Quid Pro Quo City, Ukraine. In a shocking statement this morning Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced her plan to ask China to help Democrats win in 2020. “I mean, why the hell not,” said Speaker Pelosi. “President Trump and the GOP have been doing things like this for years. Hell, I doubt they could’ve won ANY election in the past 20 years without outside help. So, I figure, it’s about time we did the same thing to help keep the political playing field level. I was just on the phone with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, and promised him that if he can get us dirt on, and nude photos of, Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, we would gladly lift all tariffs on Chinese goods when we take over the Federal Government in 2021. He was more than happy to oblige me and even said, ‘What took you so long to call? We’ve been eager to help you guys cheat to catch up with the GOP for years now! Hee Haw! Time to kick some Republican ass!’ Needless to say, we Democrats are thrilled with this development and hope to use Chinese help to seriously bend the 2020 elections in our favor. Well, until then, God bless America. God bless Democracy, and God bless free, open, and fair elections.”
As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States. Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it. Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.
1.) A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.
2.) A hairless cat named Bill.
3.) 2 goldfish. One was alive.
4.) The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.
5.) A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.
6.) A Playboy magazine from 1985. It was, however, missing the centerfold.
7.) A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.
8.) A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.
9.) My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.
10.) A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.
Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me. And we all know how THAT’S turned out. Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me. Hopefully, he will. I’ll let you know.
In case anyone is concerned with my day-to-day activities, and who, for Christ’s sake isn’t, I’ve recently offered to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller and give him everything I know about Donald Trump and Russia. He told me, “No way, pal,” since I’ve not been charged with anything, and, in reality, have absolutely NOTHING to do with Trump OR Russia. This is kind of a bummer as I’d hoped to make a deal were I could be relocated to Hawaii and be surrounded by beautiful women agents who’d do anything I asked them to until my dying day. Oh, well, what can ya do, eh? Welp, I’m off to write threatening letters to members of the Nobel Prize Committee for STILL not recognizing my self-awarded Nobel Prize. $Amen$
Yes. Yes they are. And here’s why. Let me tell you a story. It’s about me and a friend I had when I was a kid. His name was Erin. I met Erin when we were about 6 or 7 years old. Erin lived on my block and we hung out a lot playing games and such. I often was invited to Erin’s home for dinner and to watch TV after school. I thought Erin’s folks were great people, especially his dad. His dad was one of the nicest, coolest guys I ever met in my 7 years of life up to that point. He raised German Shepard puppies, gave us cake and cookies when I came over, and was, as far as I could tell, very loving to his wife, Erin’s mom. He was also a Neo-Nazi who had a giant swastika hanging over his collection of WW2 firearms which he kept in a display case in the living room for all to see. And, though I didn’t know what it was at the time, he often dressed in an S.S. uniform when he was at home. Why, I don’t really know, but he did.
Now, as a little kid, I had no idea what any of this stuff meant. I just liked Erin and his really nice, cool dad cause he was so nice to me. Later, when I got older, about 16 or 17, I think, and understood what Nazis were and that they weren’t the greatest folks around, I asked Erin’s dad why he decided to be one and support their ideas. He sat me down and told me how awful Jews and blacks were, how evil and dangerous they were, and how we white people had to do all we could to protect ourselves and our country from them. At that point, I thought to myself that no matter how nice he’d always been to me, Erin’s dad was, in fact, an a-hole. Deep down inside, no matter what wondrous things he’d done for Erin, Erin’s mom, and the cute German Shepard puppies he always had around, he was, because of his ideology about Nazis, a real a-hole. Though I’m not saying they are as bad as Nazis, not yet anyway, I feel the same thing can be said today of Trump supporters. No matter how nice they are to their pets, children, and elderly parents; no matter how many college degrees they have or what high paying, important jobs they may have, they are, deep down, true a-holes for supporting Trump and his insipidly disgusting political agenda.
Trump and his supporters are hurting the country, hurting the world, and hurting me and things I value as an American. I truly do not give a darn about how many degrees they have, how many Mexican and black friends they have, how many babies they kiss, how many kitties they rescue from trees or how many puppies and orphans they’re providing foster homes for. If they support Trump, and what he stands for, they’re a-holes. What Trump and his minions are doing is causing long-term damage to not only our country and our democracy, but to the world and our standing in it.
It’s time for Trump and his kiddies to be told to put down the tinder, matches and gasoline and learn to play nice with others or be made to, by as much force as can legally be applied. I’m not a “liberal.” I don’t care about hurting people’s feelings or being understanding of the misunderstood and wrongly persecuted Trump supporter. See, just like Trump and his most fervent minions, I shoot from the hip. I tell it like it is. I say the things about the long-suffering Trump supporter that others won’t. Why? Because I’m right about them, and they need to be said without apology and without being watered down into a sad, whining liberal attempt to “understand the other side’s point of view.” I understand it just fine, and it’s horribly, horribly wrong and damaging.
I’ve learned how to act, politically speaking, from Trump and his sycophants. I’ve become a mean, angry bastard who wants to drain the swamp of Trump and his supporters so I, and the rest of the world, can sleep more peacefully at night, free of nightmares about nuclear apocalypses and environmental catastrophes. So, like Trump and his followers, I’m breaking with the norms and grabbin’ Trump supporters by their metaphorical pussies to shake ’em the f$$k up. Hell, I’m even campaigning members of Congress to build detention centers along the Southern border with FEMA money in order to lock Trump supporters and their kids in them because I’m…well…I’m different; I tell it like it is, and I shoot from the hip. I learned how to do all these things from Trump and his supporters. Ain’t they nice? I think so. But maybe that’s because, like them, I’m an a-hole.
This had me laughing so hard I peed a little. Spot on satire. NOW That’s What I Call Racist
QAnon Village, Ohio. Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three. “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes. We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him. We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes. Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager. He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too. We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way. So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal. You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city. See you soon. And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”