Gerald Ford Rises From Grave Only To Trip And Fall Back In

Jedi Temple, Coruscant.  According to Jedi sources embedded within the Republican Party, an ancient Sith practice, last performed by Darth Nixon himself, was recently used to resurrect Lord Nixon’s Dark Side apprentice, Gerald Ford, from the grave in order to obliterate Obama Care and its creator, President Obi Wan “Barack” Obama himself.

Artist's Rendering Of Gerald Ford Falling Back Into His Grave

Artist Rendering Of Gerald Ford Falling Back Into His Grave

The plan failed, however, when Ford, true to his former form, tripped on the edge of his grave while climbing out and fell back in, crushing his decaying skull to fragments in the process. A cry of rage went up from the hundreds of Republicans who had gathered to witness this dark event. As they left, they swore that the power of the Dark Side would yet prevail, and all non-Christians, along with all those living below the poverty line, would, indeed, be destroyed.

An Interview With Darth Vader

While in town to promote his new cologne, “Scent of An Iron Lung,” Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, took a few minutes to answer questions for “Tribune” political reporter, Sally Getmeoff.  A transcript of the interview is presented below.

Tribune Political Reporter, Sally Getmeoff With Darth Vader

Tribune Political Reporter, Sally Getmeoff With Darth Vader

Sally: Thank you for letting me interview you, Lord Vader.

Vader: Your thanks are not required. But your loyalty to the Dark Side of the Force is.

Sally: That is actually a good lead in for my first question. Many Conservative Christians see the legalization of gay marriage as a dark, almost evil occurrence. What are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Vader: Gay marriage is insignificant compared to the POWER of the FORCE! To the Sith, POWER is all that matters. We do not attempt to hide that fact behind a smoke screen of self-righteous intent as your “Christians” do. They foolishly believe their faith makes them powerful when, in fact, it shows them for the weak, imbecilic fools they truly are.

Sally: Fascinating. For my next question, I’d like you to give us your thoughts on Obama Care. Do you agree with many conservatives that it boarders on socialism or even fascism by the Obama administration?

Vader: When it comes to dictatorial forms of government, conservatives are but the learners, and I AM THEIR MASTER! They will all kneel before me when I proclaim myself Emperor and Master of their pathetic world. THIS is the way of the Sith.  As is providing decent medical coverage to everyone in said Empire. For what good is an Empire that doesn’t provide decent medical coverage for all its subjects, rich and poor?

Sally: Good question, Lord Vader. Good question, indeed. Now for my last question. What is your opinion on the use of armed drones in the fight against terrorism in the Middle East?

Vader: To kill that coldly, with an unmanned aircraft piloted safely from thousands of miles away, is truly the path to the Dark Side of the Force. I can FEEL the ANGER these drones create in their victims. It gives them FOCUS. It makes them POWERFUL. It fuels their desire for REVENGE!  It makes an end to senseless killing a complete impossibility.  And for that I say, thank you America.   Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to meet my son, Luke, for dinner, and I need to polish my helmet before I do. A pristine image is always a must for the Sith.

Sally: Thank you again, Lord Vader, and good luck in your ongoing war with the Jedi.

An Interview With Emperor Palpatine, aka, Darth Sidious

I ran into Emperor Palpatine, of “Star Wars” fame, at Starbucks this morning. He agreed to come back to The Arm Chair Pontificator offices with me so I could interview him for the site. I present that interview here, in its entirety, to be read at your leisure.

Emperor Palpatine

Emperor Palpatine

Me: Emperor Palpatine, I am very honored that you are allowing me to interview you. I know you must be very busy with all the evil shit you have to do, so I’ll get to the tough questions right away.

Palpatine: Good. I can FEEL your anxiety to ask these questions. Anxiety can be turned to ANGER, and anger gives you FOCUS; it makes you POWERFUL; it makes you SITH!

Me: Well, I’m more of a shit than a Sith to be honest. Know what I mean, Palpy ‘ole boy?

Palpatine: No. I do not know what you mean. My statement was rhetorical. I did not mean to imply that YOU personally, were a Sith. You are too much the simpleton to be Sith. You said you would not waste time, boy. You’ve done so already. Now, what questions do you have for me, Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith!

A.K.A, Darth Sidious

A.K.A. Darth Sidious

Me: Well, to start with, doesn’t it get old being angry ALL the time? I mean, dude, you’re miserable! You bitch. You grouch. You threaten, and you kill. Gets old, man. Doesn’t it?

Palpatine: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M ALWAYS ANGRY! (Blue lighting flashes from Palpatine’s hands as he says this. It burns several pictures off the wall). Take that back, boy! You are nothing compared to the POWER OF THE DARK SIDE!

Blue Force Lightening

Blue Force Lightning

Me: You see, Palpy. This is what I mean. I asked you a friggin’ question, dude! Did you have to fuck up my wall with blue finger lightning? Those pictures were expensive. And they weren’t mine. They’re my girlfriends. What am I suppose to tell her? Sorry, babe. Darth Sidious got pissed off and burned up your pictures with some blue finger lightning? Do you honestly think she’ll buy that? You fucked me, pal. You fucked me good!

