Trump To Enact Pilgrim Travel Ban

Pilgrims Like These Will Soon Be Banned From Entering America

Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts.    Donald Trump today announced he is implementing a pilgrim travel ban that will go into effect the day before Thanksgiving.   “Look,” President Trump said earlier, “we all can agree that the original pilgrims who came to America were bad hombres.   Our great nation has not been the same since their arrival.  When rapists and genocidal maniacs are allowed to enter a country, nothing good can come from it.  Thus, I’m enacting a pilgrim travel ban to stop any future pilgrims from entering and polluting our country like the first pilgrims did back in the day.   I’m also calling for a great big wall to be built all around America to detour any pilgrims from trying to illegally enter the country and sell drugs to our children.   Thanksgiving is a day for Americans to celebrate American values and eat turkey.  It is NOT a day to celebrate pilgrims and the anti-American sentiments they represent.   The ban will go into effect on midnight the day before Thanksgiving.   If anyone sees any pilgrims after the ban goes into effect, please notify your local authorities so they can be promptly arrested and sent back to whatever rock it is they crawled out from.  Happy Thanksgiving, and may the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, keep you and your family safe and free of pilgrims throughout this holiday season.”

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A Hulk Rant On Donald Trump

Hulk angry!  Hulk’s President is stupid, dumb orange man, Donald Trump.  Hulk doesn’t like stupid orange man.   Orange man has no respect for women.  Orange man thinks he can grab women by women’s private parts just cause orange man is famous.  ORANGE MAN BAD!!! Hulk SMASH stupid orange man!!!  Orange man give huge tax breaks to his billionaire friends by taking money from poor, old and sick people.  HULK HATE STUPID ORANGE MAN!!!  Stupid people voted for stupid orange man!  Hulk not smart, but Hulk smart enough to know orange man is bad and hurts good people.  Hulk good, so Hulk didn’t vote for stupid orange man.   Stupid orange man voters are bad just like stupid orange man!!!  Orange man call Asian man with bad haircut silly names.  Now Asian man with bad haircut might drop huge bomb on Hulk and people Hulk loves.  HULK HATES STUPID ORANGE MAN!!!  Hulk must go now because stupid orange man make Hulk sick, and Hulk need to rest.  Hulk hope stupid orange man go away soon.  Hulk can’t take much more of this!!  AAARRRGH!!!

 

Trump Claims Solar Eclipse Racist Against Whites

Solar Eclipse Is Prejudice Against Whites, Says President Trump

Golf Town, USA.    President Trump said today that the only reason the solar eclipse is popular is because it’s black.  “This is racism against whites, pure and simple,” Trump said earlier.   “If the solar eclipse were white, no one would even bother to mention it, much less look at it.  What, do white eclipse lives NOT matter?  Must an eclipse be black in order for people to care about it?  Utter and complete racism.   It’s sickening how the fake, liberal media and the anti-fascists are going on about today’s eclipse.  ‘Oh, look how cool it is,’ they say.   ‘It’s just SO awesome and amazing!’  I’ve had enough.  I’m going to go have some ice cream and watch Fox News, the only news station not covering this despicably racist event.  Goodbye and Sieg Heil.”

Trump Declares Hitler Had A Point Too

His Side Had A Valid Point, Too, Says Donald Trump

Nazi Land, USA.   Donald Trump today said that Adolf Hitler had a perfectly valid point in his desire to kill every living Jew and become ruler of the Western world.  “All sides that were involved in WW2 did awful things,” Trump said earlier.  “The Allies bombed the f**k out of Berlin for years.  Was that nice?  Should Hitler have simply accepted what was happening, or should he have fought back?  For Christ’s sake, the Allies INVADED Hitler’s country in order to bomb it!  How is that OK?   It isn’t.  All sides involved in WW2 are equally responsible for the horrors of that war.  It saddens me that more God-fearing Americans do not see this.  Well, at least my sycophants in the Republican Party do.   I thank Jesus for them every day.  They put me where I am, and, for the most part, they love and support me and all I do.   God bless ’em.  And God bless the poor, and sadly misunderstood, white supremacists who are my staunchest supporters.  With their strength, and God’s love, I can’t help but make America great again.  Seig Heil, and Amen!”

Trump Nukes London In Honor Of July 4th

Beautiful, Ain’t It?

Cleveland, Ohio.   President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July.  “Fuck England,” Trump said.  “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it!  I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly.   The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica.  Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT!  God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”

Ask An Infant

Dear Infant, my name is Naked Johnny, and I’ve got a perplexing problem.  I sincerely hope you can help me with it.  I live in an area where there are blacks, Hispanics, gays, strong women, and socialists.  I want to kill them all with my big, Christian guns because that is, as you MUST know, exactly what Jesus wants. Should I do this, or will I face legal issues I won’t be able to defend?
Thanks, Naked Johnny

 

Well, thanks for the question, Naked Johnny. Before I can answer it, however, I must tell you about the feeding problem I just had. I was feeding happily on my mother’s left breast when she abruptly pulled me away and cried, “Enough! My nipple is sore. You’ll have to wait awhile before you can suckle again!” Well, I, being an infant, began to wail like a, you guessed it, a baby, and grabbed repeatedly for her other breast. She eventually caved in and fed me the nectar from her other breast. Thank Jeebus crying worked. Now, for your issue.  Piss off, ya’ big baby!  You’re nothing more than a whining redneck.  Stop being such a hyper sensitive snowflake and learn to play nice with others.  OK?
Hope this helps. Love always, An Infant.