Christians Outraged As Jesus Announces, “I’m Jewish, Dammit!”

Christians the world over were outraged and shocked today when Jesus, The Anointed One, appeared in a deli in Tel Aviv, Israel and said, “I’m Jewish, dammit! I’ve been Jewish my whole existence. My father, mother, brothers and sisters are all, also, Jewish! My wife, Mary, is, you guessed it, Jewish! I go to Temple on the Sabbath to pray. I wear a yamaka AND a prayer shawl, all the time practically. I want these so-called Christians out there, especially the damned anti-Semitic ones, to pay very close attention to this: there is NO Christianity, dammit! I’m a Jew. A proud, happy Jew! I came here to save Jews, not to start a bloody separate religion. Dammit!

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli This Morning

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli Earlier Today

This buffoon Christians follow, Paul of Damascus, who claimed he had a vision of me, was on mushrooms the day he had it, if he had it at all. When will people learn, you can not believe everything you hear. The more ridiculous something sounds, the more likely it is just that: ridiculous! Dammit!  So please, to any putz out there who claims to know me or is doing hateful nonsense in my name, STOP IT, dammit! Now, I’m leaving. My 43rd son’s Bar Mitzvah is tomorrow and I need to get him a gift. Dammit!”

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18 thoughts on “Christians Outraged As Jesus Announces, “I’m Jewish, Dammit!”

  1. My good mate, this is so true and is a fact ignored by many believers.
    If there was ever a christian, he died on the cross, we only have Paulines.

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  2. Every time I’ve seen him he appears to be a kind of ashen colour with red bits on his hands, feet and eyebrows.

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  3. So the pope is the head of a Jewish sect?

    What was Mohamed’s faith before his conversion to Islam? Was he a Jew?

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  4. According to jewish tradition one is a jew if one’s mother is a jew. Well, the nt is quite clear Jesus mother was jewish, so the conclusion is clear.

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  5. “Paul of Damascus, who claimed he had a vision of me, was on mushrooms the day”

    LOL — true that. Magic mushrooms.

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  6. Ah, so Christ was not a Christian? Next thing you’re telling me he wasn’t white either!

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  7. A simple truism missed by every Christian.

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