Palpatine: GOOD. I can FEEL your ANGER! Now, reach out with it, boy! Strike me down with it, and take Darth Vader’s place by my side. I’ve been very lonely since he tossed me down that the huge tube and abandoned me, all those years ago. So please, try to kill me so I can convert you. Please?

Tube That Sidious Was Tossed Down

Tube Vader Tossed Sidious Down

Me: I’m not much of a killer, Palpy. And you’re a Dark Lord of the Sith. You’ll fry me, man. Look. If you’re lonely, dude, it’s cause you’re lugging around all that rage. No one wants to deal with that shit. Just chill the fuck out. Besides, however it happened, you’re in America now. Ain’t no one making you Emperor here, or making you any other kind of political ruler either, unless you are a Christian. Tell people you’re a follower of the Force in this country, and they’ll lock you in a nut house. In America, you gotta believe in virgin births, resurrections, and giant arks that 2 of every kind of animal can live on in order to be taken seriously. It’s really crazy, man. So lighten up. I’ll hang with you, but I’m not becoming an evil Sith apprentice for you. Christ, imagine me with a light sabre? I’d cut my own leg off.

I'd Cut My Leg Off This

I’d Cut My Leg Off With This

Palpatine: You do bring up some very valid points, my young friend. You know, I’ve heard that J.J. Abrams is directing Star Wars Episode 7. I am very excited about that. Perhaps, you and I can go together to see it when it comes out? In the mean time, I’ll meditate on the paradoxical situation I’m in: I’m a Sith Lord with unfulfilled emotional needs caused by the very hate and anger which make me a Sith Lord. I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’ll see you again soon, my wise apprentice. I’ll see you again, soon.

Me: Yep. Take care now, Palpy. And please, don’t kill any one in the lobby on the way out.


Yoda Talks With Jesus

Yoda e-mailed me this transcript of a conversation he had with Jesus a few months ago and I thought I’d share it with my readers. Check it out.

Yoda: For coming to Dagobah to talk, I thank you, Jesus.

Jesus Talking To Yoda

Jesus Talking

Jesus: No trouble, Master Yoda. I’ve loved you since 1980 when “The Empire Strikes Back” came out. I really hope J.J. Abrams can get the “Star Wars” series back to the quality exhibited in “Empire.” I’ll be bummed if he messes it up.

Yoda: In him, much faith I have. As many do in you. The Messiah, you are, some people say. From the dead have you risen, they proclaim. In this, much doubt I have. Explain this to me, you must.

Jesus: Well, it kinda has a lot to do with my dad, Yahweh. He’s a REALLY stubborn old bastard, to put it mildly. I mean that dude can hold a grudge over the silliest shit. For example, Moses once told him he was going to stop by one Sunday to watch football with him, but he got busy and forgot. Well, I’m telling you, you’d have thought Moses had tried to kill him the way he reacted. Screaming, yelling, throwing giant boulders into the ground to make the Earth quake, what a scene. And even after Moses apologized like 50 times, my dad STILL refused to talk to him for almost two centuries. So, this guy holds grudges, BIG TIME.

Yoda: Calm he must learn to keep his mind. Anger, excitement, petty attachments, these things are paths to the dark side of the Force. Once you go down its path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Warned, your father must be of this.

Jesus: Oh, I’ve warned him many times. But, he’s God, and being God, he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants, however he wants to do it. And, in reality, he does. That’s why, when he got angry with Adam and Eve, two humans he was keeping as pets in his zoo on Earth a few thousand years ago, he chose to act the child and proclaim he’d make them and ALL of their descendents suffer for it until the end of time. Thus, to this day, humans are made to suffer in many horrible ways. And all because Adam and Eve ate some fucking apple or peach that THE Lord God told them not to eat. He damn well knew they’d eat that fruit if he told them not to eat it. That’s WHY he told them not to eat it. Just to tempt them and to be an asshole. Then, when they do eat it, he goes on a tirade and makes life miserable for them and for EVERY human born since.

The Act That Condemned A Species

The Act That Condemned A Species

Yoda: Ways such as these are not those of the Jedi. For the Jedi, only by letting go of anger and jealousy can the Force truly reveal the true beauty of all life. The dark side do I sense in your father, Jesus. The ways of the Sith I sense in him.

 The Dark side I Sense In Yahweh

The Sith I Sense In Yahweh

Jesus: I just sense the shitty ways of an old grouch when I think about him. He actually wanted me to let the Romans, 2000 years ago, whip me and crucify me as a way for humanity to be forgiven for the sin of Adam and Eve eating that damn fruit. Can you believe the nerve of that dude?

Yoda: This you did not do, I hope. Painful, meaningless, and needless does it sound. For one so powerful, Yahweh is yet so very weak. He would not a good Jedi make.

