The Buddha Is Keeping Nirvana
Peaceville, Nirvana. According to sources close to The Buddha, Disney today made an offer to buy Nirvana from him for an undisclosed amount, but The Buddha said, “No thanks.”
“Man, The Buddha is just not interested in money,” said Buddha spokesperson, Fr. Tom “Stiggy” Stigmata, who has lived in Nirvana for close to a thousand years now. “This guy is happy just sitting under a shady tree all day and listening to Beatles tunes. He loves it here. It’s his home. I know God just recently sold Heaven to Disney for like a trillion, billion dollars, and I’m not bashing him for it, but The Buddha worked too damn hard to just sell this place to Disney so they can turn it into an amusement park.”
The Buddha himself had no comment on the matter other than to politely decline the offer to be interviewed.
God: “Heaven Now Belongs To The Mouse.”
In shocking news today from Paradise, God, the Father Almighty, has announced He’s sold Heaven to Disney Studios for an undisclosed amount and will be retiring to Orlando, Florida on December 25th of this year.
“That’s my son’s birthday,” said God. “I’ll throw him a nice party on the beach in Orlando; then plan the rest of my unending existence right after that. I’ve truly had it with trying to help save human beings. They’re an unappreciative bunch of self-aggrandizing little shits. They’re not worthy of the unending happiness in Paradise I prepared for them, especially the Christians. I realized yesterday that, emotionally, I couldn’t do it anymore. It takes a shit-load of time, effort, and money to run a place like Heaven, things I no longer have enough of to waste. So I decided that, if George Lucas could sell ‘Lucas Film’ to Disney, I sure as hell could sell them Heaven and retire to Orlando.”
God concluded by saying, “Disney is planing on turning Heaven into either a huge multi-screen TV sports bar, or a top of the line Jewish Deli with a multiplex movie theater connected to it. Either way, I wish them well, cause I’m done with it.”
The Dark Side Is Now In The Vatican
Rome, Italy. Millions of Roman Catholics were stunned this morning when Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, appeared on Fox News to announce the Pope, and all other Catholic Clergy, had been removed from the Vatican by Imperial Storm Troopers so that he could move into it. “I have been contemplating retirement for some time now,” Lord Vader breathed heavily to Fox reporter Megyn Kelly, “and the Vatican seemed an impressive place for me to retire to, most impressive, indeed. I found the faith of its Clerical occupants, however, to be insignificant when compared to the POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE, so I had them removed to an Imperial penal colony on Bespin before moving in.
Pope And Clergy Exit Vatican For Bespin Penal Colony
Their sniveling and postulating about their rights as Vatican citizens failed to impress upon me anything other than mild annoyance. To teach them the TRUE meaning of POWER, and to REVENGE my Sith- self upon them for causing me the above mentioned mild annoyance, I decided to question several of them with the assistance of an Imperial Mind Probe Torture Droid as they were packing their belongings for their move to Bespin. As I really had no questions to ask them, knowing nothing about them, I simply asked them to repeat, 1000 times each, that I, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, was THE MOST POWERFUL BEING any of them had ever met and all else paled in significance when compared to the POWER of THE DARK SIDE of the FORCE. After completing this task, they left for Bespin. And now that I’ve moved in to Vatican City, I ask that all former followers of the former Catholic leaders of the city pick another leader to follow, for if I am disturbed in my retirement, those disturbing me will experience the FULL POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE!”
Affleck Leaving Disney Studios Holding A Star Wars 7 Script
In news sure to send fans into a raging frenzy of disbelief, Disney Studios announced today that Ben Affleck has been signed to play Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, AND Princess Leia in “Star Wars: Episodes 7, 8, and 9.” “We were tired of fans calling us EVERY fucking day asking if the original cast members would be in these new films,” Disney spokesman, James Smalldick said. “So we decided it was time we made the statement that ‘Star Wars’ is now OURS, and we can do whatever the fuck we want with it. And the fact is, no matter WHAT we do with these movies, fan boys will still see them 47 times each, thus ensuring their financial success. You just wait and see.”
Ben Affleck had this to say when asked why he choose to take on this unprecedented and ill-advised job: “I took this gig because I’m still pissed off at all the internet geeks who said horrible shit about me when I was cast to play Batman in the upcoming “Batman vs Superman” movie. So wadda you fan boys think now, eh? I bet you’d suck my cock whenever I asked you to if I’d drop this ridiculous nonsense and JUST play Batman. But fuck you, fellas. I’m playing all 3 of these parts. Though Leia is going to be the most fun to play. I’ll dress in full drag, and speak with a high-pitched lisp when I play her. Oh, before I forget, I’m insisting there be a sex scene with Leia and Han in one of these films. I’ve always wanted to seduce and fuck myself. Now I can do it on-screen. I’m bettin’ the fan boys will curse me in languages they never thought they knew when they see that. I’m not right for Batman, eh boys? Well fuck you then.”
Jedi Master And Film Critic, Yoda
Yoda stopped by the office today after seeing the new “Thor” movie and had these things to say about it.
1. Powerful hero is Thor. Powerful hero.
2. A large Hammer, Thor has. A great weapon it is too, when thrown by him.
3. Evil brother, Loki, Thor has. The Dark Side I see in him.
4. Clouded my judgement on the movie becomes now. Talking the people behind me were. Rude that is. Selfish. Not the way of the Jedi. Talking during movies leads to anger. Anger leads to pain. Pain leads to suffering. A path to the Dark Side this is.
5. Avoid these things at all costs, a Jedi must. Leave the movie early I did. Go back I will on a weekday morning when fewer people there will be. Review the movie then, I will.
6. Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things. But you do. So glad I am movies like this are made. Distractions from the Dark Side, they are. Talk again soon we will. May the Force Be With You. Always.
Shakespeare As Grand Moff Tarkin
In news that can only be called miraculous, Disney has had Shakespeare, yes, THAT Shakespeare, brought back from the dead to aid director J.J. Abrams in rewriting the screen play for the highly anticipated, “Star Wars Episode 7.” “I do not have a fucking clue as to how they pulled this off,” said a happy Abrams today. “But Will and I have bonded like a couple of old college buddies, and the script we’re writing is FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! Shakespeare is not only an amazing writer, he’s funny as hell and a HUGE Star Wars fan. He was dressed as Grand Moff Tarkin when I first was introduced to him, actually. My understanding is, now that Disney has broken the bank on bringing Will back, they’re going to get all they can outta this. Shakespeare is lined up to write the scripts for ” Nemo: A Fish Outta Water” and “Snow White vs The Lion King”, two films coming out in 2015. For me, this is an opportunity I never thought anyone could possibly ever have, so I’m honored and thrilled to actually be doing it.”