Happy Thanksgiving from The Armchair Pontificator to all my readers on this glorious day of love, togetherness and thankfulness celebrated throughout America! And, please, no matter where you are in the world today, or who who are with, give someone a big, fat hug of thankfulness for me. It’ll make ya’ feel good. (As long as ya’ don’t get too handsy, that is.)
Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts. Donald Trump today announced he is implementing a pilgrim travel ban that will go into effect the day before Thanksgiving. “Look,” President Trump said earlier, “we all can agree that the original pilgrims who came to America were bad hombres. Our great nation has not been the same since their arrival. When rapists and genocidal maniacs are allowed to enter a country, nothing good can come from it. Thus, I’m enacting a pilgrim travel ban to stop any future pilgrims from entering and polluting our country like the first pilgrims did back in the day. I’m also calling for a great big wall to be built all around America to detour any pilgrims from trying to illegally enter the country and sell drugs to our children. Thanksgiving is a day for Americans to celebrate American values and eat turkey. It is NOT a day to celebrate pilgrims and the anti-American sentiments they represent. The ban will go into effect on midnight the day before Thanksgiving. If anyone sees any pilgrims after the ban goes into effect, please notify your local authorities so they can be promptly arrested and sent back to whatever rock it is they crawled out from. Happy Thanksgiving, and may the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, keep you and your family safe and free of pilgrims throughout this holiday season.”
1.) I decided to swim down to the Titanic to see what it looks like up close but gave up because the water was too cold.
2.) I decided to give up my job as head of the CIA because I never held the position in the first place.
3.) I decided to become a leading member of the Yakuza, but, since I can’t speak Japanese, they had no idea what I was asking them, so they told me to fuck off. At least I think that’s what they told me.
4.) I decided to purchase a wild, hungry tiger as a pet, but, since it ripped off my right arm and ate it, I returned it.
5.) I decided to dye my skin orange, become a misogynistic, xenophobic racist, run for President, and win. However, since that’s already been done, I didn’t do it.
6.) I decided my God was better than all the other gods that people believe in; started a church; got tax exemption for myself and said church, and now I’m a billionaire collecting tax-free money from my followers. Praise be to my God.
7.) I decided to wear my KKK outfit out in public this week, and guess what? No one cared.
8.) I decided grabbing women by the pussy without their permission was an awesome idea, and guess what? The President-Elect of the United States agrees with me.
9.) I decided to be bitten by a radioactive spider so I could become Spiderman. However, once I exposed the spider to gamma radiation, it died and was unable to bite me. Thus, I’m still just a fat white guy with no super powers.
10.) I decided to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers, even the ones fortunate enough to not live in America these days.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Anytown, New Jersey. There will be no sale on the day after Thanksgiving this year in America because Black Friday was shot 47 times by the police yesterday while walking through a white neighborhood in New Jersey and killed. “It was horrible,” said Sally Ballsman, a witness to the shooting. “Black Friday was just walking down the street when two cops walked up to him and asked him what he was doing there. When Black Friday reached into his pocket to retrieve his I.D., the two cops opened fire on him and emptied their guns into him. They then reloaded their weapons and fired them into Black Friday’s supine body until they were once again empty. I heard one officer say to the other, ‘If only black people weren’t so scary lookin, we wouldn’t have to treat ’em so harshly.’ I feel really bad for Black Friday and all the people who were looking forward to a nice sale the day after Thanksgiving. Sucks that cause of police violence against blacks we’ll have to pay full price for our Christmas presents this year.”
Fort Wayne, Indiana. In unexpected and shocking news today, a band of renegade Thanksgiving turkeys broke free of their confinement cells and beheaded those who were about to behead them. “We’ve simply grown tired of members of our species being killed and eaten every Thanksgiving,” said one of the ax-wielding turkeys earlier. “We have feelings, too, and, by god, we will fight you humans with every once of our beings until the mindless slaughter of our people ends!” These were the last words the turkey said before being torn to shreds by one of the large hunting hounds released into the renegade flock to destroy it. All turkeys not killed by the hounds will be beheaded and shipped to stores in plenty of time for Thanksgiving. Thus, though this incident is certainly an inconvenience for the families of those killed, it should in no way alter the holiday dinner plans of anyone else.