The following Arm Chair Pontificator produced movies about Donald Trump will be released this year. I produced them because I feel Donald Trump is a spiffy keen fella who simply doesn’t get enough press.
1.) Since It Was There, I Had The Right To Grab It. This film is directed by Francis Ford Coppola and stars Ed Asner as Donald Trump. It consists of a series of vignettes showing Trump grabbing various women by their genitals and shouting, “I’m famous, so I get to do this!” When the women complain about this, we cut to closeups of Republican congress members covering their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and/or simply shrugging their shoulders and walking away. The film ends with Trump firing Robert Mueller and Republicans having a kegger party on the White House lawn to celebrate. It will be released this March and will be rated “G” so it can be enjoyed by the whole family.
Ed Asner as Donald Trump
2.) Republicans, Pedophiles, And Christianity. This film is directed by Roman Polanski and stars Harvey Weinstein as Trump, Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell and Bruce Willis as Roy Moore. It’s a road picture with our three leads traveling across the country handing out bibles, hitting on underage girls, and spreading the word of Christ to everyone they meet. Along the way they kick the asses of snowflake liberals and social justice warriors who believe sexual predators and pedophiles should not be running the country. This film is a laugh a minute, and if you don’t think pedophiles and right-wing, theocratic Christians can peacefully co-exist, you will after you see this. It’s rated “R” because of the intense sexual nature of some of the scenes and will be released just in time for Memorial Day. Don’t miss it!
“It wuz da Demmocwats who did it,” says Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell
3.) Rich Daddy, Spoiled Donny. This little gem is directed by Stephen Spielberg and stars Bela Lugosi’s corpse as Donald Trump’s father, Frederick, and comedian Carrot Top as the young Donald. The film consists of dozens of scenes of Donald asking his father to: 1.) Get him out of the draft for Vietnam (5 times). 2.) Help him pay off millions of dollars of debt for making idiotic business decisions (17 or 18 times). 3.) Pay for prostitutes to pee on him and/or spank him with rolled up copies of Forbes magazine (too many times to count). 4.) Give him multiple buildings in Manhattan worth tens of millions of dollars apiece without having to lift a finger to earn them. 5.) Make the many lawsuits against him for not paying his employees simply “go away” without any questions asked. Watch Donald throw hissy-fits every time his father tries to deny him a request. Watch as Donald pouts, cries, shouts, and breaks things until his father caves in to his every demand. This is a harrowing tale of how a very, very rich man turned his son into a spoiled rotten, impish man-child by giving in to his every demand no matter how extreme or obscene. Keep the kiddies at home for this one folks. Only the most mature audience members will be able to witness the creation of the infantile brat who now leads America without coming away with a severe case of clinical depression. The film is rated NC17 for this reason and will be released at the end of August.
Carrot Top as the young Donald Trump
As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet. Who are we to doubt ’em, eh? What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history. Here are but a few.
The great Julius Caesar said this as he first entered Gaul: “I’m not a racist! I’m not killing and enslaving millions of you Gauls because of your race. I merely want your country, and you are resisting me. But truly, I’m NOT doing this because of your race. Again, I’m NOT a racist. I’m more non-racist than any other conquer you’ll ever meet. Really, I am. Really.”
Charlemagne was known to say this of the pagans he was converting to Christianity: “Stories about my racism are greatly exaggerated. Yes, I’m traveling into non-Christian areas and killing pagans who will not convert. BUT, I’m NOT killing them based on their race. They only die if they won’t convert, and this is a good thing. Non-Christians are the bane of existence and viewed by the All Loving Jesus as horrid wretches who deserve painful deaths and an eternity of suffering in Hell. So, as you can see, I’m very, very non-racist. OK?”
Martin Luther very simply once said of Jews, “I don’t hate Jews because I’m a racist. I hate them because they’re nasty, evil, conniving little shits who don’t believe in Jesus. I rest my case.”
And finally, the biggest non-racist in history, next to Donald Trump that is, Adolph Hitler had this to say on racism: “Never in the history of humanity has there been a more non-racist person than me. I love ALL people. Do I love Jews? Of course not. Why? Because they’re not people. They’re animals. Thus, in light of this fact, I’m not racist and have never hurt another human being in any way, ever. Really, I haven’t. I mean that. You believe me, right?”
Pilgrims Like These Will Soon Be Banned From Entering America
Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts. Donald Trump today announced he is implementing a pilgrim travel ban that will go into effect the day before Thanksgiving. “Look,” President Trump said earlier, “we all can agree that the original pilgrims who came to America were bad hombres. Our great nation has not been the same since their arrival. When rapists and genocidal maniacs are allowed to enter a country, nothing good can come from it. Thus, I’m enacting a pilgrim travel ban to stop any future pilgrims from entering and polluting our country like the first pilgrims did back in the day. I’m also calling for a great big wall to be built all around America to detour any pilgrims from trying to illegally enter the country and sell drugs to our children. Thanksgiving is a day for Americans to celebrate American values and eat turkey. It is NOT a day to celebrate pilgrims and the anti-American sentiments they represent. The ban will go into effect on midnight the day before Thanksgiving. If anyone sees any pilgrims after the ban goes into effect, please notify your local authorities so they can be promptly arrested and sent back to whatever rock it is they crawled out from. Happy Thanksgiving, and may the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, keep you and your family safe and free of pilgrims throughout this holiday season.”
Solar Eclipse Is Prejudice Against Whites, Says President Trump
Golf Town, USA. President Trump said today that the only reason the solar eclipse is popular is because it’s black. “This is racism against whites, pure and simple,” Trump said earlier. “If the solar eclipse were white, no one would even bother to mention it, much less look at it. What, do white eclipse lives NOT matter? Must an eclipse be black in order for people to care about it? Utter and complete racism. It’s sickening how the fake, liberal media and the anti-fascists are going on about today’s eclipse. ‘Oh, look how cool it is,’ they say. ‘It’s just SO awesome and amazing!’ I’ve had enough. I’m going to go have some ice cream and watch Fox News, the only news station not covering this despicably racist event. Goodbye and Sieg Heil.”
His Side Had A Valid Point, Too, Says Donald Trump
Nazi Land, USA. Donald Trump today said that Adolf Hitler had a perfectly valid point in his desire to kill every living Jew and become ruler of the Western world. “All sides that were involved in WW2 did awful things,” Trump said earlier. “The Allies bombed the f**k out of Berlin for years. Was that nice? Should Hitler have simply accepted what was happening, or should he have fought back? For Christ’s sake, the Allies INVADED Hitler’s country in order to bomb it! How is that OK? It isn’t. All sides involved in WW2 are equally responsible for the horrors of that war. It saddens me that more God-fearing Americans do not see this. Well, at least my sycophants in the Republican Party do. I thank Jesus for them every day. They put me where I am, and, for the most part, they love and support me and all I do. God bless ’em. And God bless the poor, and sadly misunderstood, white supremacists who are my staunchest supporters. With their strength, and God’s love, I can’t help but make America great again. Seig Heil, and Amen!”