Things Jesus Shoulda Said

1.)  Come near me with that cross and nails and I’ll turn all of you motherf**kers into newts.

2.)  Hey, Judas!  You’re goin’ to Hell, and I literally mean, like, right now.  You pr*ck.

3.)  I ordered this steak RARE!!!  For My Own sake, if this is gonna be my last meal, I want it how I ordered it.  Take this burnt piece of sh*t back and bring me what I ordered.

4.)  Mary Magdalen, trust me, there’s no way you can get pregnant.  It’s impossible for me to impregnate anyone unless I come in the guise of a bird.  Do I look like a f**ckin’ bird to you?!

5.)  Hey, Innkeeper, I hear when my moms and pops came by here to give birth to me you said you had no room and sent ’em to stay in a flea-ridden manger to have me.  I hope you like the smell of horse sh*t cause as of today you’re gonna be covered in it for all eternity.  A**hole.

6.)  Good thing about walkin’ on water is it keeps the bottoms of your feet REALLY clean.

7.)  So, I turned about 200 gallons of water into wine for you nice folks.  That’ll cost ya’, now let me see…800 dollars.  I take Visa, Master Card, and Discover.

8.)  Yeah, my pops is a real d*ck.  He sent me down here thinkin’ I was gonna let the Romans nail my a** to a cross.  Like, right, dude, that’s gonna happen.  Blow me.

9.)  Thomas, if you try to stick your godd*mn fingers into my side one more time, I’m gonna b**ch slap you into next week.

10.)  Peter, I gotta go, dude.  If you want, you can carry on and spread my message to other people:  “Party hardy, folks!  You only live once.”  But, please, Peter, if you do it, don’t f*ck it up by changing it, OK?


30 thoughts on “Things Jesus Shoulda Said

  1. Especially love number 9! 😀


  2. Well, $Amen$ is taken…damn.


  3. Now if those were the things Jesus may have actually said, I’d at least have an ounce of respect for the guy 🙂


  4. He should have left a message for Paul too.


  5. TEN ~ 10 ~ $ ~ 10 ~ TEN ok, so it’s not really ten dollars, I got it done up at the Fed on the way here… I figgered if it works for the banksters it could work for me.


  6. Pingback: Things Jesus Shoulda Said — The Arm Chair Pontificator | cornfedcontessa

  7. Now those quotes would’ve given my first communion catechism a whole different flavour – I bet no one would have fallen asleep!


  8. -Come on all…don’t enslave people!

    -I’m not rubbing your feet with oil. There’s got to be perks to being almighty god.

    -You know that whole snake and apple thing? I’m not going to hold it against you any more.

    -Look, stop expecting me to heal people and shit. Do I look like universal healthcare to you?

    -Later you’re going to have an acid trip of a book in the bible. It’s going to be called the book of revelation. Just ignore that crazy garbage.


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