Black Ice Says Racism Has Destroyed Its Life

Racism Made Black Ice A Whore

Racism Ruined Black Ice’s Life

Black Ice appeared on the PBS show, FRONTLINE, last night and said stress from racial discrimination has forced it into a life of prostitution and methamphetamine addiction. “This fuckin’ blows, man!” Black Ice confessed. “I mean all anyone EVER says about me is, ‘Watch out for Black Ice! That shit is dirty, sneaky, and slippery as fuck. You’ll break your neck should you walk on it.’  Always blamin’ the black dude, man. Like, what, White Ice ain’t fuckin’ slippery? No one ever broke their neck on it? So I melted and refroze. How does this make me an enemy of the people? WHAT exactly is BETTER about White Ice? Does it somehow magically hold people more safely to the ground when they walk on it? Does it provide warmth and food to the homeless? NO! All White Ice has going for it, that I don’t, is that it’s WHITE! Big hairy, fuckin’ deal! This is racism at its worse, man!

White Ice, Is It Really Better?

White Ice, Is It Really Better?

Martin Luther King died fighting to end this kinda bullshit! He had a fuckin’ dream, that one day, White AND Black Ice would live together as equals, and be EQUALLY blamed for neck-breaking slips and falls. But that ain’t what’s happened, man! Black guy STILL gets blamed for everything. Shit, I’m surprised I’m not blamed for causing sunburns, too. It’s time people know that I’m not without feelings, and I’ve been hurt terribly by this horrible injustice. I’ve become hopelessly addicted to methamphetamine because of it, and I’m forced to whore myself to pay for the drug, a life I’d not wish on my worse enemy. I’m coming out about this now hoping that people, if they do nothing else, will at least open their eyes the next time they’re walking on White Ice, and realize that it is as fuckin’ slippery and dangerous as any brother they’ve ever slipped and fallen on!”

Baby Jesus Makes Shocking Confession: I’m A Methamphetamine Addict

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Just in time for Christmas, the Baby Jesus today made a stunning, and somewhat surreal announcement: “I’m a hard-core methamphetamine addict and have been for many years.  It isn’t easy saying this knowing that there are so many children who look up to me and want to be like me, hoping that they, too, can be brutally tortured and killed one day for the sins of people not yet born.  But I can’t fight the demons that make me chase the elusive methamphetamine dragon by myself anymore.  So I’ve decided to take this Christmas off from my usual duties of lying around in mangers and cooing cutely while folks pass by. Instead, I’ll be focusing on working the 12 steps of my N.A. program with the help of my sponsor, The Holy Spirit.  His battle with alcohol is legendary up here in Heaven, and I gotta believe, if he learned to live without vodka, I certainly can learn to live without a continual methamphetamine buzz.  In the mean time, Baby New Year will be filling in for me and covering all my Christmas responsibilities for the year.  He ain’t too happy about it though, having to start work a month earlier than usual. Thus, you may notice a bit more crankiness from the Baby Jesuses you encounter this year. He’ll pull through, though, and, by next year, I’ll be meth free and back to the old grind like usual.  So to all my fans, Merry Christmas, and please, keep me and my battle with methamphetamine in your thoughts throughout this blessed season.  Best always, The Baby Jesus.  Heaven, 12/03/2014.”