I Decided…

decisions

1.)  I decided to swim down to the Titanic to see what it looks like up close but gave up because the water was too cold.

2.)  I decided to give up my job as head of the CIA because I never held the position in the first place.

3.)  I decided to become a leading member of the Yakuza, but, since I can’t speak Japanese, they had no idea what I was asking them, so they told me to fuck off.  At least I think that’s what they told me.

4.)  I decided to purchase a wild, hungry tiger as a pet, but, since it ripped off my right arm and ate it, I returned it.

5.)  I decided to dye my skin orange, become a misogynistic, xenophobic racist, run for President, and win.  However, since that’s already been done, I didn’t do it.

6.)  I decided my God was better than all the other gods that people believe in; started a church; got tax exemption for myself and said church, and now I’m a billionaire collecting tax-free money from my followers.  Praise be to my God.

7.)  I decided to wear my KKK outfit out in public this week, and guess what?  No one cared.

8.)  I decided grabbing women by the pussy without their permission was an awesome idea, and guess what?  The President-Elect of the United States agrees with me.

9.)  I decided to be bitten by a radioactive spider so I could become Spiderman.  However, once I exposed the spider to gamma radiation, it died and was unable to bite me.   Thus, I’m still just a fat white guy with no super powers.

10.)  I decided to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers, even the ones fortunate enough to not live in America these days.

 

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