Jesus: Hell no, I didn’t do it! He wanted me to suffer horribly, die, and then come back to life three days later proclaiming I was the Messiah and the path to forgiveness and to life ever after in Heaven were to be found only through me. I told him to let the god damned Romans torture HIS ass and kill HIM if he wanted a patsy for some stupid “crime” Adam and Eve committed by eating a fucking piece of fruit. Of course, he didn’t do it. Who would? Only a masochistic idiot, I’d say.  The stories you hear about me being a Messiah and returning from the grave are just that, stories. Told mostly by St. Paul. A guy I don’t care for at all, but, of course, my dad just happens to love. See, Yahweh appeared to Paul, and told him what to say and write to start a religion based on me and the shit I wouldn’t actual do when he asked me to. So he had Paul lie, and say it happened any way. He made a whole religion, using my good name, that’s based on guilt, self-loathing, and the idea that humans are born stained because the first two ate a fucking piece of fruit Yahweh told them not to. Utterly ridiculous, sickening, and cruel. My Pop just isn’t very nice, is he?

Yoda: Nice he is not. Stopped he should be. The truth people should learn. Foolish to follow a god such as this, it is. A Sith Lord he is. Darth Logos his name now is. To call him another name, foolish it would be. The path of a Jedi for you, Jesus, awaits. Train you I can. The ways of the Force, teach you I must. For only then strong enough will you be to defeat your father, and his ways of evil forever end.

Darth Yahweh

Darth Logos

Jesus: I kinda like the sound of that, Master Yoda. Your pupil I will be. I do have one small request though.

Yoda: This I will do, if possible for me, it is.

Jesus: It’d make my millennium if you could ask J.J. Abrams, next time you talk to him, to give me a small cameo in “Star Wars Episode 7.” I don’t need a speaking part or anything. I just want to be in it, in a crowd shot, even.

Yoda: This will I do, my young Padawan. Now, time it is for you to begin your training. A great evil there is for you to overcome. A great evil.

Jesus: Let’s rock and roll, Master Yoda. Let’s rock and roll.

Darth Vader Moves Into Vatican After Removing Pope And All Clergy

The Dark Side Is Now In The Vatican

The Dark Side Is Now In The Vatican

Rome, Italy. Millions of Roman Catholics were stunned this morning when Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, appeared on Fox News to announce the Pope, and all other Catholic Clergy, had been removed from the Vatican by Imperial Storm Troopers so that he could move into it. “I have been contemplating retirement for some time now,” Lord Vader breathed heavily to Fox reporter Megyn Kelly, “and the Vatican seemed an impressive place for me to retire to, most impressive, indeed. I found the faith of its Clerical occupants, however, to be insignificant when compared to the POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE, so I had them removed to an Imperial penal colony on Bespin before moving in.

Pope And Clergy Exit Vatican For Bespin Penal Colony

Pope And Clergy Exit Vatican For Bespin Penal Colony

Their sniveling and postulating about their rights as Vatican citizens failed to impress upon me anything other than mild annoyance. To teach them the TRUE meaning of POWER, and to REVENGE my Sith- self upon them for causing me the above mentioned mild annoyance, I decided to question several of them with the assistance of an Imperial Mind Probe Torture Droid as they were packing their belongings for their move to Bespin. As I really had no questions to ask them, knowing nothing about them, I simply asked them to repeat, 1000 times each, that I, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, was THE MOST POWERFUL BEING any of them had ever met and all else paled in significance when compared to the POWER of THE DARK SIDE of the FORCE. After completing this task, they left for Bespin. And now that I’ve moved in to Vatican City, I ask that all former followers of the former Catholic leaders of the city pick another leader to follow, for if I am disturbed in my retirement, those disturbing me will experience the FULL POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE!”

Rudolph To Play A Sith Lord In Star Wars 7

J.J. Abrams announced today that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has been cast in the next “Star Wars” movie as a Sith Lord called, Darth Nose.

Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith

Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith

“It’s gonna be great when Darth Nose fights the older, wiser Luke Skywalker,” said Abrams. “Luke will be physically over matched by the Sith Lord, but will use his great wit, like a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner ripping on conspiracy theorists, to mock the Dark Lord into submission. Luke will repeatedly make fun of Darth Nose’s name, saying things like, ‘If you have a question, ask Darth. He NOSE everything,’ and ‘Who NOSE what evil lurks in hearts of men? Darth NOSE!’ It’ll be hilarious and poignant at the same time. I’m ecstatic, also, that we got Rudolph to play the part because, not only will it save us over a million dollars not having to put a CGI nose on a regular reindeer, Rudolph is one of the finest actors working today. I saw his Hamlet last year, and it was so brilliant I literally wept, openly, freely and often.  Now, if  I can just get Santa to play a Jedi Master, I’ll have my whole cast set. Santa was in a version of ‘King Lear’ recently, and I simply do not have enough superlatives to describe his performance. In my honest opinion, no one will be able to play Lear again after that. It was truly THAT amazing. So cross your fingers for me, cause I’m meeting with him tomorrow about the movie. I’ll certainly let everyone know what comes of it. Until then, May the Force Be With You.”