism or even fascism by the Obama administration?
Vader: When it comes to dictatorial forms of government, conservatives are but the learners, and I AM THEIR MASTER! They will all kneel before me when I proclaim myself Emperor and Master of their pathetic world. THIS is the way of the Sith. As is providing decent medical coverage to everyone in said Empire. For what good is an Empire that doesn’t provide decent medical coverage for all its subjects, rich and poor?
Sally: Good question, Lord Vader. Good question, indeed. Now for my last question. What is your opinion on the use of armed drones in the fight against terrorism in the Middle East?
Vader: To kill that coldly, with an unmanned aircraft piloted safely from thousands of miles away, is truly the path to the Dark Side of the Force. I can FEEL the ANGER these drones create in their victims. It gives them FOCUS. It makes them POWERFUL. It fuels their desire for REVENGE! It makes an end to senseless killing a complete impossibility. And for that I say, thank you America. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to meet my son, Luke, for dinner, and I need to polish my helmet before I do. A pristine image is always a must for the Sith.
Sally: Thank you again, Lord Vader, and good luck in your ongoing war with the Jedi.
In a brazenly crude act which has greatly increased the tension between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and his American counterpart, Barrack Obama, Putin hacked into Obama’s Facebook account this morning and posted several sexually explicit nude pictures of NSA whistle-blower, Edward Snowden on it.
“This is retaliation on Putin’s part for me freezing him out of his Netflix account Monday,” a clearly offended President Obama said earlier. “I warned him I was going to kill his Netflix account if Russia used its military in the Ukraine over this Crimea bullshit, and he used it any way. I know exactly what he’s up to too, the Commie bastard. He’s sucked Crimea up into Russia as if it were merely a tiny piece of some Soviet Union puzzle he’s trying to reconstruct. I knew he’d be pissed about losing Netflix, but I never thought he was so twisted as to do something like this. Hacking into my Facebook account and posting pictures of Edward Snowden nude, in explicit sexual situations with light posts, mail boxes, owls, and lawn mowers is just not something the President of the United States will tolerate or easily forgive. My wife and my daughters saw that sick filth!
President Putin needs to be aware of one thing right now: He really fucked himself by doing this. I don’t know how in the name of God he got Snowden to do what he was doing so gleefully in those pictures, but I’m personally going to make him pay dearly for posting them on my Facebook page for my family, and the nation, to see.
Beginning tonight, and continuing every night for six months, my personalized, stealth drone, ‘Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber,’ will be making a trip to drop hundreds of pounds of raw sewage onto the front lawn of whatever abode Putin happens to be staying in that night. If he stays in a hotel, the sewage will be dropped there. Also, if he decides to leave Russia and visit, say, Buckingham Palace and spends the night there, the sewage will be dropped on Buckingham Palace’s front lawn. There will be no escape for him from this. Hopefully he’ll learn from this and not do anything like this to me ever again. It was really, really mean.”