MAGA Hats Have Become Sentient And Violent
Trump City, Russia. In a stunning development, a pile of MAGA hats yesterday attacked, and severely bruised, two liberals who were shopping at a local Target store. “It was awful,” said Bethany Bigbody, one of the liberals attacked. “My friend, Billy Tightcheeks, and I were at Target taking advantage of the Black Friday sales and talking about how much we missed Obama when an entire pile of MAGA hats leaped at us from a hat rack and shouted, ‘DOWN WITH LIBERAL SCUM!’ We were then covered in a sea of MAGA hats that repeatedly smashed their brims against our faces. It was utterly terrifying, and if not for the quick work of a store clerk who grabbed a huge trash bag and tossed the raging hats into it, I’m certain we would have been beaten unconscious or worse. Needless to say, my friend and I will be damned careful what we say from now on when stacks of MAGA hats are nearby.”
Bethany Bigbody With The Black Eye She Received From A Violent Group Of MAGA Hats
When The Armchair Pontificator contacted the Chinese manufacturer of MAGA hats, We Make ‘Em, You Buy ‘Em, for a comment on the violent, and sentient, nature of their hats, we were told to speak with Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who, when we did contact him, promptly threatened to sic a gross of MAGA hats on us if we didn’t stop asking questions. Therefor, we can only suggest, that if you are a liberal, be very careful what it is you say when passing by MAGA hats in stores. You may very well be beaten up if you aren’t.
I Will Tolerate Discrimination No More
Black Friday has filed a discrimination suit against White Christmas stating White Christmas refuses to sit next to him on buses and trains during the cross-country tours the two make together yearly at this time. “I’ve had enough of his discriminatory crap,” an angry Black Friday told reporters today. “White Christmas thinks he can treat me however he wants simply because he’s a Sunday and White, and I’m a Friday and Black. He literally makes me sit at the back of any vehicle we ride in together, and he expects me to carry his luggage for him all the time too. For years now I’ve just done whatever he wanted because my self-esteem was very low. I’m a Friday in a Christian country. Fridays are not the most chipper days with the Christian faithful. Jesus was brutally tortured and crucified on one. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for day of the Christian week, eh? One thing Fridays and the Jews have in common is that Christians blame us both for something we had absolutely nothing to do with, the horrific murder of Jesus. As well, I’m African-American, and getting a fair deal in a country ruled by a powerful bigoted bunch of tight-ass wealthy white people is truly a mother fucking bitch. It’s hard to look on the bright side with stresses like that put on you just because of who you are.
Being Sued For Racial Discrimination
It’s Sundays Christians most love in America, Sundays and things that are white. Jesus resurrected on that day, and all of Jesus’ worshipers gather on that day to kiss his ass for choosing to save them over blokes like me. Just call something white, and it gets immediate acceptance in America. White picket fences around little white houses set next to snow-capped hills are things American fairy tales are written about. But it’s all a bunch of shit made up to keep guys like me feeling guilty about wanting my fair share of the American pie. So I’m taking White Christmas to court, and I’m calling him out for his bigotry and his racial discrimination against me. I’m gonna make that bastard put my kids AND my grand kids through Harvard med school with the money I’m gonna get from him. We’ll see how superior he feels then. Bastard.”
“Hey, man,” says Pepe the Frog, “Why ain’t Black Friday called White Friday?”
Tadpole Town, Oklahoma. Spokesman and symbol for the Alt Right movement, Pepe the Frog, said today it is highly racist and insulting to call the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday. “It feels bad, man,” Pepe said earlier. “Why ain’t the day after Thanksgiving called White Friday? Somethin’ wrong with the color white? Oh, wait! Of course there is. White is the color of the most horribly maligned and abused men in America: xenophobic, racist, misogynistic bigots. What the hell gives people the right to frown on a group of white dudes simply because they’re misogynists, bigots and racists? Prick these men and will they not bleed? Call them names and will they not cry? Give them a black President and will they not feel marginalized and outraged? They are but human, and it’s time they were treated that way.
Every year these poor men must endure the blatant horror that is the day after Thanksgiving: Black Friday. Well, I say enough. Now that we have an orange President who understands the trauma these men have suffered under the color of Barrack Obama’s skin for 8 years, it’s time to do right by ’em and re-name Black Friday, White Friday. Black has had its time in the sun. It’s time to send it back to the 18th century so that the better color, white, can once again dominate every facet of the American life. And what better way is there to help do this then by re-naming Black Friday, White Friday? None that I can think of, that’s for sure.”
Anytown, New Jersey. There will be no sale on the day after Thanksgiving this year in America because Black Friday was shot 47 times by the police yesterday while walking through a white neighborhood in New Jersey and killed. “It was horrible,” said Sally Ballsman, a witness to the shooting. “Black Friday was just walking down the street when two cops walked up to him and asked him what he was doing there. When Black Friday reached into his pocket to retrieve his I.D., the two cops opened fire on him and emptied their guns into him. They then reloaded their weapons and fired them into Black Friday’s supine body until they were once again empty. I heard one officer say to the other, ‘If only black people weren’t so scary lookin, we wouldn’t have to treat ’em so harshly.’ I feel really bad for Black Friday and all the people who were looking forward to a nice sale the day after Thanksgiving. Sucks that cause of police violence against blacks we’ll have to pay full price for our Christmas presents this year.”