Happy Valentine’s Day To My 7 Billion Subscribers

Happy Valentine’s Day To All My Blogging Pals!  I Love You All So Much My Heart Has Split In Two For You!  But Worry Not.  I’ve Stitched It Back Together, And I’m Fine.  I’m Just Looking For Someone To Sew It Back Into My Chest, So If You Know Of Any Good Surgeons,  Send ‘Em My Way.

Christian Math

Bible Mathematics

I find Christian math to be strikingly lacking in verisimilitude.  Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Because 3 does not equal one. If I go to a store and wish to purchase 3 lollipops for .50 cents each, I expect my total cost for the lollipops to be $1.50.  However, to a card-carrying Christian, they would expect to pay only .50 cents for the 3 lollipops because, in their universe, 3 equals one. Christians proudly state theirs is a monotheistic religion, even though it really isn’t. They insist the 3 individual gods they worship are, in reality, just one god. They claim their all-powerful, tax exempt faith makes this true. It doesn’t. 3 lollipops are 3 lollipops. Never are 3 lollipops 1 lollipop, no matter how strongly one’s faith may say otherwise. To prove this point, I recently went to a 7/11 store and held 3 lollipops in my hand. I stared at them until I developed a very powerful faith that the 3 lollipops were just 1, and then I went to the cashier to pay for them. The cashier rang me up, and told me I owed 1.50 for the 3 lollipops because they were .50 cents each. My faith was unshaken by this, however, and I placed .50 cents on the counter and proceeded to walk toward the front door of the store. Before I could reach it, the cashier grabbed my arm and told me I owed him a dollar more because I was taking 3 lollipops and not just one. “No,” I told him,”I’m taking only one lollipop. Like the Christian god,” I continued, “the three lollipops in my hand are, in reality, just one lollipop in 3 parts. Thus, I’m paying only .50 cents.”

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

Surprisingly, the clerk did not believe me. I tried hard to make him share my faith that 3 equals one, but he would not budge on his belief that I had 3 lollipops in my hand and not one. I needed to pay for all of them or put 2 back, he said. My new-found faith was then totally shattered when he said he’d call the cops if I left with all three without paying for them. So, I’m now a firm believer that 3 does not equal one, no matter how strongly one wishes to believe otherwise. Christians are polytheists; their math is ridiculous, and it will get you into trouble if you use it in the real world. So don’t. $Amen$

Ask The Pontificator: Advice From A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner

adviceDear ACP: My name is Billy Virginstein. I’m 17 years old and madly in love with the girl who lives next door to me, Abigale Roundbottom. She’s 17, too. I’m trying to figure out a cool way to ask her out. I’m really nervous because I’ve never asked a girl out before, and I was hoping, that since you are so smart and wise about everything, that you’d give me some advice on how to do it.  Sincerely, Billy Virginstein, Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine.

Billy Virginstein

Billy Virginstein

Dear Billy: The easiest way to ask a girl out is to first tell her you are a god. If she looks at you like you are insane, assure her you are not by insisting she is a faithless hoochie momma for questioning you and for not having faith that you are, indeed, a god. Then tell her that if she agrees to carry your offspring, she will be the mother of little demi-god kids thus achieving the status of godhood herself. Hell, tell her she can tell people that, even though she’s cranking out your babies, she’s technically still a virgin cause she’s having sex only with you, a god, and no mortal man has ever touched her. Believe it or not, LOTS of people readily believe things like this. You must work very hard to make her accept all you say on faith alone. This is the most important advice I can give you. Her faith in what you tell her is the thing that will make her believe you are a god, and no evidence to the contrary will dissuade her otherwise once it is strong enough.

Once she accepts you as a god, on faith alone, you will easily be able to ask her out on that date you want so badly.  I’d suggest, as a first date, you take her on a door to door mission with you to convince other people that you are a god. Start with the homes of known gun owners. Why, you ask? Because once you’ve gotten enough gun owners to believe you are a god, you can use them as soldiers to convince thousands of others to believe it too. Ain’t nothin’ like stickin’ a gun in someone’s face to convince ’em you’re right. Right?

Hope you find this advice helpful, Billy, and good luck. All my best, always, TACP.

Christians Outraged As Jesus Announces, “I’m Jewish, Dammit!”

Christians the world over were outraged and shocked today when Jesus, The Anointed One, appeared in a deli in Tel Aviv, Israel and said, “I’m Jewish, dammit! I’ve been Jewish my whole existence. My father, mother, brothers and sisters are all, also, Jewish! My wife, Mary, is, you guessed it, Jewish! I go to Temple on the Sabbath to pray. I wear a yamaka AND a prayer shawl, all the time practically. I want these so-called Christians out there, especially the damned anti-Semitic ones, to pay very close attention to this: there is NO Christianity, dammit! I’m a Jew. A proud, happy Jew! I came here to save Jews, not to start a bloody separate religion. Dammit!

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli This Morning

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli Earlier Today

This buffoon Christians follow, Paul of Damascus, who claimed he had a vision of me, was on mushrooms the day he had it, if he had it at all. When will people learn, you can not believe everything you hear. The more ridiculous something sounds, the more likely it is just that: ridiculous! Dammit!  So please, to any putz out there who claims to know me or is doing hateful nonsense in my name, STOP IT, dammit! Now, I’m leaving. My 43rd son’s Bar Mitzvah is tomorrow and I need to get him a gift. Dammit!”

Christian Apologist Apologies For Being Chowder Head

Stanley Clueless: An Apologizing Christian Apologist

Stanley Clueless: Apologizing For Being A Chowder Head

Nome, Alaska.   A Christian apologist named Stanley Clueless today said he was very sorry for all the years he wasted being a chowder head. “I’d like to apologize to my wife, Cindy, my daughter, Bertha, and our pet turtle, Clyde, for wasting not only my time, but theirs in my attempts to make the blithering nonsense that is in the Christian Bible seem logical and true all these years,” a tear-filled Mr. Clueless said. “It dawned on me this morning that it would make more sense if I tried to rationally explain the true existence of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, and The Hulk, than to continue my attempts at rationalizing just how true and real the stories from the Bible are. So, that’s what I’m now going to do. I’ve decided to become the world’s first Superhero Apologist. Wish me luck. I’ve a lot of work ahead of me, but, at least I know, deep down inside, I’m no longer a chowder head. Amen.”