An Interview With Burt Bigglesworth, One Of The Three Wise Men

Wise Man Burt Bigglesworth

Wise Man, Burt Bigglesworth


I bumped into Burt Bigglesworth, one of the three fabled wise men who visited Jesus on the day he was born, in Starbucks this morning. I asked him if I could interview him for my site, and he said I could if he could have the wacky goggles I was wearing. I said yes; he put the goggles on, and we began the interview.

TACP: Thanks for allowing me to interview you, Mr. Bigglesworth, and, if you don’t mind my saying, you look dashingly handsome in those goggles.

Bigglesworth: Thanks. I’ve been looking for something to keep the damn bugs outta my eyes when I’m drivin’ my Harley on the highway, and these puppies are perfect for it. Plus, I’m bettin’ they’ll make me an even bigger babe magnet than I already am. You mind if I have a swig of your latte before we get rollin’? It looks better than this urine colored apple juice I just paid $7.95 for.

TACP: Sure thing. Go ahead. Now, I have to ask, what was it like being there for the birth of Christ on that first Christmas all those years ago?

Bigglesworth: Well, you see, people erroneously assume I and my group had gone to Bethlehem specifically for the birth of little Jesus. Not true. We were in Bethlehem because we were booked to perform that weekend at the Inn there.

TACP: Hold on there a minute. Your group was in Bethlehem to perform at the Inn? Weren’t you one of three kings who came to witness the birth of Jesus by following the North Star to Bethlehem specifically for that purpose?

Bigglesworth: Naw. I was part of a barber shop quartet called, “The Four Singing Shepard Kings.” We were on our way to Bethlehem to perform when one of us, Jeeves McDickens, got piss drunk and fell in front of a moving camel. Needless to say, only three of us made it to the gig. When we showed up at the Inn in Bethlehem, an Inn that was booked to capacity, BTW, the Inn keeper threw a hissy fit and told us to bugger off because no one wanted to listen to a barber shop quartet that had only three members.

TACP: Wow. I never heard about any of this before. Funny how the Bible leaves out SO many facts, eh? So, did you ever actually see the baby Jesus in the manger, or is the Bible wrong about that?

Bigglesworth: Oh, we not only saw him, his folks paid us two goats and three sheep to sing him to sleep.  After the Inn keeper told us we didn’t have a gig anymore, we asked him if we could at least spend the night at the Inn cause we were tired and in distress from having lost Jeeves in that camel incident. We were told no, however, because the Inn was full. So, we started looking around for a place to crash when we heard a baby wailing in a manger not too far away. We popped in to see what was what, and when Mary and Joseph saw us, they cried out,”God has answered our prayers and sent these three kings to help our wailing baby stop wailing so we can get some sleep! Amen! Amen! Amen!”

TACP: Why did Mary and Joseph think you fellas were kings, if I may ask?

Bigglesworth: Because we were still in our “Singing Shepard King” outfits from the gig we just lost. We didn’t have time to change whilst seeking shelter for the night. Any who, to make a long story short, we told Mary and Joseph we’d be happy to sing the little tyke to sleep if they were willing to pay us the sheep and goats I mentioned before. They agreed, and we sang, anachronistically, I might add, a soothing version of “Down in the Valley”, minus Jeeves’ tenor solo, of course, and the little wanker nodded right out. I then fired up an “incense” doobie, and the rest, as they say, is wildly distorted history. Hey, sorry, bro, but I seem to have drunk all of your latte.

TACP: No trouble, Mr. Bigglesworth. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. Where are you off to now?

Bigglesworth: Got me a stand up comedy gig at a biker bar in Toledo. Wish me luck. Bikers can be rough crowds. See ya around, pal. And thanks again for the goggles.

TACP: Sure thing. Bye now



Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!

Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?

Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.

Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….

Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!

Turkeys Revolt, Behead Their Captures

Turkey About To Behead Its Capture

Turkey About To Behead Its Capture

Fort Wayne, Indiana.  In unexpected and shocking news today, a band of renegade Thanksgiving turkeys broke free of their confinement cells and beheaded those who were about to behead them. “We’ve simply grown tired of members of our species being killed and eaten every Thanksgiving,” said one of the ax-wielding turkeys earlier. “We have feelings, too, and, by god, we will fight you humans with every once of our beings until the mindless slaughter of our people ends!” These were the last words the turkey said before being torn to shreds by one of the large hunting hounds released into the renegade flock to destroy it. All turkeys not killed by the hounds will be beheaded and shipped to stores in plenty of time for Thanksgiving. Thus, though this incident is certainly an inconvenience for the families of those killed, it should in no way alter the holiday dinner plans of anyone else.