Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

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I’ve Offered To Make A Plea Deal With Robert Mueller

“The Arm Chair Who Wants To Do What?” Says Robert Mueller

In case anyone is concerned with my day-to-day activities, and who, for Christ’s sake isn’t, I’ve recently offered to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller and give him everything I know about Donald Trump and Russia.   He told me, “No way, pal,” since I’ve not been charged with anything, and, in reality, have absolutely NOTHING to do with Trump OR Russia.  This is kind of a bummer as I’d hoped to make a deal were I could be relocated to Hawaii and be surrounded by beautiful women agents who’d do anything I asked them to until my dying day.   Oh, well, what can ya do, eh?  Welp, I’m off to write threatening letters to members of the Nobel Prize Committee for STILL not recognizing my self-awarded Nobel Prize.  $Amen$

Are Trump Supporters A-Holes?

Yes.  Yes they are.  And here’s why.  Let me tell you a story.  It’s about me and a friend I had when I was a kid.  His name was Erin.  I met Erin when we were about 6 or 7 years old.   Erin lived on my block and we hung out a lot playing games and such.   I often was invited to Erin’s home for dinner and to watch TV after school.  I thought Erin’s folks were great people, especially his dad.  His dad was one of the nicest, coolest guys I ever met in my 7 years of life up to that point.   He raised German Shepard puppies, gave us cake and cookies when I came over, and was, as far as I could tell, very loving to his wife, Erin’s mom.  He was also a Neo-Nazi who had a giant swastika hanging over his collection of WW2 firearms which he kept in a display case in the living room for all to see.  And, though I didn’t know what it was at the time, he often dressed in an S.S. uniform when he was at home.  Why, I don’t really know, but he did.

Now, as a little kid, I had no idea what any of this stuff meant.  I just liked Erin and his really nice, cool dad cause he was so nice to me.  Later, when I got older, about 16 or 17, I think, and understood what Nazis were and that they weren’t the greatest folks around, I asked Erin’s dad why he decided to be one and support their ideas.  He sat me down and told me how awful Jews and blacks were, how evil and dangerous they were, and how we white people had to do all we could to protect ourselves and our country from them.   At that point, I thought to myself that no matter how nice he’d always been to me, Erin’s dad was, in fact, an a-hole.  Deep down inside, no matter what wondrous things he’d done for Erin, Erin’s mom, and the cute German Shepard puppies he always had around, he was, because of his ideology about Nazis, a real a-hole.  Though I’m not saying they are as bad as Nazis, not yet anyway, I feel the same thing can be said today of Trump supporters.  No matter how nice they are to their pets, children, and elderly parents; no matter how many college degrees they have or what high paying, important jobs they may have, they are, deep down, true a-holes for supporting Trump and his insipidly disgusting political agenda.

A-Holes And Their Master

Trump and his supporters are hurting the country, hurting the world, and hurting me and things I value as an American.  I truly do not give a darn about how many degrees they have, how many Mexican and black friends they have, how many babies they kiss, how many kitties they rescue from trees or how many puppies and orphans they’re providing foster homes for.  If they support Trump, and what he stands for, they’re a-holes.  What Trump and his minions are doing is causing long-term damage to not only our country and our democracy, but to the world and our standing in it.
It’s time for Trump and his kiddies to be told to put down the tinder, matches and gasoline and learn to play nice with others or be made to, by as much force as can legally be applied.  I’m not a “liberal.”  I don’t care about hurting people’s feelings or being understanding of the misunderstood and wrongly persecuted Trump supporter.  See, just like Trump and his most fervent minions, I shoot from the hip. I tell it like it is.  I say the things about the long-suffering Trump supporter that others won’t.  Why? Because I’m right about them, and they need to be said without apology and without being watered down into a sad, whining liberal attempt to “understand the other side’s point of view.”   I understand it just fine, and it’s horribly, horribly wrong and damaging.

I’ve learned how to act, politically speaking, from Trump and his sycophants.  I’ve become a mean, angry bastard who wants to drain the swamp of Trump and his supporters so I, and the rest of the world, can sleep more peacefully at night, free of nightmares about nuclear apocalypses and environmental catastrophes.  So, like Trump and his followers, I’m breaking with the norms and grabbin’ Trump supporters by their metaphorical pussies to shake ’em the f$$k up.  Hell, I’m even campaigning members of Congress to build detention centers along the Southern border with FEMA money in order to lock Trump supporters and their kids in them because I’m…well…I’m different; I tell it like it is, and I shoot from the hip.  I learned how to do all these things from Trump and his supporters.  Ain’t they nice?  I think so.  But maybe that’s because, like them, I’m an a-hole.

