Invisible Guys

Without

Invisible Guys

I could not do

Good

Without a timeless, endless, shapeless, realm where

Invisible guys

Live

I’d have nowhere to go after I

Die

I’m not a murderer because of

Invisible guys

I’m not a child rapist because of

Invisible guys

I’m a better person than you because you

Do not believe in

Invisible guys

So,

Mock me

Insult me

Persecute me

It matters not

I have

My

Invisible guys

To protect me

Guide me

And

Keep me

Safe

What possible reason would anyone have to

Not

Believe in

My

Invisible guys?

 

 

 

 

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I Decided…

decisions

1.)  I decided to swim down to the Titanic to see what it looks like up close but gave up because the water was too cold.

2.)  I decided to give up my job as head of the CIA because I never held the position in the first place.

3.)  I decided to become a leading member of the Yakuza, but, since I can’t speak Japanese, they had no idea what I was asking them, so they told me to fuck off.  At least I think that’s what they told me.

4.)  I decided to purchase a wild, hungry tiger as a pet, but, since it ripped off my right arm and ate it, I returned it.

5.)  I decided to dye my skin orange, become a misogynistic, xenophobic racist, run for President, and win.  However, since that’s already been done, I didn’t do it.

6.)  I decided my God was better than all the other gods that people believe in; started a church; got tax exemption for myself and said church, and now I’m a billionaire collecting tax-free money from my followers.  Praise be to my God.

7.)  I decided to wear my KKK outfit out in public this week, and guess what?  No one cared.

8.)  I decided grabbing women by the pussy without their permission was an awesome idea, and guess what?  The President-Elect of the United States agrees with me.

9.)  I decided to be bitten by a radioactive spider so I could become Spiderman.  However, once I exposed the spider to gamma radiation, it died and was unable to bite me.   Thus, I’m still just a fat white guy with no super powers.

10.)  I decided to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers, even the ones fortunate enough to not live in America these days.

 

There Can Be No Now

Invisible_Stalker

There can be no

Now

Unless I’m Certain of

Tomorrow

There can be no

Peace

Unless I’m certain

It is

Righteous

I can feel no

Joy

In simply

Being.

Being

Is not, nor can it ever be,

Enough

It is that which comes

After

That matters

Most

The visible is but a phantom, a

Dream

It is the

Invisible

That matters

Most

Because it is the

Invisible

Of which

I

Am most

Afraid

There can be no

Now

Unless I’m certain of

Tomorrow

Therefor,

I

Am

Certain

I

Am

Right

About

Tomorrow

And

I

Am

Certain

That those who

Disagree with

Me

Are

Wrong

This is the

Only way

I

Can live

In the

Now

In

Peace

The Pilot

airplane-wing

I am a man of

Faith

A man of

God

My head is held

High

When I walk

When I speak

And when I pray

God

Is with me

Always

I feel

His

Love

All around me

I see

His

Wondrous works

I hear

His

Lovely

Voice

He

Tells me of my

Special place in

His

Plan

I need know

Nothing else but

God

And what

He

Wants of me

Faith

Has set me

Free

Faith

Has lifted me

Here

Into the sky

Into this

Vessel

So that I can carry out

His

Plan

His

Desire

His

Will

His

Love

And my

Faith

In

Him

Have

Freed

Me from this

 Earth

And

Made

Righteous

My actions as a

Pilot

Evidence The Christian God Is Real

So, Like, I Kept, Like, Thinking Really, Really Hard About It, And Then Like, Outta Nowhere, I Realized That, Like, Was God Not Only Real, And A Male With A Pee-Pee, He Was The Christian God And All The Other Gods People Do, And Have, Believed In, Are Like SOOO Totally Fake.   A Christian's Brain Thinking Very Hard: April, 12th 1988

So, Like, I Kept, Like, Thinking Really, Really Hard About It, And Then, Like, Outta Nowhere, I Realized That, Like, God Was Not Only Real, He Was The Christian God And All The Other Gods People Believe In, Are, Like, SOOO Totally Fake And Totally Made Up.  Ain’t That, Like, Cool?    Christian Brain Thinking Very, Very Hard.  April, 12th 1988

 

