OAN City, Utah. President-elect Joe Biden today used some of the evil powers he’s gained over the years from worshiping Satan to return Hugo Chavez from the dead in order to place him in charge of the CIA. “Yeah, I figured, what the fuck,” Biden said earlier,” why not use some of the evil powers I have as a Satan worshiper and a Democrat to return Mr. Chavez from the dead in order to have him do my bidding in the CIA. Hugo is SOOOOO glad to be alive again, I’m certain he will do whatever evil thing I and my fellow leftist Democrats instruct him to do. So, LOOK OUT, former President Trump and Trump supporters! I, and Hugo Chavez, are comin’ for ya! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!”
Phake News City, New Hampshire. In stunning and miraculous news today a photograph of the newly born Christ child was found in a bathroom in a Denny’s restaurant in Jerusalem by a tourist named Betty Grabmacrotch. “I was squatting over a disgustingly dirty toilet to pee,” Ms. Grabmacrotch said earlier today, “when I noticed an odd looking piece of paper sticking out of the toilet paper dispensary. When I pulled it out, I heard the sound of a thousand angels singing, and several toilets flushing, and, I swear this is true, the paper literally vibrated in my hand as I touched it. When I looked down at it, I immediately knew I was looking at a picture of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on the day of his birth. I knew this was true because of how beautiful the child was in the picture and because I heard angels singing when I pulled it out of the dispensary. Yes, I know photography was not around at the time of Christ’s birth, but we are dealing here with JESUS and the laws of time and space have no bearing on him or on those who believe in him. Also, the child in this photo is so beautiful, so lovely, so radiant with love, empathy, joy, and peace, it can be of no one else but Jesus on the day of his birth. Just look at it and tell me it can be anything BUT that!” The photo below is the picture Ms. Grabmacrotch found in the bathroom. Look at it, and decide for yourself whether or not it is, indeed, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on the day of his birth. $Amen$
Of the many wonderful things I’ve learned during the past four years of the Trump Administration, the fact that alternative facts exist and are true if they can’t be proven false is my most cherished. To honor this wonderful tidbit of information, I’ve compiled a list of ten alternative facts I’ve pulled from my arse that are obviously true because no one will ever be able to prove they’re not. As you read through them, remember this: just because a fact is alternate to what you perceive as reality does not, in any way, make it any less a fact or any less true. $Amen$
10.) Gravity is fake news. It isn’t real. The real reason we don’t fly off of the Earth is because Jesus is personally holding each of us onto it with His warm, loving hands.
9.) Dogs are really cats that bark.
8.) Democrats were put on Earth by Satan to torment Christians by eating their children in pizza parlor basements throughout the country.
7.) Barrack Obama is both a devout Muslim AND a rampant, angry atheist who hates people of all faiths.
6.) Fish don’t exist. We only think they do because the liberal media keeps telling us they do. Assholes!
5.) The Earth is neither flat or round. It is triangle shaped and is carried around the galaxy on the back of a big hairless dog named Poochie.
4.) Donald Trump easily won the 2020 Presidential election by 700 billion votes.
3.) Old MacDonald never owned a farm. He was a gay hairdresser who lived in Queens in the 1960’s.
2.) The itsy bitsy spider was actually 28 ft long and feasted on children all throughout England from 1687 until it was finally killed with a stick of dynamite by a Catholic nun named Bertha in the Spring of 1979.
1.) Humpty Dumpty was, indeed, put back together after his near fatal fall and became a shoe cobbler in Northern Ireland until the day he died in 1789. The remnants of his shell were then used to fertilize the garden were Jack planted the bean stalk that he climbed to rob a sky giant who never bothered a fucking person until Jack decided to rob him of his gold.
Moscow, Russia. Vladimir Putin today issued a statement expressing his severe displeasure in his minion, American President, Donald Trump, for losing the 2020 election. “I worked my ass off to help Trump win this election so I could continue to have him do my bidding as I work to rebuild the Soviet Union, and he has severely fucked up,” Putin stated. “I told him to at least make pretend to take Covid-19 seriously, and he refused to do so. Also, I demanded that he tell his followers to embrace mail-in voting so they could aggressively vote early, for almost a month, and he refused to listen to me. His failure to follow my simple orders has cost him this election and has severely slowed my quest to rapidly turn all of Europe into a new Soviet State. I will be demanding Donald come visit me so I can take him over my powerful Russian knee and spank his entitled, orange, spoiled-rotten ass until it beats red with pain. You are going to be punished, Donald, because you’ve made your Uncle Putin very, very angry! Now, get your fat ass over to Russia so I can spank it. Hard!”