Donald Trump, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell To Form New Boy Band

New Boy Band: The Treasonous Three

QAnon Village, Ohio.     Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three.   “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes.  We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him.    We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes.   Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager.  He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too.  We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way.  So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal.    You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city.   See you soon.  And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”

Trump Farts In Elevator, Blames Obama

Trump Making A “I Just Farted Face.”

Gaslight City, Iowa.   President Trump today farted in an elevator full of people in Trump Tower in New York and quickly blamed it on Obama even though Obama was not in the elevator.    “Yes, I know the fart smell in this elevator is awful,” Trump reportedly said to the people on the elevator, “but I’m NOT the one who blew the fart.  No, it was Obama who did it.  Yes, I know he isn’t here right now, but at some point in the past he was most likely on this very elevator, you can’t prove he wasn’t, and farted so powerfully that the stench from it is STILL in here.   I’ve been cleaning up the stench of Obama’s failures for a year and a half now, and I must now get someone to clean his fart stink from this elevator before it causes the stock market to crash or something worse.”

When it was pointed out to President Trump that people on the elevator actually heard the fart sound come from his buttocks, he declared, “No fart sound!  No collusion!  No fart smell!  No collusion!  This is clearly a witch hunt to try to blame ME for a fart sound I did not make!  This must stop in order for our country to function again.  I’ve no further comment except to say, no fart sound!  No collusion!  None whatsoever!  This interview is OVER!”

Take This Quiz To Find Out How Big Of A Trump Supporter You Are

This Trump quiz was written by, and co-sponsored by, Russian President Vladimir Putin and former New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani.  Take it to see just how big of a Trump supporter you truly are.

1.) Climate change is:  A.) Bullshit  B.) A liberal sob story with no basis in reality  C.) An attempt by Hillary Clinton to rule the world  D.) The true last name of Barrack Obama  E.) All of the above

2.) Evolution is:  A.) A Type of New York style pizza  B.) An atheist attack on Christmas  C.) Something you don’t truly understand but criticize anyway because it’s easier to do that than to actually find out more about it  D.) Whatever Donald Trump tells you it is  E.)  All of the above

3.) The most unfairly treated person in world history is:  A.) Jesus Christ  B.) OJ Simpson  C.) John Wayne Gacy  D.) Any child with painful, terminal brain cancer  E.) Donald Trump

4.) Donald Trump’s penis is:  A.) The biggest penis ever  B.) Elephant sized  C.) Used frequently near or around women without their consent D.) Oranger than the rest of him E.) Called “Donny’s ‘lil man” by Vladimir Putin

5.) Robert Mueller is:  A.) A mother fucker  B.) A brutish, liberal thug who’s out to get President Trump  C.) Never sober  D.)  Leading an unwarranted witch hunt against Donald Trump  E.)  All of the above

6.) Reality is:  A.) Whatever Donald Trump says it is  B.) Not anything the liberal media says it is  C.) A fluent, movable thing that rarely is the same thing two days in a row  D.) Based solely on opinion and nothing more  E.) All of the above

7.) Donald Trump is orange because:  A.) He eats a lot of carrots  B.) All superior human beings are orange  C.) It’s Putin’s favorite color  D.) He isn’t really orange, you idiot.  You’re eyes are just playing tricks on you  E.) He gets peed on a lot

8.) Christmas is:  A.) Something Muslims hate  B.) A capitalist’s wet dream  C.) A time to not give gifts to people you hate so they’ll REALLY know you hate them  D.) Warred on yearly by non-believing, atheist bastards  E.) All of the above

9.) Canada is:  A.) America’s biggest enemy  B.) A country filled with weenies  C.) A country filled with oddballs who talk funny  D.) Physically too close to America for comfort  E.) All of the above

10.) Alternate facts are:  A.) The only true facts  B.) True only when a spokesperson for Donald Trump states them  C.) Preferable over true facts  D.)  Not alternate so much as real  E.) All of the above