Recipes From The Russian Dossier On Trump

From The Russian Dossier On Trump

1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies.   Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind.   Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka.   Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him.  Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.

2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie.  Go to Moscow.  Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you.  Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl.  Place some premixed pie dough into bowl.  Mix.  Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States).  Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.  Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this.  Let cookies cool.  Enjoy.

3.) Lying Bastard Soup.  Eat a bowl of soup in a public place.  Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life.  If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news.  Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.

4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew.  Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper.   “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew.   Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew.  Stir in with spoon.  Eat.

5.) Fascist Fried Steak.  Order a steak well done at a restaurant.  When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly.  Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter.  Get another waiter to take your order.  Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else.  Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.

6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza.  Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people.  When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza.  Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up.  Take out a slice and eat it.  (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience.  It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit.  Let the audience order their own if they want some.)

7.) Impotent President Pudding.  Make a pot of rice pudding.  Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill.  Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably.   Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter.   Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.

8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie.   Place an apple pie in the oven.  Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin.  Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever.  Remove pie from oven.  Let cool.  Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag.   You’ve now made America great again.

9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger.   While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel.  Let gel “harden”.  Place raw hamburger meat into mold.  Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes.  Remove meat and place on bun.  Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.

10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf.   Make a meatloaf.  Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm).   Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth.  Bark like a puppy every time you catch one.  Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.

On International Women’s Day, Trump Angry There Were No Pussies To Grab

“The International Women’s Day Was Bigly Wrong Because It Interfered In My Personal Right To Grab Pussy As I Pleased. There Were No Pussies Around Me To Grab Today, And That, That, Is Un-American!”  Donald Trump, March 8th, 2017

Trump Institutes New National Anthem

Ivan Drago From Rocky 4 Says, ” Ivan Loves Trump’s New American Anthem!”

New Moscow, New York.    Donald Trump today, claiming it had NOTHING to do with Russia, signed an executive order declaring this song to be the new American National anthem: Russia National anthem Russian & English lyrics – YouTube

Trump To Build Mexican Wall With Legos

Just Try 'N Get Past THIS, You Mexican Hombres!

Just Try ‘N Get Past THIS, You Bad Hombres, You!

Toyland, North Pole.   President Trump today announced a new plan for his Mexican border wall.  “It’s a YUGE idea,” Trump said earlier.  “We’re gonna build the wall out of Legos and save a bigly amount of money by doing so.  Everyone loves Legos, even Mexicans and their President, Hombre Gracias what’s his face.  And since President Hombre and his drug cartel, rapist citizens love Legos, they’ll have no problem with paying for the wall and building it themselves.  Thus, we God-loving Americans will not have to spend a dime or shed a single drop of sweat in constructing this great, impenetrable wall that will keep America free of Mexicans for a YUGE amount of time.  See, I really, really am like a smart person, am I not?  Welp, time to spend 11 million dollars of the taxpayer’s money so I can take the weekend off and golf.  See you all on Monday afternoon.”

A Few Things Trump Has Recently Acquired

1.)

Paul Ryan's Spine

Paul Ryan’s Spine

 

2.)

Kellyanne Conway's Soul

Kellyanne Conway’s Soul

 

3.)

Sean Spicer's Underwear

Sean Spicer’s Underwear

 

4.)

A Glass Of Vladimir Putin's Semen

Glass Of Vladimir Putin’s Semen

 

5.)

Chris Christie's Balls

Chris Christie’s Balls

Trump Puts Pence In Charge Of Women’s Reproductive Organs

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It's My Job.

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It’s My Job.

Man Town, Ohio.  President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America.  “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier.  “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action.  As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could.  What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally?  I say none.  Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive.  I’ve not yet made up my mind on it).   Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning.  It’s both torture AND an execution method).   America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs.  So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”

MRI Reveals Inner Workings Of Trump’s Skull

The following MRI of the inside of Trump’s skull is 100% real and comes to us via secret spies working inside the Trump Administration.   Enjoy.

I'm the best! Grab that pussy! Close those borders! Biggest crowd ever! Obama sucks! It's fake news not to love me! Putin's my master! I like pee! I hate EVERYTHING about America! Poor people are lazy! Rich people are great! I'm great! You're not! Fuck you! I'm bigly, no one else is! Fuck you! (Repeat)

I’m the best! Grab that pussy! Close those borders! Biggest crowd ever! Obama sucks! It’s fake news not to love me! Putin’s my master! I like pee! I hate EVERYTHING about America! Poor people are lazy! Rich people are great! I’m great! You’re not! Fuck you! I’m bigly, no one else is! Fuck you! (Repeat)