Nazi City, America. In rather unsurprising news today, Donald Trump announced he launched several nuclear missiles at what he calls, The fuckin’ shit-heals in the Middle East. “I used my great wealth and the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution to build up a vast nuclear arsenal over the past few years,” Führer Trump said earlier today. “Last night I launched 45 nuclear missiles at the Middle East, and this morning, I got word that Turkey, Syria, Iraq, and Iran have been turned into radioactive wastelands. The only unfortunate bit of news I have to report is that the missiles intended to hit Yemen hit Greece instead. Oh, well, I’m sure my fellow Americans will be able to live with a little bit of collateral damage knowing I wiped out pretty much all of our troubles in a single night. Besides that, I never really cared much for Greek food. Tonight I’ll send more nukes to finish off what’s left of the Middle East. I’m certain that by doing this my chances of becoming President have greatly increased. God bless America, and God bless freedom!”
Shitland, Ohio. Hello to all my fans! This is Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo, formerly know as Pope Benedict XVI. I’ve noticed many of you have shown an interest in me and my decision to convert to Islam so that I could wed the love of my life, a 12-year-old girl-child whose name embarrassingly alludes me at the moment.
Well, you’ll be happy to know that not only do I now belong to a true monotheistic religion, there is NO god but Allah, I’m happily married to not one but 5 brides all under the age of 13! I can’t tell you what country I’m in, for fear the parents of my brides might track me down and do horrible things to me, but I can tell you I’m quite sexually satiated and at peace with God (and the laws of the country where I live). It is a true blessing not to have to explain that Christian nonsense about 3 being 1 anymore. No one is that stupid, and Christians embarrass themselves every time the topic comes up.
I get up each morning and have 5 very young brides hopping about doing whatever I demand of them. And I truly believe that, though they may feel they MUST do as I demand because of the large bull whip I use on them when they don’t, they do the things I demand out of a deep love and respect they have for me, Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo. Life is good, my friends. The key to being happy, I’ve found, is living in a country where your particular sexual fetish isn’t just accepted, it’s considered the will of God that you act upon it. I’ll check back soon. Bye til then, Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo
Unbelievableville, New Jersey. News out of the Middle East today is that former Pope, Benedict, has converted to Islam in order to wed a 12-year-old girl he first saw while on vacation in Orlando this past winter. “I saw her coming off the ‘It’s A Small World’ ride at Disney World and knew I had to have her,” said Benedict, who now calls himself Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo. “My mind immediately began to race toward ways I could possess a young girl both legally and morally, and I decided the best way would be to convert to Islam, kidnap the child, take her to a country run by fanatical Muslim idealists, and marry the bitch there. That’s exactly what I did, too. And there ain’t a fuckin’ thing anyone can do or say about it because my faith allows my disgusting behavior. And, since the world gives religion a blind deference, you can just piss off if you don’t like it.” It is not known which Muslim country Sheikh BaBa BooBoo is living in, but President Obama released a statement today claiming his hands were tied in this matter due to it being a religious issue and imaginary, invisible beings were involved that could send him to Hell if he angered them by interfering.
“I’m as shocked as everyone else about this news,” President Obama said today, “but the U.S. simply can not afford to put another bullet in another gun anywhere at any time in the foreseeable future. Our military is, quite simply put, utterly and completely broke. Thus I’ve been forced to recall all military personnel from every place on the planet until we can collect enough money to send ’em all back, armed and eager to kill for their country on command. Until then, America will have to focus on its own borders (with rocks and sticks if need be) and pray the Canadians and/or Mexicans do not take this opportunity to launch an invasion. I apologize to those Americans who’ve enjoyed expanding our interests overseas through the use of bombs, tanks, and drones, but we simply no longer have the money to pay for such things. On the bright side, however, Congress assures me, that, if every American cuts back on things like medicine, food, clothing, and their children’s educations, and donates the money instead to the military budget, we’ll be back to bombing and killing in the Middle East in almost no time at all. Remember, America, it’s the countries that pray together, and save together, that can best afford to bomb and kill together.”
While in town to promote his new cologne, “Scent of An Iron Lung,” Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, took a few minutes to answer questions for “Tribune” political reporter, Sally Getmeoff. A transcript of the interview is presented below.
Sally: Thank you for letting me interview you, Lord Vader.
Vader: Your thanks are not required. But your loyalty to the Dark Side of the Force is.
Sally: That is actually a good lead in for my first question. Many Conservative Christians see the legalization of gay marriage as a dark, almost evil occurrence. What are your thoughts on gay marriage?
Vader: Gay marriage is insignificant compared to the POWER of the FORCE! To the Sith, POWER is all that matters. We do not attempt to hide that fact behind a smoke screen of self-righteous intent as your “Christians” do. They foolishly believe their faith makes them powerful when, in fact, it shows them for the weak, imbecilic fools they truly are.
Sally: Fascinating. For my next question, I’d like you to give us your thoughts on Obama Care. Do you agree with many conservatives that it boarders on socialism or even fascism by the Obama administration?
Vader: When it comes to dictatorial forms of government, conservatives are but the learners, and I AM THEIR MASTER! They will all kneel before me when I proclaim myself Emperor and Master of their pathetic world. THIS is the way of the Sith. As is providing decent medical coverage to everyone in said Empire. For what good is an Empire that doesn’t provide decent medical coverage for all its subjects, rich and poor?
Sally: Good question, Lord Vader. Good question, indeed. Now for my last question. What is your opinion on the use of armed drones in the fight against terrorism in the Middle East?
Vader: To kill that coldly, with an unmanned aircraft piloted safely from thousands of miles away, is truly the path to the Dark Side of the Force. I can FEEL the ANGER these drones create in their victims. It gives them FOCUS. It makes them POWERFUL. It fuels their desire for REVENGE! It makes an end to senseless killing a complete impossibility. And for that I say, thank you America. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to meet my son, Luke, for dinner, and I need to polish my helmet before I do. A pristine image is always a must for the Sith.
Sally: Thank you again, Lord Vader, and good luck in your ongoing war with the Jedi.