Tag Archives: Bible Quotes

10.03.18
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Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40

 

 

 

 

01.08.17
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Bible Quotes Republicans Love

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1.)  “And upon learning that the sickest people in the village had no health insurance, Jesus refused to heal them and they died.”  John 22:4-5

2.)  “After turning the water into wine, Jesus proceeded to grab all the women at the wedding by the pussy because, well, because he was famous, and they could do nothing to stop him.”  Luke 44:8-9

3.)  “Jesus then created a welfare system in which the wealthiest members of society were given free handouts and tax breaks by the Government whilst the poorest members were allowed to suffer in poverty and die.”  Mark 3:67-69

4.)  “Jesus said to the stranger, ‘I cast you out because your skin is of a different hue and you speak with a weird accent.’  After he did this, there was great rejoicing amongst the people.”  Matthew 32:67-69

5.)  “And there shall come a time when King Putin will so completely have his rectum licked by a childish orange oaf that he shall do all in his power to aid the orange oaf into becoming King of his own land.”  Revelation 7:43-45

11.29.16
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Things Jesus Shoulda Said

1.)  Come near me with that cross and nails and I’ll turn all of you motherf**kers into newts.

2.)  Hey, Judas!  You’re goin’ to Hell, and I literally mean, like, right now.  You pr*ck.

3.)  I ordered this steak RARE!!!  For My Own sake, if this is gonna be my last meal, I want it how I ordered it.  Take this burnt piece of sh*t back and bring me what I ordered.

4.)  Mary Magdalen, trust me, there’s no way you can get pregnant.  It’s impossible for me to impregnate anyone unless I come in the guise of a bird.  Do I look like a f**ckin’ bird to you?!

5.)  Hey, Innkeeper, I hear when my moms and pops came by here to give birth to me you said you had no room and sent ’em to stay in a flea-ridden manger to have me.  I hope you like the smell of horse sh*t cause as of today you’re gonna be covered in it for all eternity.  A**hole.

6.)  Good thing about walkin’ on water is it keeps the bottoms of your feet REALLY clean.

7.)  So, I turned about 200 gallons of water into wine for you nice folks.  That’ll cost ya’, now let me see…800 dollars.  I take Visa, Master Card, and Discover.

8.)  Yeah, my pops is a real d*ck.  He sent me down here thinkin’ I was gonna let the Romans nail my a** to a cross.  Like, right, dude, that’s gonna happen.  Blow me.

9.)  Thomas, if you try to stick your godd*mn fingers into my side one more time, I’m gonna b**ch slap you into next week.

10.)  Peter, I gotta go, dude.  If you want, you can carry on and spread my message to other people:  “Party hardy, folks!  You only live once.”  But, please, Peter, if you do it, don’t f*ck it up by changing it, OK?

 

06.18.16
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Lesser Known Quotes From The Bible

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Here are a few quotes from The Bible many folks have never heard of because I just made them up.

1.) And Jesus said unto the pizza delivery boy, “I’m not paying for this, dude!  It’s got anchovies on it.  I specifically said NO anchovies.  Bring it back, and bring me what I ordered or I’ll tell my Pops on ya.”  Mark 45:32-33

2.) And Yahweh said to Jesus, “Yep.  I’m you and your me, and the Holy Spirit is you and me, too.  We’re all three, one.  Why is this so hard for you to understand?”  Matthew 12:66-67

3.) “Obi-Wan, is Darth Vader really my father?” Luke 22:15

4.) The Prophet Greg cried out into the heavens, “OUCH!  There’s a friggin’ rock in my sandal!  Everyone who’s gathered here to hear my prophecies is gonna have to come back tomorrow.  I simply can’t work under these conditions.”  Jeremiah 12:78

5.) Pontius Pilate, upon his first arrival into Judaea, heard a man from the crowd that had gathered to greet him cry out,”Christ, Pilate, what the fuck did you do to get sent all the way out here, screw the Emperor’s wife?!” John 54:21-22

08.02.15
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Summertime Bible Quotes

And the people cried out unto Jesus, "Lord, we have mustard but no ketchup, hot dogs but no burgers, buns, but not cheese, and chips but no fries. How, oh, Lord, are we to have a picnic like this?" And Jesus replied,"Look now, and your condiments and BBQ meats, and tell me what you see?" And the people looked down, and all that they said was missing was now, miraculously, there. Luke 18:67-70

And the people cried out unto Jesus, “Lord, we have mustard but no ketchup, hot dogs but no burgers, buns, but no cheese, and chips but no potato salad.  How, oh, Lord, are we to have a BBQ like this?” And Jesus replied, “Look now, at your condiments and BBQ meats, and tell me what you see?” And the people looked, and all that they said was missing was now, miraculously, there.   Luke 18:67-70

07.12.15
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A Tale From The Book Of Exodus

As Moses Was Walking Down The Road To Leave Egypt, A Sharp Stone Slipped Into His Sandal Cutting His Foot Badly. Moses Then Cried Out, "GOD DAMN IT!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! MY FOOT!!! THESE FRIGGIN" EGYPTIAN SANDALS ARE FOR SHIT!!!! SON OF A GOD DAMN BITCH THIS HURTS!!!" Exodus, 23:24:25

As Moses Was Walking Down The Road Leaving Egypt, A Sharp Stone Slipped Into His Sandal Cutting His Foot Badly.  Moses Then Cried Out, “GOD DAMN IT!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! MY FOOT!!! THESE FRIGGIN” EGYPTIAN SANDALS ARE FOR SHIT!!!! SON OF A GOD DAMN BITCH THIS HURTS!!!”
Exodus, 23:24-25