American Goldfish Wins Gold At Rio Olympics

Gold Medal Winner, Gerry Scales

Gold Medal Winner, Gerry Scales

Rio, Not An American City.    For the first time since Gold Fish Racing was introduced to the Summer Olympics in 1978, an American goldfish has won the gold.   “I’ve been practicing since I was no bigger than a guppy to be the fastest swimming goldfish in the world, and now, that dream has finally become reality for me,” said Gold Medal winner, Gerry “Wet” Scales.   “I’d like to thank my moms and pops for all their support over the years.  They taught me that with perseverance and a diet of fresh blood worms, anything is possible.  I’ve never been prouder to be a goldfish and an American.  This is just so AWESOME!  As soon as I get home, I’m taking my girlfriend to Disney Land to celebrate.”

 

Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winning Inventions

Here’s a list of some amazing gadgets I’ve invented for which I’ve awarded myself the Nobel Prize.

1.) Gasoline powered basketballs that play an entire game all by themselves with only a single fill up and no players.

Gasoline Powered Basket Balls Eliminate Need For Players

Gasoline Powered Basket Balls Eliminate Need For Players

2.) Chinchilla condoms: Designed to make her happy while keeping you warm.

Chinchilla Condoms Give Both Size & Warmth To Your Johnson

Chinchilla Condoms Give Both Size & Warmth To Your Johnson

3.) Rape-Free Catholic Priest Robots: They do all the work a regular priest does minus the pedophile rape.

Guaranteed NOT To Rape Even The Cutest Little Boys

Guaranteed NOT To Rape Even The Cutest Of Little Boys

4.) Salt-encrusted band aids for people whose boo-boos you don’t really want to see heal.

Warning: Use Only On Your Enemies

Warning: Use Only On Your Enemies, OUCH!!!

5.) Goldfish polish. A happy goldfish is one that glistens.

One Goldfish, Freshly Polished

One Goldfish, Freshly Polished

6.) Solar powered cats that require no food or water, ever. Just give them 8 to 9 hours of sun light every day, and they’ll last for decades.

Solar Powered Cat Acting Like Non-Solar Powered Cat

Solar Powered Cats Act Just Like Non-Solar Powered Cats & Require No Food Or Water

7.) King cobras that seek out and bite only KKK members.

KKK Killing Cobra

KKK Killing Cobras: They Just HATE Racist Bigots!

8.) Rat-hair socks. 20 rats go into the making of each pair.

Rat-Hair Socks

Put Rats To A Good Use: Wear Rat-Hair Socks

9.) Battery/AC powered panties for the woman who prefers to do everything herself.

Battery/AC Powered Panties

Keep Your Privy Parts Juicy With Battery/AC Powered Panties

Above items can be purchased for just 8.99 each at the ACP online shop. Thanks for reading, and thank you for not smoking while the ride was in motion.