Chicago, Illinois. A group of savage, beast-like, Danish aborigines was spotted today terrorizing people in Downtown Chicago. “They were hideous,” said eyewitness William Handsonbutt. “I saw them as I was crossing the street near the Water Tower Place, and, when I made eye contact with them, they let out a wild yelp before making frightening gestures at me with their fingers. Their faces were covered in some sort of war paint and, by the horrid sound of their cries, I knew they were out for American blood. Luckily I was a sprinter for my high school sprinting team and, thus, was able to quickly run away before they could tear me limb from limb. I beseech anyone else who sees them to notify the authorities immediately and to stay as far away from these twisted, subhuman creatures as possible. Danish aborigines on the streets of Chicago. What’s next, Swedish aborigines in New York?”
Immigrants Suck Town, New York. Soon to be President, Donald Trump today announced his plans to wall off Liberty Island and write the words, “Fuck You Immigrants! Go Fuckin’ Home!” on the outside of it. “Fuckin’ immigrants suck big, giant, elephant, fuckin’ penis,” President Elect Trump said earlier. “What the fuck kinda country would America be if immigrants were allowed in? Really! What kind? Whatever liberal, candy-ass mother fucker put the Statue of Liberty on that island needs to be flayed alive and boiled in oil. This country is for Americans! Not faggot terrorists from across the Atlantic! Immigrants weren’t allowed in before, so why now? What would the founding fathers think of the abomination that is the Statue of Liberty and Liberty Island? No decent founding father cared a squirt of piss about liberty, foreigners, or fuckin’ statues, so why should I? I’m President now. So fuck anyone who’s not American coming to America. Americans have been in America since Jesus put us here 6000 years ago. So fuck off foreigners! And eat my American grits! God bless America and all those who voted for me, Donald Trump, to be your President. You all need to feel real proud because things can only get better from here.” Imperious Rex!
Sky Fairy City, Oklahoma. One of the pearly gates to Heaven fell from the sky today and crushed Gary, Indiana into dust. “My bad,” the owner of Heaven, God, said this morning. “I’ve been meaning to have the pearly gates repaired for several centuries now, but just haven’t gotten around to it. It simply slipped my mind. No, that’s not it. I was busy helping heal the sick of India so I didn’t have time to fix them. Yeah, that sounds much better. Also, I was busy preventing cancer and heart attacks all around the globe, so gate-fixing was the farthest thing from my mind, OK? Oh, hell, what difference does it make anyway? It was GARY that was smashed to dust for Christ’s sake, not a REAL city like New York. In two years, no one will remember any of this, so whip-Dee-frickin’-do! Get over it already. BTW, if anyone out there knows of a good contractor, let me know. I’ve got a huge-ass gate to rebuild up here in Heaven, and I’ve no idea where to begin.”