Gamma Ray City, New York. Marvel Studios announced today they will be remaking The Incredible Hulk with Donald Trump in the starring role. “Yes,” Marvel Studios spokesperson, Sally Wannawail, said earlier. “We’ve just signed President Trump to star in our new Netflix show, The Incredible Baby. The show is a remake of the classic Incredible Hulk TV show from the 70’s. This time, however, instead of a dose of gamma rays turning Bill Bixby into a raging green beast, the show will involve Mr. Trump being turned into a whining, green, little baby every time something doesn’t go his way. Our first episode shows Mr. Trump as a 21-year-old receiving a draft notice for the Vietnam War and not wanting to go. He brings the notice to his father who tells him, ‘You know, Donald, your country needs you, and it isn’t very patriotic to not honor your country’s call.’ Upon hearing this, Mr. Trump transforms, for the first time into…The Incredible Baby! He cries, pouts, screams, poops his pants until, finally, his very wealthy father finds a doctor who’ll, for a price, write a letter stating Donald has bone spurs and thus can not go to Vietnam. This calms Mr. Trump down, and he reverts to his adult self, until……Watch Netflix this coming September to find out!”
Fib City, New York. President Trump today claimed D-Day is a day named after and for him. “Of course D-Day was named in honor of me,” Trump said earlier. “My name is Donald, and it starts with a ‘D’. How much more evidence do you need? Yes, Allied troops landed at Normandy on this day a couple of years ago, for some silly reason or another, but what does that have to do with me and my name starting with a ‘D’? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. D-Day was named after ME because I’m super popular, I am SO popular, aren’t I, and EVERYONE simply loves me so much cause I’m such a nice, popular, well-loved fellow. No one has ever been as popular and well-loved as I am, right? So, please, party and have fun today as you celebrate me, Donald J. Trump, a guy who had a whole day named after him cause he’s the bigly-est, most popular guy ever to have his name start with a ‘D’.”
Naked City, North Carolina. X-rated film star, Stormy Daniels released a police sketch today of a man she claims threatened her to keep quiet about an affair she had several years ago with Donald Trump. “It was terrifying,” Ms. Daniels said earlier. “The man walked up to my car, as I and my infant child were getting in it, and released a blood-curdling yell while gazing up at the moon. He must have been well over seven feet tall, and his body was covered with thick, matted hair. He looked down at me and leaned in very close to my face. His breath was rancid, and a foul, putrid smell radiated from him.
‘You keep mouth shut ’bout sex with Mr. Trump,’ he told me. ‘If you no stay quiet, me come back, and me do awful, awful things to you and your baby! Me serious! OK?’ I told him, ‘OK’, and he ran off at a speed which must have been close to 30 miles an hour. Let me tell you, that is NOT the kind of thing one forgets. So I’m very confident that the sketch we released today is about as close to 100% accurate as you can get. If anyone sees or knows who this man is, I ask you to please call my lawyer and tell him. If it pans out that you are correct, and it is indeed the man we’re looking for, you will be given 100 thousand dollars.”
Hollywood California. Because of the great success of the movie Black Panther, now in theaters, Donald Trump has decided to make a movie about himself called Orange Panther. “Look,” President Trump said earlier today, “black people are not the only minorities out there who want to see themselves represented on screen in movies. As an orange person, I find it rather offensive that people of my color aren’t represented more in films. I’ve lived most of my life as if I were a super hero anyway, so making a super hero movie about it will be easy. Throughout my life, as I’ve dealt with great prejudice due to my skin color, I’ve always fought crime wherever and whenever it reared its ugly head. Many do not know this, but I was born with the speed and agility of a cat. The minute I came out of my mother’s womb, I leapt about the hospital delivery room looking for a litter box as if I were a cat that greatly needed to pee. As a toddler, I fought evil in my preschool by scratching out the eyes of any kid who crossed me. Now, as a grown up, I often dress up in my super-duper powered cat suit to stop people from having premarital sex. I stealthily walk along the outside ledges of skyscrapers peeking into bedroom windows in search of unwed people having sex. When I find them, I use my super cat vision to check their fingers for wedding rings. If they’re not wearing them, I crash through the window, pee on the culprits with my super powered cat-scented pee, then leap back out of the broken window hissing like the kitty cat I am.
So, as you can see, I’ve already been living the life of a super hero in my day-to-day life ever since I was a youth. To make the film, I’ll simply have a camera man follow me about on my late night crime fighting adventures and film them as they happen–reality TV meets the super hero genre, BIGLY TIME! I already have the cat suit, the powers, and I’m orange, so special effects will not be needed. I’m hoping to release the movie on October 31st so it can open on Halloween. Cats are really popular on that day, so the movie will make tons of money. It is time for orange people to be represented in films, and, by God, I’m going to be the one to do it. So clear your calendar for Halloween of this year because it’s gonna be a historic moment in film you will not want to miss. MEOW!!
The following Arm Chair Pontificator produced movies about Donald Trump will be released this year. I produced them because I feel Donald Trump is a spiffy keen fella who simply doesn’t get enough press.
1.) Since It Was There, I Had The Right To Grab It. This film is directed by Francis Ford Coppola and stars Ed Asner as Donald Trump. It consists of a series of vignettes showing Trump grabbing various women by their genitals and shouting, “I’m famous, so I get to do this!” When the women complain about this, we cut to closeups of Republican congress members covering their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and/or simply shrugging their shoulders and walking away. The film ends with Trump firing Robert Mueller and Republicans having a kegger party on the White House lawn to celebrate. It will be released this March and will be rated “G” so it can be enjoyed by the whole family.
2.) Republicans, Pedophiles, And Christianity. This film is directed by Roman Polanski and stars Harvey Weinstein as Trump, Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell and Bruce Willis as Roy Moore. It’s a road picture with our three leads traveling across the country handing out bibles, hitting on underage girls, and spreading the word of Christ to everyone they meet. Along the way they kick the asses of snowflake liberals and social justice warriors who believe sexual predators and pedophiles should not be running the country. This film is a laugh a minute, and if you don’t think pedophiles and right-wing, theocratic Christians can peacefully co-exist, you will after you see this. It’s rated “R” because of the intense sexual nature of some of the scenes and will be released just in time for Memorial Day. Don’t miss it!
3.) Rich Daddy, Spoiled Donny. This little gem is directed by Stephen Spielberg and stars Bela Lugosi’s corpse as Donald Trump’s father, Frederick, and comedian Carrot Top as the young Donald. The film consists of dozens of scenes of Donald asking his father to: 1.) Get him out of the draft for Vietnam (5 times). 2.) Help him pay off millions of dollars of debt for making idiotic business decisions (17 or 18 times). 3.) Pay for prostitutes to pee on him and/or spank him with rolled up copies of Forbes magazine (too many times to count). 4.) Give him multiple buildings in Manhattan worth tens of millions of dollars apiece without having to lift a finger to earn them. 5.) Make the many lawsuits against him for not paying his employees simply “go away” without any questions asked. Watch Donald throw hissy-fits every time his father tries to deny him a request. Watch as Donald pouts, cries, shouts, and breaks things until his father caves in to his every demand. This is a harrowing tale of how a very, very rich man turned his son into a spoiled rotten, impish man-child by giving in to his every demand no matter how extreme or obscene. Keep the kiddies at home for this one folks. Only the most mature audience members will be able to witness the creation of the infantile brat who now leads America without coming away with a severe case of clinical depression. The film is rated NC17 for this reason and will be released at the end of August.
As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet. Who are we to doubt ’em, eh? What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history. Here are but a few.