Famous Non-Racists From History

As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet.   Who are we to doubt ’em, eh?   What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history.  Here are but a few.

1.)

The great Julius Caesar said this as he first entered Gaul: “I’m not a racist! I’m not killing and enslaving millions of you Gauls because of your race.  I merely want your country, and you are resisting me.  But truly, I’m NOT doing this because of your race.  Again, I’m NOT a racist. I’m more non-racist than any other conquer you’ll ever meet.  Really, I am.  Really.”

 

2.)

Charlemagne was known to say this of the pagans he was converting to Christianity: “Stories about my racism are greatly exaggerated.  Yes, I’m traveling into non-Christian areas and killing pagans who will not convert.  BUT, I’m NOT killing them based on their race.  They only die if they won’t convert, and this is a good thing.  Non-Christians are the bane of existence and viewed by the All Loving Jesus as horrid wretches who deserve painful deaths and an eternity of suffering in Hell.  So, as you can see, I’m very, very non-racist. OK?”

 

3.)

Martin Luther very simply once said of Jews, “I don’t hate Jews because I’m a racist.  I hate them because they’re nasty, evil, conniving little shits who don’t believe in Jesus.  I rest my case.”

 

4.)

And finally, the biggest non-racist in history, next to Donald Trump that is,  Adolph Hitler had this to say on racism: “Never in the history of humanity has there been a more non-racist person than me.  I love ALL people.  Do I love Jews?  Of course not.  Why?  Because they’re not people.  They’re animals.  Thus, in light of this fact,  I’m not racist and have never hurt another human being in any way, ever. Really, I haven’t.  I mean that.  You believe me, right?”

 

 

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Donald Trump To Stage Mock Gas Chamber Executions Of Muslims And Mexicans

Donald Trump Will Use Gas Chamber/crematorium Combinations Like This One In Auschwitz, Germany To Eliminate The Muslim/Mexican Problem Once He Becomes President

Donald Trump Plans On Using Gas Chamber/Crematorium Combinations, Like This One In Auschwitz, Germany, To Eliminate The Muslim/Mexican Problem Once He Becomes President

Iaintshittin City, Iowa.   Donald Trump today announced he planned to hold several mock gas chamber executions of Mexicans and Muslims in preparation of being crowned President of the United States next November.   “Thing that Hitler did wrong in eliminating the Jews, man, don’t even get me started on the Jews,” Trump said this morning, “was he waited too long to use gas on them in mass.  Killing in mass, then immediately cremating the bodies as one big group, eliminates the smell of rotting corpses, makes cleaning up afterwards easier, who likes to wipe up blood, yucky, and is very cost-effective.  Bullets are really fucking expensive.

Donald Trump Illustrating How People In A Gas Chamber Die

Donald Trump Illustrating How People Die In A Gas Chamber

So, in preparation for my coronation next November, I’m asking Muslims and Mexicans to volunteer for my “mock” gas chamber executions to help make the real process go faster next year.  Look, I’m gonna come for you all next year anyway, so why not make things easier and volunteer for this practice run now, eh?  If your interested, please email me at trumpsabigot.com, and I’ll have someone come collect you ASAP.  Thanks, and God bless.”

Hitler’s Mustache To Seek GOP Nomination For President

Hitler's Mustache Just After Declaring It Is Seeking The GOP Nomination For The Presidency

Hitler’s Mustache, Minutes After Declaring It Is Seeking The GOP Nomination For The 2016 Presidential Race

Der Fadder Land, Oklahoma.  In unexpected news today, Hitler’s mustache declared itself as a candidate for the Republican nomination for President.  “I am zee most qualified perzon for deez job!  I am of zee superior white mustache race!”  Hitler’s mustache said earlier.  “I am zick und tired of zee Republican Party nominating azzholes to be zee Prezident of zee USA!  I promise, if elected, zat I vill bring order, dizipline, and un Aryan senze of perfection into America!  Those who fail to vote for me, should I vin, vill be summarily executed!  Zo, I suggest everyone who vants to live, vote for me, Hitler’s mustache!  Seig Heil!  Seig Heil! Seig Heil!”

