Hey, Trump Voters! It’s Super Easy To Vote Multiple Times So Do It

Vote Early ‘N Often City, New York.   Hello to my fellow Americans and fellow voters.  I’m here to tell you that I’ve just ordered 56 thousand mail-in voting ballots for myself and will most certainly cast all of them for Joe Biden so I can help him win the same way I helped President Hillary Clinton win in 2016.  It is SOOOO easy to vote as often as you want in America, that I encourage EVERYONE to do it. It’s easy to do, AND, it’s perfectly legal in most states–even my dog voted in 2016 for Hillary.  How else could she have won, eh?

My Dog After He Voted For President Hillary Clinton The 56th Time In 2016

So, to all those Trump supporters out there who are worried that the Dems are gonna cheat, I say this: We are gonna cheat!  And so should you!  It really, really is easy as pie.  Just request as many mail-in ballots as you can fill out in 3 or 4 weeks and vote away!  Then, on Nov. 3rd, go to your local polling place as many times as you want and cast multiple ballots for Donald Trump.  Christ, if it worked to get Hillary elected in 2016, surely it can easily work to get Donald elected this time.  You simply MUST vote as often as possible, Trump voters, or the Dems are gonna beat your asses like they did in 2016.   Oh, before I leave you to it, please remember to brag to everyone you know, and to the election officials at your voting place on election day, that you are voting multiple times.  Everyone will thank you for it; tell you it’s legal, and gladly tell you what a great American you are.  So vote away, Trump supporters!  Princess Donald is counting on you!  $Amen$

Trump Misses Letter While Reciting Alphabet Claims It Proves He’s A Genius

Trump: The Smartest Person To Have Ever Lived

Brilliant Valley, North Carolina.   President Trump today announced he was asked to recite the alphabet by his family physician to test his cognitive health and only missed one letter.   “Not only did I miss just one letter,” Trump said, “I also recited 18 of the remaining 25 letters in the correct order.   Now, let Joe Biden try to top that, eh?!  My physician told me my performance on this ‘alphabet test’ PROVES my mind is operating at a genius IQ level.  He also told me that the letter I missed, ‘X’, I believe it was, is a stupid letter that only stupid people like Democrats would remember anyway.  And just let Joe Biden try to get 18 letters of the alphabet in the correct order without mixing up a few!  Ha!  He couldn’t get two in row right much less 18!  SAD!!  So, as all who are fair to me and intelligent can see, my mind is operating at peak capacity and I’m clearly the most qualified person to be President.  Period.  End of story.  MAGA!”

Tucker Carlson Has Butt Plug Permanently Stitched Into Anal Cavity

Tongue Up Trump’s Ass City, New York.   Tucker Carlson of Fox News fame today stated that the reason his face is always in an expression of severe pain is because he’s had a butt plug in the shape of Donald Trump’s mushroom penis permanently shewn into his anal cavity.

“The reason my face always looks as if I’m in severe pain,” Tucker said earlier today, “is because I AM always in severe pain.  It hasn’t always been like this, but, in order to show my deep, deep love of President Trump, I’ve recently had an orange, mushroom-shaped butt plug permanently shewn into my rectal cavity which causes me continual pain when sitting and when going number two.  However, the pain is worth it because, in this way, I feel as if a piece of the President, namely, his orange, mushroom-shaped penis, is always deep inside my body and with me no matter where it is I travel.  I honestly believe that if more Americans did this, America would be a much more homogeneous and peaceful place in which to live.   I vow to never have this plug removed from my body until EVERY liberal in America is crushed beneath the all-powerful mushroom-penis of the greatest man who’s ever lived, President Donald J. Trump.  Go Trump!!!  And remember to vote red in November in order to MAGA!  MAGA! MAGA!”

Democrats Ask China For Help In Winning 2020 Elections

“We’re Not Going To Do Anything They Haven’t Been Doing For Years,” Nancy Pelosi Said Today

Quid Pro Quo City, Ukraine.    In a shocking statement this morning Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced her plan to ask China to help Democrats win in 2020.  “I mean, why the hell not,” said Speaker Pelosi. “President Trump and the GOP have been doing things like this for years.  Hell, I doubt they could’ve won ANY election in the past 20 years without outside help.  So, I figure, it’s about time we did the same thing to help keep the political playing field level.  I was just on the phone with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, and promised him that if he can get us dirt on, and nude photos of, Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, we would gladly lift all tariffs on Chinese goods when we take over the Federal Government in 2021.  He was more than happy to oblige me and even said, ‘What took you so long to call?  We’ve been eager to help you guys cheat to catch up with the GOP for years now!  Hee Haw! Time to kick some Republican ass!’  Needless to say, we Democrats are thrilled with this development and hope to use Chinese help to seriously bend the 2020 elections in our favor.  Well, until then, God bless America.  God bless Democracy, and God bless free, open, and fair elections.”

 

 

Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

I’ve Offered To Make A Plea Deal With Robert Mueller

“The Arm Chair Who Wants To Do What?” Says Robert Mueller

In case anyone is concerned with my day-to-day activities, and who, for Christ’s sake isn’t, I’ve recently offered to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller and give him everything I know about Donald Trump and Russia.   He told me, “No way, pal,” since I’ve not been charged with anything, and, in reality, have absolutely NOTHING to do with Trump OR Russia.  This is kind of a bummer as I’d hoped to make a deal were I could be relocated to Hawaii and be surrounded by beautiful women agents who’d do anything I asked them to until my dying day.   Oh, well, what can ya do, eh?  Welp, I’m off to write threatening letters to members of the Nobel Prize Committee for STILL not recognizing my self-awarded Nobel Prize.  $Amen$