Batman, aka, The Dark Knight, was denied membership to the Avengers this evening ending a week-long trial with the group. “We hated to say no,” said Captain America, “but the guy just isn’t playing with a full deck. First off, he has ZERO super powers. Hell, even Hawkeye has a super sense when it comes to placing arrows in people’s eye sockets, but Batman, nothing. So that alone makes him a liability should we be fighting, say, Thanos and his intergalactic hordes. Secondly, the dude has MAJOR anger management problems. The Hulk, The Hulk, mind you, accidentally bumps into him in the chow-line the other day, and the dude friggin’ goes off on him like an a-bomb. Bats was cursing, punching, and kicking with such ferocity that had it been just an average guy and not The Hulk he was hitting, he would have really hurt him. The Hulk, however, just said something to the effect of, ‘Puny leotard man bother Hulk,’ then flicked his finger and Batman wound up 50 yards away and unconscious for an hour. Not good thinking there, Bats. So, for his own good, and the stability of our team, Batman will not be joining the Avengers. Robin will be here for a trial next week. Doubt he’ll impress us with any super powers, but odds are he’ll be sane at least.”
This is the first in a series of highly intelligent posts where I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, ask various Marvel and DC comic book superheroes one simple question: What Would Hulk Do? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, how fucking original. Mr. self-declared Nobel Prize winner thinks he’s clever by doing a silly ass take on the old, what would Jesus do bit. What a dork!” To those readers who are thinking this, all I can say is, you’re absolutely right!! So sit back and enjoy the completely useless shit my brain comes up with when I stay up too late watching naked stuff on the internet.
I asked the following question to 3 famous superheroes: The climate grows warmer each year because of human activity, and yet conservative groups, such as the Tea Party, refuse to accept this and do nothing to help the situation. What would Hulk do? Below are the names of each hero I asked and their individual responses.
Robin, The Boy Wonder: Why are you asking me this? Why? Do I look smart or cool to you? I’m 15 years old, and I’m wearing a red and yellow bathing suit with white tights. I follow around a 45-year-old psychopath who’s taken it upon himself to beat the snot out of “bad guys.” How fucking stable does any of that sound to you? What Would Hulk Do? How the fuck would I know! I don’t know him. If you do, then ask HIM, you fuckin’ shit heal.
Superman: What Would Hulk Do? Screw Hulk! How about, What would Superman do?! Well, I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna become a Conservative Christian’s worse nightmare and declare himself God. That’s what he’s gonna do. And I will fry any bastard who refuses to accept this with my heat vision. Global warming be damned! It will be an after thought once the world has me as its one and only God. Screw the Hulk. The damn pansy!
Fini, for now.
Mighty Thor today announced that he will be filing a personal harassment suit against The Incredible Hulk sometime next week. “That green bastard has been prank calling me and sending me anonymous derogatory letters for months now,” the God of Thunder said. “In the last month alone I’ve received 20 crayon scribbled letters with multiple spelling and grammatical errors in them questioning my sexual orientation and my penis size. In addition to this, almost nightly, I receive 3 or 4 prank phone calls from someone with a growling deep voice calling me a girly boy and a sissy. It’s Hulk. He knows it and I know it. I’m a god, damn it! I won’t put up with this kind of silliness. It isn’t funny! I’ve asked him to stop, and he won’t, so next week I’m filing suit to make him stop. We’ll see who’s laughing then my jade skin pal, won’t we?”
Nome, Alaska. A Christian apologist named Stanley Clueless today said he was very sorry for all the years he wasted being a chowder head. “I’d like to apologize to my wife, Cindy, my daughter, Bertha, and our pet turtle, Clyde, for wasting not only my time, but theirs in my attempts to make the blithering nonsense that is in the Christian Bible seem logical and true all these years,” a tear-filled Mr. Clueless said. “It dawned on me this morning that it would make more sense if I tried to rationally explain the true existence of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, and The Hulk, than to continue my attempts at rationalizing just how true and real the stories from the Bible are. So, that’s what I’m now going to do. I’ve decided to become the world’s first Superhero Apologist. Wish me luck. I’ve a lot of work ahead of me, but, at least I know, deep down inside, I’m no longer a chowder head. Amen.”
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