Naked City, North Carolina. X-rated film star, Stormy Daniels released a police sketch today of a man she claims threatened her to keep quiet about an affair she had several years ago with Donald Trump. “It was terrifying,” Ms. Daniels said earlier. “The man walked up to my car, as I and my infant child were getting in it, and released a blood-curdling yell while gazing up at the moon. He must have been well over seven feet tall, and his body was covered with thick, matted hair. He looked down at me and leaned in very close to my face. His breath was rancid, and a foul, putrid smell radiated from him.
Police Sketch Of Man Stormy Daniels Says Threatened Her To Keep Quiet About Donald Trump
‘You keep mouth shut ’bout sex with Mr. Trump,’ he told me. ‘If you no stay quiet, me come back, and me do awful, awful things to you and your baby! Me serious! OK?’ I told him, ‘OK’, and he ran off at a speed which must have been close to 30 miles an hour. Let me tell you, that is NOT the kind of thing one forgets. So I’m very confident that the sketch we released today is about as close to 100% accurate as you can get. If anyone sees or knows who this man is, I ask you to please call my lawyer and tell him. If it pans out that you are correct, and it is indeed the man we’re looking for, you will be given 100 thousand dollars.”
Donald Trump As The Orange Panther
Hollywood California. Because of the great success of the movie Black Panther, now in theaters, Donald Trump has decided to make a movie about himself called Orange Panther. “Look,” President Trump said earlier today, “black people are not the only minorities out there who want to see themselves represented on screen in movies. As an orange person, I find it rather offensive that people of my color aren’t represented more in films. I’ve lived most of my life as if I were a super hero anyway, so making a super hero movie about it will be easy. Throughout my life, as I’ve dealt with great prejudice due to my skin color, I’ve always fought crime wherever and whenever it reared its ugly head. Many do not know this, but I was born with the speed and agility of a cat. The minute I came out of my mother’s womb, I leapt about the hospital delivery room looking for a litter box as if I were a cat that greatly needed to pee. As a toddler, I fought evil in my preschool by scratching out the eyes of any kid who crossed me. Now, as a grown up, I often dress up in my super-duper powered cat suit to stop people from having premarital sex. I stealthily walk along the outside ledges of skyscrapers peeking into bedroom windows in search of unwed people having sex. When I find them, I use my super cat vision to check their fingers for wedding rings. If they’re not wearing them, I crash through the window, pee on the culprits with my super powered cat-scented pee, then leap back out of the broken window hissing like the kitty cat I am.
So, as you can see, I’ve already been living the life of a super hero in my day-to-day life ever since I was a youth. To make the film, I’ll simply have a camera man follow me about on my late night crime fighting adventures and film them as they happen–reality TV meets the super hero genre, BIGLY TIME! I already have the cat suit, the powers, and I’m orange, so special effects will not be needed. I’m hoping to release the movie on October 31st so it can open on Halloween. Cats are really popular on that day, so the movie will make tons of money. It is time for orange people to be represented in films, and, by God, I’m going to be the one to do it. So clear your calendar for Halloween of this year because it’s gonna be a historic moment in film you will not want to miss. MEOW!!
The following Arm Chair Pontificator produced movies about Donald Trump will be released this year. I produced them because I feel Donald Trump is a spiffy keen fella who simply doesn’t get enough press.
1.) Since It Was There, I Had The Right To Grab It. This film is directed by Francis Ford Coppola and stars Ed Asner as Donald Trump. It consists of a series of vignettes showing Trump grabbing various women by their genitals and shouting, “I’m famous, so I get to do this!” When the women complain about this, we cut to closeups of Republican congress members covering their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and/or simply shrugging their shoulders and walking away. The film ends with Trump firing Robert Mueller and Republicans having a kegger party on the White House lawn to celebrate. It will be released this March and will be rated “G” so it can be enjoyed by the whole family.
Ed Asner as Donald Trump
2.) Republicans, Pedophiles, And Christianity. This film is directed by Roman Polanski and stars Harvey Weinstein as Trump, Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell and Bruce Willis as Roy Moore. It’s a road picture with our three leads traveling across the country handing out bibles, hitting on underage girls, and spreading the word of Christ to everyone they meet. Along the way they kick the asses of snowflake liberals and social justice warriors who believe sexual predators and pedophiles should not be running the country. This film is a laugh a minute, and if you don’t think pedophiles and right-wing, theocratic Christians can peacefully co-exist, you will after you see this. It’s rated “R” because of the intense sexual nature of some of the scenes and will be released just in time for Memorial Day. Don’t miss it!