Brew Ha Ha Erupts At Annual Heaven/Hell Easter Gathering

When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.

 Jesus Tells Me His Story

Jesus Tells Me His Story

“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first few hours. Elvis got Buddy Holly and Roy Orbison to sing ‘Heart Break Hotel’ with him at one point, and it totally kicked ass! However, as has happened once too often now, the bloody Nazis just couldn’t resist the temptation to pick on famous Old Testament Jews.

Who'd Think This Sign Is Funny?

Who’d Think This Sign Is Funny?

From what I could gather, Joseph Mengele apparently thought it would be knee-slappingly hilarious to tape a big swastika onto the back of the Prophet Isiah who’d, once again, drunk himself into a stupor and passed out, face first, on one of the buffet tables. No one noticed it at first, but then Hitler saw it and let out a laugh so loud it shook the windows. This woke Isiah who quickly reached behind his back and removed the swastika. He then let fly a series of X-rated superlatives so crude even soldiers in the midst of battle couldn’t match them. This, of course, only provoked Hitler to more laughter, which, in turn, motivated a nearby Noah to punch Hitler in the face. Hitler then fell backward onto the floor, right in front of Gerald Ford, who, of course, tripped over him and fall into the door of a nearby broom closet producing a loud, BANG!  The door swung open to reveal a very startled JFK with his pants down and his snoodle up the doodle of Marilyn Monroe. To add more fuel to the fire, Jackie O happened to be sitting at a table directly across from all this flirting with Genghis Khan. When she saw Kennedy and Monroe together, she grabbed the sword Genghis Khan had next to him and charged the broom closet. I was just coming back into the building with Jim Morrison, we were out back smoking a pipe during all this, when Jackie O started her charge.

Taken By Jesus From Jackie O

Sword Jesus Took From Jackie

Immediately, I froze time, I’m God, I can do shit like that, and took the sword from her before unfreezing it. Then I held her in a bear hug until she calmed enough for me to trust she wouldn’t kill anyone. I then spent the next several hours sorting out what the hell happened. Once I had, I made Mengele apologize to Isiah for acting like such a, well, Nazi, and explained to Noah that, even though Hitler is evil incarnate, it was wrong to strike him. We simply have to be better than that. Anyway, after that, I came here to chill and think for a while. I’ve decided Heaven and Hell will celebrate holidays separately from now on. I’m just getting too damn old for this kinda shit.”  The end.

 

 

 

 

Lucifer Thrown Out Of Heaven, Again

Here’s a re-post of one of my favorite posts.

Lucifer, Lord of Hell, called me this morning just as I was getting out of the shower. “Dude,” he said rather excitedly, “you will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday.”  I assured him I would believe whatever he had to tell me because I already believed I was actually speaking to the Devil. “Alright then, man, get a load of this. Jesus calls me on my cell yesterday as I’m dipping Fred Phelps in and out of boiling oil and tells me my mom was in a car accident and is in the hospital.

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

She sustained a concussion, so they’re keeping her a few days for observation, he says. Then he asks, ‘Do you want to come up to see her?’ I said yes, of course, but reminded him his dad, as he well knew, would not be too keen on me being in Heaven, no matter what the reason. ‘I know, my Pop sure knows how to hold a grudge. But it’s your mom, and she’d certainly cheer up if she saw you. Just meet me by Pearly Gate entrance # 56A, and I’ll get you in and out without him ever knowing about it,’ Jesus says to me. So, I ask my associate, Hitler, to take over Mr. Phelps’ torture, hop on an elevator, hit the button marked, ‘top’, and, a few minutes later, I’m in Heaven. Jesus grabs me by the arm as soon I step off the elevator and tosses a Jedi-type robe on me. He says, ‘Keep the hood up until we get to your mom’s room, OK, Obi-Wan?’

