But I Deserved It

childabusedcrying

He hit me

But I deserved it

He raped me

But I led him on

They threw me against a wall

But it was my fault

I cried

Though I shouldn’t have

I once begged for them to stop

But they didn’t

They didn’t because they said

I was bad

And

I

Believed them

He loves me

So I forgive him

When he hits me

I blame myself

I was

Taught that

And

Who

Are

You

To

Question

It?

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19 thoughts on “But I Deserved It

  1. This is SO good. Great writing with real depth ❀

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  2. You sure said a mouthful with this post, my friend. I’m often shocked by this inexplicable attitude among some women towards their abusers. I’ve heard “but I love him” so many times that it makes me sick. I just don’t understand it.

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    • It isn’t just women who say such things. Children, men, the elderly, many abuse victims have been beaten down so long they simply feel they deserve no better. Even fewer protest against it or speak out because we live in a society that blames victims for being victims.

      Liked by 1 person

    • It’s psychological and it goes back to prehistory. Think of all that’s been indoctrinated into people about “god punishes those whom he loves” and the religions built on the blood, sweat and tears of their victims who had no choice but to believe that by suffering on earth, they were being groomed for a life of bliss in heaven. It’s what I was taught and believed until I broke free at 30 years, and still some of it regurgitates itself at times when I should be fighting back. So there’s a lack of continuity, of balance, love one day, hate the next and where do the twain meet? There’s that demon on the left shoulder, that angel on the right, and often the demon makes a lot more sense than the angel but I’ll believe the angel anyway because, well, he’s got to be right, he’s the angel. For me it comes down to programming (or “faith” as it was called in my religion).

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    • Sounds like you were raised Catholic like I was.

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    • Yup… a cat licker in an exclusive cat licking community who got a lot of racist-based lickings not because I wasn’t white or didn’t speak the same language, but because I came from a different country. So, smash, fist in the face: you’re not one of us. Complain to teachers? More punishment. Complain to priest? More punishment. Complain at home? More punishment. Racism? In Canada, you say? Pity! Pity indeed. All the evils of mankind, done by mankind can be sourced to a lack of empathy in the creature’s brain. The creature may be able to express “love” but that changes nothing. Love is very selective, and reciprocative. To express love you need a corresponding amount of hate. There are always two baits in the trap, love and hate, side by side. My view, however jaded in appearance ’cause I believe that if I’ve paid a high enough price for something, I’m entitled to own it. I own my observations.

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    • Well said.

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    • As you would so aptly put it … $Amen$

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Very, very good.

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  4. Created bad, commanded to be good.
    Excellent piece! Can apply to the religious or those in abusive relationships. Is there a difference though?

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  5. That’s one heavy swing of the bat. Nice piece. A dark reality for too many.

    Is this the new Trump policy?

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  6. All right, let’s help eliminate some more Venusian global warming: I really like that poem, but in the spirit of “critique” – I think it’s much more powerful if it’s ended at “I was Taught that” My opinion.

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