“It wuz da Demmocwats who did it,” says Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell
3.) Rich Daddy, Spoiled Donny. This little gem is directed by Stephen Spielberg and stars Bela Lugosi’s corpse as Donald Trump’s father, Frederick, and comedian Carrot Top as the young Donald. The film consists of dozens of scenes of Donald asking his father to: 1.) Get him out of the draft for Vietnam (5 times). 2.) Help him pay off millions of dollars of debt for making idiotic business decisions (17 or 18 times). 3.) Pay for prostitutes to pee on him and/or spank him with rolled up copies of Forbes magazine (too many times to count). 4.) Give him multiple buildings in Manhattan worth tens of millions of dollars apiece without having to lift a finger to earn them. 5.) Make the many lawsuits against him for not paying his employees simply “go away” without any questions asked. Watch Donald throw hissy-fits every time his father tries to deny him a request. Watch as Donald pouts, cries, shouts, and breaks things until his father caves in to his every demand. This is a harrowing tale of how a very, very rich man turned his son into a spoiled rotten, impish man-child by giving in to his every demand no matter how extreme or obscene. Keep the kiddies at home for this one folks. Only the most mature audience members will be able to witness the creation of the infantile brat who now leads America without coming away with a severe case of clinical depression. The film is rated NC17 for this reason and will be released at the end of August.
Carrot Top as the young Donald Trump
As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet. Who are we to doubt ’em, eh? What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history. Here are but a few.
The great Julius Caesar said this as he first entered Gaul: “I’m not a racist! I’m not killing and enslaving millions of you Gauls because of your race. I merely want your country, and you are resisting me. But truly, I’m NOT doing this because of your race. Again, I’m NOT a racist. I’m more non-racist than any other conquer you’ll ever meet. Really, I am. Really.”
Charlemagne was known to say this of the pagans he was converting to Christianity: “Stories about my racism are greatly exaggerated. Yes, I’m traveling into non-Christian areas and killing pagans who will not convert. BUT, I’m NOT killing them based on their race. They only die if they won’t convert, and this is a good thing. Non-Christians are the bane of existence and viewed by the All Loving Jesus as horrid wretches who deserve painful deaths and an eternity of suffering in Hell. So, as you can see, I’m very, very non-racist. OK?”
Martin Luther very simply once said of Jews, “I don’t hate Jews because I’m a racist. I hate them because they’re nasty, evil, conniving little shits who don’t believe in Jesus. I rest my case.”
And finally, the biggest non-racist in history, next to Donald Trump that is, Adolph Hitler had this to say on racism: “Never in the history of humanity has there been a more non-racist person than me. I love ALL people. Do I love Jews? Of course not. Why? Because they’re not people. They’re animals. Thus, in light of this fact, I’m not racist and have never hurt another human being in any way, ever. Really, I haven’t. I mean that. You believe me, right?”
Pilgrims Like These Will Soon Be Banned From Entering America
Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts. Donald Trump today announced he is implementing a pilgrim travel ban that will go into effect the day before Thanksgiving. “Look,” President Trump said earlier, “we all can agree that the original pilgrims who came to America were bad hombres. Our great nation has not been the same since their arrival. When rapists and genocidal maniacs are allowed to enter a country, nothing good can come from it. Thus, I’m enacting a pilgrim travel ban to stop any future pilgrims from entering and polluting our country like the first pilgrims did back in the day. I’m also calling for a great big wall to be built all around America to detour any pilgrims from trying to illegally enter the country and sell drugs to our children. Thanksgiving is a day for Americans to celebrate American values and eat turkey. It is NOT a day to celebrate pilgrims and the anti-American sentiments they represent. The ban will go into effect on midnight the day before Thanksgiving. If anyone sees any pilgrims after the ban goes into effect, please notify your local authorities so they can be promptly arrested and sent back to whatever rock it is they crawled out from. Happy Thanksgiving, and may the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, keep you and your family safe and free of pilgrims throughout this holiday season.”