Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!

Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?

Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.

Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….

Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!

Baby Jesus Makes Shocking Confession: I’m A Methamphetamine Addict

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Just in time for Christmas, the Baby Jesus today made a stunning, and somewhat surreal announcement: “I’m a hard-core methamphetamine addict and have been for many years.  It isn’t easy saying this knowing that there are so many children who look up to me and want to be like me, hoping that they, too, can be brutally tortured and killed one day for the sins of people not yet born.  But I can’t fight the demons that make me chase the elusive methamphetamine dragon by myself anymore.  So I’ve decided to take this Christmas off from my usual duties of lying around in mangers and cooing cutely while folks pass by. Instead, I’ll be focusing on working the 12 steps of my N.A. program with the help of my sponsor, The Holy Spirit.  His battle with alcohol is legendary up here in Heaven, and I gotta believe, if he learned to live without vodka, I certainly can learn to live without a continual methamphetamine buzz.  In the mean time, Baby New Year will be filling in for me and covering all my Christmas responsibilities for the year.  He ain’t too happy about it though, having to start work a month earlier than usual. Thus, you may notice a bit more crankiness from the Baby Jesuses you encounter this year. He’ll pull through, though, and, by next year, I’ll be meth free and back to the old grind like usual.  So to all my fans, Merry Christmas, and please, keep me and my battle with methamphetamine in your thoughts throughout this blessed season.  Best always, The Baby Jesus.  Heaven, 12/03/2014.”

Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold, The Conclusion

And now, so the drinking can begin, the conclusion of “Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold.” A story “Time” magazine has called, “An unclassifiable assemblage of English words, sentences, and paragraphs so far beyond necessity, one can’t help but feel they must surely mean SOMETHING to SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE.

Moses, A Great Lawyer

Moses, A Great Lawyer

“Moses: OK, Kid. Listen up. There’s one thing you’ve got going for you here that no Right Wing, Tea Bangin’, Christian Conservative Texan can deny: You, Kiddo, are an unborn fetus! You don’t “officially” get born into this realm until midnight tonight, when Old Year 2013 gets sent packing to the Palooka Ville retirement home for years gone by. Just because you jumped the gun and decided to go cruising for a bit of nooky before your official, shall we say, expulsion from the womb of time, doesn’t make this any less a fact. You are a gestating timeline of an infant, and you can not be withheld from your birth into the world of existence without those preventing said birth from being labeled abortionists for doing so. Thus, to keep your perverted ass locked up here in Corpus Cristi, rather than letting you be born, is akin to killing you via an abortion.

Baby New Year: Wow. That’s awesome lawyer thinking there Moses. I’m impressed. Get me outta here, and tonight, you can join me for some of the best partying your withered old arse has or will ever see.

Moses: No thanks. Jesus and I watch “Casablanca” every New Years Eve, and I wouldn’t miss that or his special “Savior Seasoned” popcorn, for anything. I think Elvis and Christopher Hitchens are joining us this year, too. Great guys, but back to you.  They’re coming to take us to see the judge in a minute or two. Just let me do ALL the talking, and we should be fine. OK?

Baby New Year: You bet yer ass Pops!

There is silence on the SETI tapes TACP used to transcribe this truth-ridden tale of the odd, for several minutes. Then a final statement is clearly heard being given by Judge Righteous M. Fukker, the judge who apparently heard Baby New Years’ case. This statement is presented below without one tiny thing about it being made up or exaggerated in the least.

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge R.M. Fukker: Well now, don’t that all just sound like a Yankee Liberal abortionists’ wet friggin’ dream come true, eh boys? You damn Yankees go around pullin’ fetuses outta Christian women’s wombs up north like you was no more than pullin’ lice outta some youngin’s hair when it suits yer fancy ta do so. Ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth, eh boys? And now you all is gonna tell me, an honored and highly respected judge, that I shouldn’t hold this here perverted little shit-ball hooker chaser in my jail cell til his arm pit hair grows grey and chokes him to death because I’d be performin’ an ABORTION by doin’ so myself? Well ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth of it then. Not a bad bit of lawyerin’ there old Jewish feller. Not bad at all. I’m gonna let yer little bastard buddy go with just a warnin’ this time, but fuck up in Texas again, boy, and I’ll send you away for so long there won’t be time to tell time by when yer abortion lovin’ a-theist Yankee ass gets out. Ya god dang som’bitch ya!

Moses: He’ll behave your honor. I promise you. And thank you very much, Sir.

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year: Yes. Thanks. And Happy New Year to you and to all the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator, where cannibalism is only bad if you under cook the meat.