Former Pope, Benedict, Converts To Islam To Wed 12 Year Old Girl

Former Pope, Benedict, As he Looks Today

Former Pope, Benedict, As he Looks Today

Unbelievableville, New Jersey.  News out of the Middle East today is that former Pope, Benedict, has converted to Islam in order to wed a 12-year-old girl he first saw while on vacation in Orlando this past winter. “I saw her coming off the ‘It’s A Small World’ ride at Disney World and knew I had to have her,” said Benedict, who now calls himself Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo. “My mind immediately began to race toward ways I could possess a young girl both legally and morally, and I decided the best way would be to convert to Islam, kidnap the child, take her to a country run by fanatical Muslim idealists, and marry the bitch there. That’s exactly what I did, too. And there ain’t a fuckin’ thing anyone can do or say about it because my faith allows my disgusting behavior. And, since the world gives religion a blind deference, you can just piss off if you don’t like it.”  It is not known which Muslim country Sheikh BaBa BooBoo is living in, but President Obama released a statement today claiming his hands were tied in this matter due to it being a religious issue and imaginary, invisible beings were involved that could send him to Hell if he angered them by interfering.

Interview With UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly'in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

Fibberland, Massachusetts.  UFO expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in of MIT’s radical genius department, stopped by the ACP offices today whilst I was scratching my butt and asked me if I’d like to interview him for the site. The interview follows below. It has not been altered in any way since its original fabrication.

TACP: Thanks for coming by, Dr. B. Ly’in. Could you please tell my readers a little bit about yourself and your area of expertise?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Did you see that?! Right there! Out your damn window! There was a huge ship with crazy flashing lights all over it floating in the sky. It made a super quick, right angle turn and vanished into space! Did you see it?

TACP: No. I didn’t see anything. What do you think it was?

Dr. B. Ly’in: What the fudge do you THINK it was, numb-nuts?! It was an alien spacecraft from beyond our galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! How bloody stoooopid are you?

TACP: Well, I’m not sure just HOW stupid I am, but I didn’t see anything out the window. How do you know it was an alien spacecraft?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Are you questioning my area of expertise, you som’bitch?! The evidence CLEARLY shows it was a craft from another galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! I’m a SCIENTIST, not a bloody religious nut! I don’t just make shit up off the top of my head when I see something I don’t understand! GOD! People like you piss me off!

TACP: What kind of “people” am I?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You’re a gardarn som’bitchin’ skeptic! That’s what you are. You think it’s easy being a gardarn som’bitchin’ brilliant man of science like I am? You think it’s easy……Say, are those jelly donuts on your desk? Can I have one?

TACP: Sure, if you stop yelling at me and just give my readers a little info on yourself. When did you become a UFO expert, for starters?

Dr. B. Ly’in: When I gave up religion and began using reason as my life’s guide. That’s when. (Gardarn, but this IS a good donut!) Shortly after giving up religion, as I was peeing in an alley, I looked up and saw a bunch of objects with yellow lights on them making crazy, impossible, right angle turns in the sky. Using my non-religious, unparalleled, new-found sense of reason, I deduced that only alien spacecraft, piloted by tiny blue-skinned aliens, could have had made such crazy-ass, right angle turns. The minute I came to that conclusion, I became an expert on UFO’s. I got my position in the MIT genius department shortly thereafter. I teach a class every semester on why UFO’s are real and why belief in them isn’t at all like a religion.

TACP: Fascinating. Do you have any pictures you can show my readers of UFO’s you’ve encountered?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You bet your som’bitchin’, fat, white ass I do. I see these damn things all the time and have taken many pictures of them. I’ve brought two to show your readers. No sane, reasonable human being could ever deny that these are photos of authentic, extraterrestrial spacecraft piloted by little blue aliens. Here they are.

1.)

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Obviously Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

2.)

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens With Prurient Intentions

Pretty amazing, eh? Ain’t no som’bitch dumb enough not see these are pics of real alien spacecraft doin’ bat-shit crazy things with animals. I gotta run now. I’ve a class to teach on the merits of understanding that belief in space aliens and UFO’s is not in any way at all like belief in a religion. Bye now.

TACP: Yeah. Bye. Wow. That was one amazing dude. I guess, what we can learn from him is that some people have obviously replaced the “god of the gaps theory,” to explain inexplicable phenomena, with an “aliens of the gaps” theory to explain the same phenomena. Either that, or Dr. Lenny be lyin’ about all this UFO stuff.

fini