Brew Ha Ha Erupts At Annual Heaven/Hell Easter Gathering

When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.

 Jesus Tells Me His Story

Jesus Tells Me His Story

“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first few hours. Elvis got Buddy Holly and Roy Orbison to sing ‘Heart Break Hotel’ with him at one point, and it totally kicked ass! However, as has happened once too often now, the bloody Nazis just couldn’t resist the temptation to pick on famous Old Testament Jews.

Who'd Think This Sign Is Funny?

Who’d Think This Sign Is Funny?

From what I could gather, Joseph Mengele apparently thought it would be knee-slappingly hilarious to tape a big swastika onto the back of the Prophet Isiah who’d, once again, drunk himself into a stupor and passed out, face first, on one of the buffet tables. No one noticed it at first, but then Hitler saw it and let out a laugh so loud it shook the windows. This woke Isiah who quickly reached behind his back and removed the swastika. He then let fly a series of X-rated superlatives so crude even soldiers in the midst of battle couldn’t match them. This, of course, only provoked Hitler to more laughter, which, in turn, motivated a nearby Noah to punch Hitler in the face. Hitler then fell backward onto the floor, right in front of Gerald Ford, who, of course, tripped over him and fall into the door of a nearby broom closet producing a loud, BANG!  The door swung open to reveal a very startled JFK with his pants down and his snoodle up the doodle of Marilyn Monroe. To add more fuel to the fire, Jackie O happened to be sitting at a table directly across from all this flirting with Genghis Khan. When she saw Kennedy and Monroe together, she grabbed the sword Genghis Khan had next to him and charged the broom closet. I was just coming back into the building with Jim Morrison, we were out back smoking a pipe during all this, when Jackie O started her charge.

Taken By Jesus From Jackie O

Sword Jesus Took From Jackie

Immediately, I froze time, I’m God, I can do shit like that, and took the sword from her before unfreezing it. Then I held her in a bear hug until she calmed enough for me to trust she wouldn’t kill anyone. I then spent the next several hours sorting out what the hell happened. Once I had, I made Mengele apologize to Isiah for acting like such a, well, Nazi, and explained to Noah that, even though Hitler is evil incarnate, it was wrong to strike him. We simply have to be better than that. Anyway, after that, I came here to chill and think for a while. I’ve decided Heaven and Hell will celebrate holidays separately from now on. I’m just getting too damn old for this kinda shit.”  The end.

 

 

 

 

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Sieg Heil! The Republican Party! Or, Solutions To The Republican Problem

 

Angry Republican Dwarf

Angry Republican Dwarf

Many of you may be shocked by this confession, but I must admit, I hate Republicans. Can’t stand the self-serving pricks. They’re the modern equivalent of Nazis, in my humble, unbiased opinion. So, since I lack the omnipotence to send them, one and all, straight into the flames of Hell where I feel they belong (or at least to Mars where they’ll simple die off) I’m writing this post. It’s a post in which I will express some of my Nobel Prize winning ideas on how normal, decent Americans can take action against these spawns of evil in order to better our nation, a nation which is supposed to be for everyone, not just wealthy, white Christians.  Here are some of my solutions to the Republican problem.

Sieg Heil! The Republican Party!

Sieg Heil! The Republican Party!

1.) Republicans need to have their own, inconveniently located, public restrooms. I do not want to pee, much less shit, in any restroom one of these bastards pees or shits in. Armed guards need to stand in front of regular public bathrooms and ask one or two quick questions to everyone wishing to use it. Here are two examples: “What’s your feeling on gay marriage, and how do you feel about disabled Americans who collect SSDI?” If the person flinches or makes a silly face, they get sent to a Republican bathroom located at least four blocks away from the one they’re attempting to use. Let these fuckers piss and/or shit their pants often enough, and maybe they’ll realize it’s time they move their feelings about others into the 21st century.

 Toilet Reserved For Republicans

Toilet For Republicans

2.) Ever wonder how many Jesus lovin’, fag hatin’ Republicans look at gay porn? Pass a law to monitor their internet usage and make their browsing history public, just to fuck with ’em. I’d love it!

Republican Shocked To Find Her Browsing History Has Been Made Public

Republican Shocked To Find Her Browsing History Has Been Made Public

3.) Make them ride on “special” Republican buses so normal, decent Americans can ride free of their stench when using public transportation.

A Republican Bus

“Special” Republican Bus

4.) Tax the shit outta their wealthy-ass churches and use the money to fund programs for the poor and needy. Isn’t that what Jesus would do?

If They Can Afford To Build This, They Can Afford To Pay Taxes On It

If They Can Afford To Build This, They Can Afford To Pay Taxes On It

5.) Make them live in designated Republican reservations in houses made just for them.

Republican Reservation Just Outside Detroit, Michigan

Republican Reservation Just Outside Detroit, Michigan

6.) Deny Republican couples the right to be married because marriage is a contract between two human beings who truly understand that love is something everyone feels and wishes to publicly express, not just white, heterosexual, rich, Christian shit-heals.

Republican Couple Frustrated They Can't Legally Be Wed

Republican Couple Frustrated They Can’t Legally Be Wed

That’s all for now. But I promise to be back with more unbiased ideas on what to do about the Republican problem as soon as I think ’em up.  Imperious Rex!

 

God Denies Holocaust Deniers The Right To Be Called Human

God Isn't Happy With Holocaust Deniers

God Showing His Dislike Of Holocaust Deniers

God today, from His vacation home in Naples, Florida, issued a brief statement declaring He has taken the right to be called “human” away from those who deny the Holocaust.  “Let me start by saying, for those ‘Christians’ out there who fail to understand this, that I’m a Jew, and so is Jesus, my son,” God said. “And as a Jew, I’m disgusted and sickened by the actions of those individual entities known as ‘Holocaust Deniers.’ As well, I’m just as sickened by those who debate the final numbers of Jews killed during the Holocaust, as if 5 million murders is somehow less horrific than 7.  They seek to place blame on the victims of the Nazis by suggesting they deliberately exaggerated these numbers for the purpose of gaining sympathy. What right do those who seek to wipe out the crimes of Hitler and the Nazis have to call themselves human?  The brains of Holocaust deniers are small, feeble, and weak.  They espouse untrue and blatantly anti-Semitic nonsense and are an offense to me, God. Therefor, I am denying them the right to be called human. Henceforth, they will be known simply as ‘The Nameless Ones.’ As well, I will be certain that, when they die, they spend an eternity in Hell, being gassed to death, over and over and over again, in a ghoulishly designed gas chamber which, I assure you, they will not once deny is real.  Til then, your very Jewish friend, God.”

Christian Militant Group To Host Book Burning Saturday

Christian Militants Say, Be Like A Nazi: Burn A Book

Christian Militants Say, Be A Nazi: Burn A Book

Omaha, Nebraska.   A Christian militant group calling itself “Whites With Guns For Christ” is hosting a book burning/barbecue this Saturday in Omaha. The group hopes to eliminate 50 to 60 percent of all books in Nebraska with the word “evolution” in them with the event. Group spokesman, Thaddeus Dingledoddle, had this to say on the matter, “It’s all about love, people. Love. Love of Jesus. Love of guns. And love of America. Books that are about evolution or even mention evolution are evil and were written by people with sick, diseased minds. Since we can’t yet burn the people who write such garbage, we’ve chosen to burn their books instead. Only those who know the true love and the all-encompassing Grace of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, should be allowed to share their ideas in writing. It worked for Adolf, and it can work for us. Amen.”