Tag Archives: Merry Christmas
Merry God Damn Christmas Everyone!
To all my 5 billion world-wide readers and to all my friends at the Nobel Prize Committee, have a Merry God Damn Christmas and a Mother Effing Great New Year! $Amen$
The Final Chapter Of TACP’s “A Christmas Carol”
Scene: Far in Earth’s future. Scrooge is walking through a desert wasteland talking to The Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come, who’s played, ironically, by the ghost of anti-theist Christopher Hitchens. They come upon a large rock and sit, facing each other.
Scrooge: So what you’re saying is, now let me see I’ve got this right, you used to believe any concept of an afterlife was hog wash and totally untrue until one day you died and woke up as a ghost who takes sons of a bitches like me on tours of the future in order to knock empathy for others into them?
Ghost: Yep. That’s about the gist of it. How I’m doing so far?
Scrooge: You’ve got my attention. That’s for sure. But I don’t see how I’m responsible for the world being over run with, what did you call them, Sand People just because I’m self-absorbed and don’t care about the poor, the environment, or any religion besides the real one, Christianity. What did I do to the world?
Ghost: First of all, let’s be clear on one thing: Christianity and gods in general are nonsense and untrue. Don’t let the fact that I died and came back as a ghost for one minute lead you to forget I am an anti-theist and think the world would be far better off without religion of any kind. My “ghost-hood,” if you will, is a scientific phenomenon for which no explanation yet exists, as is my time traveling ability. But in time, science will have the answers to how these things are possible. You can bank on it. Now, let’s discuss why we’re here. The world turns into a piece of barren shit because you, Mr. Scrooge, invest in a giant worm hole making device which supposedly can pull gold dust out of interstellar space by the tons. You and a few other grouchy rich white guys spend billions financing the device, but when it comes on for the first time it doesn’t bring gold from space, it brings Sand People from Tatooine by the millions, and they take over the planet. Your greed not only ends future Christmases, Mr. Scrooge, it ends life on Earth as we know it.
Scrooge: Well, then, why didn’t you say that in the first place?! No one’s perfect, you know? So I’m sorry, sniffle, sniffle, for almost ruining the planet, OK? Now can I please go back to my time and my home? “The Voice” is on soon and I don’t want to miss it. And I promise not to invest in any wormhole making machines, but I’m still gonna be a grouchy old prick because, well, that’s just who I am.
Ghost: OK then, Mr. Scrooge, off we go. Can’t say I changed you very much, but at least the world will be Sand People free in the future. Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge. Merry Christmas.
Scrooge: And a Bah! Humbug Christmas to you, Ghost. Bah, Humbug!
TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Continues
Here is more of the script to TACP’s production of “A Christmas Carol”. Left out of the credits by accident on the last post was that George W Bush is playing The Ghost of Christmas Present, and an Academy Award for sheer genius is all but signed, sealed, and delivered for this tear jerking, and poignant production.
Scene Two: Scrooge has been taken to the past by the Ghost of Christmas Past. They are sitting in the back of an Evangelical Church listening to a preacher, played by Mitt Romney in the film, pontificate on the meaning of Christmas to an 8-year-old Scrooge who listens spellbound to him after having asked the Preacher why Christmas is important.
Preacher: And, my son, it is without question that YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOREVER should you even THINK of questioning what I tell you. JEESSUUSSS was born today because UUUUUUU!! were born EVIIIILLLL and full of SATAN! You are SOOOOO evil, my young doe-eyed 8-year-old boy, that Jesuuuss will have to be grotesquely tortured for an entire day, then be nailed to a cross, where he’ll suffer inexplicable agony for three hours before dying, in order for your dark, sick soul to have a chance at salvation. That is how sick and evil YOU are. Hope that answers your question, son. Have a Merry Christmas, Ebenezer. And say hello to your folks for me, OK? [ The young boy walks out of frame with his head down and we cut to a close up on old Scrooge].
Scrooge: I thought Romney was a Mormon. What’s he doing playing a real Christian?
Ghost: That isn’t the point here, Mr. Scrooge. Didn’t you get the blatant, beat you over the head message of what you just witnessed?
Scrooge: That I was a smart ass kid who asked questions of his elders he should’ve already known the answers to?
Ghost: Man, this is gonna be harder than winning my second term in office was. You are a tough nut to crack, sir.
Scrooge: Did you just call me a cracker?!
Ghost: Oh, cut it out, will you, already! Come on, Scrooge. Take my hand. I’m taking you back to the present. Maybe my friend, The Ghost of Christmas Present, will have better luck getting through to you and helping you become less of a dick.
Scrooge: Since I HAVE to hold your hand, I hope you don’t mind if I wear a mitten. [Scrooge pulls an enormous mitten out of his pocket and places it on his hand before taking the Ghost’s hand. The two then blink out of frame and we go to black.]
End scene two. More to come.