1.) Dear Fungus Face: You suck. Why do you suck? Well, let me tell you. You suck because you are not a Christian and you are a stupid dummy. That is why you suck. Oh, and you also suck because you think you are funny but you are just a person who hates Jesus and loves gays. See? You suck. Sincerely, Elizabeth Cleavage, Baton Rouge, Louisianan
Ms. Cleavage: Thanks for clarifying for me that I suck. You sound like a bright, cheerful person who has plenty of love to share with the world. I’m certain Jesus has a special place for you in his heart. I hope that, if you have children, you are teaching them not to suck because, take it from me, you wouldn’t want anyone writing them letters telling them they suck. It can be quite an unpleasant experience. Love, TACP
2.) My dearest ACP, for me, you are the very definition of a man. You are smart beyond human comprehension and your love-making skills are unparalleled. When I think of you my heart flutters, my knees weaken, and my loins become moist. You are, to me, a god made flesh. Thank you for allowing me to worship and please you with my mind, body, and soul. Love always, Angelina Jolie, Los Angeles, California
Angelina, thanks for writing. How are Brad and the kids? Hope you haven’t mentioned our little weekend liaisons to them. Brad has SUCH a temper! I wouldn’t want to have to kick his ass, again. Anyway, see you soon. Love, TACP P.S. I forgot to tell you this, but last time you spent the night, I think I may have I accidentally used your toothbrush. Sorry bout that kiddo.
3.) Dear asshole!!! Where’s the 50 bucks you owe me from our pool game last Saturday? Pay up or spend eternity in Hell. Love always, Jesus, Heaven
Jesus, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot. I promise I’ll pay you next week. Please forgive me. Amen, TACP
That’s all for now folks!