Golf Town, USA. President Trump said today that the only reason the solar eclipse is popular is because it’s black. “This is racism against whites, pure and simple,” Trump said earlier. “If the solar eclipse were white, no one would even bother to mention it, much less look at it. What, do white eclipse lives NOT matter? Must an eclipse be black in order for people to care about it? Utter and complete racism. It’s sickening how the fake, liberal media and the anti-fascists are going on about today’s eclipse. ‘Oh, look how cool it is,’ they say. ‘It’s just SO awesome and amazing!’ I’ve had enough. I’m going to go have some ice cream and watch Fox News, the only news station not covering this despicably racist event. Goodbye and Sieg Heil.”
Nazi Land, USA. Donald Trump today said that Adolf Hitler had a perfectly valid point in his desire to kill every living Jew and become ruler of the Western world. “All sides that were involved in WW2 did awful things,” Trump said earlier. “The Allies bombed the f**k out of Berlin for years. Was that nice? Should Hitler have simply accepted what was happening, or should he have fought back? For Christ’s sake, the Allies INVADED Hitler’s country in order to bomb it! How is that OK? It isn’t. All sides involved in WW2 are equally responsible for the horrors of that war. It saddens me that more God-fearing Americans do not see this. Well, at least my sycophants in the Republican Party do. I thank Jesus for them every day. They put me where I am, and, for the most part, they love and support me and all I do. God bless ’em. And God bless the poor, and sadly misunderstood, white supremacists who are my staunchest supporters. With their strength, and God’s love, I can’t help but make America great again. Seig Heil, and Amen!”
Cleveland, Ohio. President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July. “Fuck England,” Trump said. “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it! I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly. The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica. Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT! God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”
Washington, D.C. Just a day after former FBI Director James Comey gave his testimony about Donald Trump to Congress, he was found dead in an alley behind the White House with 6 bullets in his head. “This is an obvious suicide,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer. “Clearly, Mr. Comey was distraught after telling all those horrible lies to Congress about his conversations with President Trump. He must have immediately regretted his words, gotten drunk, purchased a .38 caliber pistol, wandered into an alley behind the White House, and shot himself 6 times in the head. SAD! Isn’t it? This shocking and tragic act by Mr. Comey proves, without any possibility of doubt, that President Trump is the most innocent, most persecuted, most unfairly judged President who has ever, ever lived. President Trump, and those closest to him, would like to send their condolences to Mr. Comey’s family and friends, but they can’t because they’re so fuckin’ happy he’s dead. Good riddance, ya’ lyin’ bastard, ya’.”
Trenton, New Jersey. Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass. “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue. We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage. What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them? What need has a slave for health insurance? If one gets sick or dies, so what. You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.
There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay. With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want. And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want. The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery. Nothing good has come of it. The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough. It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.
Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”