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

So I flip up the hood, walk briskly with Jesus to his car, and we drive off to the hospital. By the way, if anyone ever asks, Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh? Anyway, we get to the hospital and go to my mom’s room. She just about died of joy when she saw me. ‘Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for bringing me my boy! Oh, thank you, Lord!’ She repeated, over and over. Then I held her and told her it was great to see her. ‘Are you getting enough to eat down in Hell, Lucie?’  She asks me. ‘You look like a skeleton. LOOK AT YOU! NO MEAT! NONE! You have to EAT, Lucie! EAT! You’ll waste away to dust down there with all that fire if you don’t. You need your mother. I wish you were up here by me instead of living in that hell you live in. I simply will NEVER forgive Yahweh for tossing you down there like he did. Oy vey, but he can be such an ass! You kids better get running though, speaking of Yahweh, before he finds out Lucie’s up here and throws a fit.’

Lucy, Lucifer's Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

Lucy, Lucifer’s Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

No sooner did my mom say that than a booming voice so loud it shook the building said, ‘What the hell are YOU doing up HERE, Lucifer!? Jesus, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I’m cutting you out of my will and giving your inheritance to Peter.’ Yahweh then made the roof of the hospital disappear, lifted me up and out of my mom’s room with his god-like will power, and tossed me down an elevator shaft into Hell, for the SECOND time in my life! What are the odds on that ever happening to someone, eh? So, you Mr. Pontificator, must write it down for your readers.  You’re the only one with enough credibility for people to believe it.”

And that is exactly what I just did. Imperious Rex!

 

God Denies Holocaust Deniers The Right To Be Called Human

God Isn't Happy With Holocaust Deniers

God Showing His Dislike Of Holocaust Deniers

God today, from His vacation home in Naples, Florida, issued a brief statement declaring He has taken the right to be called “human” away from those who deny the Holocaust.  “Let me start by saying, for those ‘Christians’ out there who fail to understand this, that I’m a Jew, and so is Jesus, my son,” God said. “And as a Jew, I’m disgusted and sickened by the actions of those individual entities known as ‘Holocaust Deniers.’ As well, I’m just as sickened by those who debate the final numbers of Jews killed during the Holocaust, as if 5 million murders is somehow less horrific than 7.  They seek to place blame on the victims of the Nazis by suggesting they deliberately exaggerated these numbers for the purpose of gaining sympathy. What right do those who seek to wipe out the crimes of Hitler and the Nazis have to call themselves human?  The brains of Holocaust deniers are small, feeble, and weak.  They espouse untrue and blatantly anti-Semitic nonsense and are an offense to me, God. Therefor, I am denying them the right to be called human. Henceforth, they will be known simply as ‘The Nameless Ones.’ As well, I will be certain that, when they die, they spend an eternity in Hell, being gassed to death, over and over and over again, in a ghoulishly designed gas chamber which, I assure you, they will not once deny is real.  Til then, your very Jewish friend, God.”

Happy Mother Fucker’s Day!

I’ve a great idea. I know it’s great because I thought of it, and like the Good Book says, “Those who think their ideas are great and have the balls to say so, have great ideas.” Thus, my idea is great. So, here it is: Make the day after Mother’s Day, “Mother Fucker’s Day”. Let me set the scenario for you. You’ve just finished an exhausting dinner with your mother, a middle age crabby person who takes every opportunity she has to remind you of just how disappointed she is in you,  and you’re angry in a pent-up, gotta get relief or bust kinda way. You can’t yell at your mom and tell her what you actually think of her. No way. The Bible forbids it, and you’ll burn in Hell for it. So, here’s my answer for you. Send someone, even a dead someone, a “Mother Fucker’s Day” card the very next day and regain your equilibrium.

Happy Mother Fuckers Day To Hitler: A True Mother Fucker

Happy Mother Fucker’s Day To Hitler: A True Mother Fucker

For example, I sent Hitler a “Mother Fucker’s Day” card this morning that read,”Dear Hitler, I think you were a real mother fucker to kill all those innocent people like that, and I’m glad you’re dead.” I sealed it; addressed it to, “Adolf H.,The Bunker Remains, Berlin, Germany'” and mailed it off first thing this morning. Hell, it doesn’t matter if it actually ever gets there. No. What matters is I blew off steam by calling a mother fucker a mother fucker, and I feel good about it. So, I declare the day after every Mother’s Day from this day forward to be, “Mother Fucker’s Day” and ask Hallmark to make cards especially for it. They, and you, will be the happier for it.