Cleveland, Ohio. President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July. “Fuck England,” Trump said. “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it! I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly. The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica. Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT! God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”
Washington, D.C. Just a day after former FBI Director James Comey gave his testimony about Donald Trump to Congress, he was found dead in an alley behind the White House with 6 bullets in his head. “This is an obvious suicide,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer. “Clearly, Mr. Comey was distraught after telling all those horrible lies to Congress about his conversations with President Trump. He must have immediately regretted his words, gotten drunk, purchased a .38 caliber pistol, wandered into an alley behind the White House, and shot himself 6 times in the head. SAD! Isn’t it? This shocking and tragic act by Mr. Comey proves, without any possibility of doubt, that President Trump is the most innocent, most persecuted, most unfairly judged President who has ever, ever lived. President Trump, and those closest to him, would like to send their condolences to Mr. Comey’s family and friends, but they can’t because they’re so fuckin’ happy he’s dead. Good riddance, ya’ lyin’ bastard, ya’.”
Trenton, New Jersey. Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass. “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue. We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage. What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them? What need has a slave for health insurance? If one gets sick or dies, so what. You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.
There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay. With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want. And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want. The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery. Nothing good has come of it. The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough. It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.
Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”
1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies. Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind. Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka. Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him. Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.
2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie. Go to Moscow. Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you. Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl. Place some premixed pie dough into bowl. Mix. Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States). Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees. Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this. Let cookies cool. Enjoy.
3.) Lying Bastard Soup. Eat a bowl of soup in a public place. Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life. If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news. Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.
4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew. Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper. “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew. Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew. Stir in with spoon. Eat.
5.) Fascist Fried Steak. Order a steak well done at a restaurant. When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly. Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter. Get another waiter to take your order. Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else. Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.
6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza. Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people. When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza. Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up. Take out a slice and eat it. (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience. It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit. Let the audience order their own if they want some.)
7.) Impotent President Pudding. Make a pot of rice pudding. Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill. Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably. Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter. Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.
8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie. Place an apple pie in the oven. Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin. Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever. Remove pie from oven. Let cool. Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag. You’ve now made America great again.
9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger. While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel. Let gel “harden”. Place raw hamburger meat into mold. Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Remove meat and place on bun. Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.
10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf. Make a meatloaf. Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm). Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth. Bark like a puppy every time you catch one. Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.
New Moscow, New York. Donald Trump today, claiming it had NOTHING to do with Russia, signed an executive order declaring this song to be the new American National anthem: Russia National anthem Russian & English lyrics – YouTube