Orange County, California. Minutes after winning last night’s election, Donald Trump revealed himself to be an orange, squid-like alien from the Andromeda galaxy. “Now that I’ve finally won this thing,” Mr. Trump said to reporters, “I can remove this ridiculously uncomfortable human form and reveal my true self to the world. My real name is Zek’da’Inteka, and I’m from a planet in the Andromeda galaxy called Marmalade Land. I came to Earth in order to rule it and to eat McDonald’s cheeseburgers. I knew no one would accept me if they saw me in my true form, so I disguised myself as a narcissistic bigot and ran for president on a platform consisting solely of wildly impossible, xenophobic promises. I want to thank everyone who voted for me. And for those who didn’t, you know who you are, I’m gonna find each and every one of you and squirt you with nasty smelling orange goo from my enormous anal glands. Well, I’m off now to eat some McDonald’s cheeseburgers and work on my plan for a speedy domination of the entire Earth. Bye bye.”
New York, New York. The results of a survey released today by CNN shows that 93% of Donald Trump supporters firmly believe ISIS is part of the Soviet Union. “These results are shocking, to say the least,” said Ben Atdanee, a professional survey conductor and part-time tuba tuner for CNN. “The survey consisted of just one question: Is ISIS part of the Soviet Union? There were only three possible answers: Yes, no, or undecided. 93 of the 100 Trump supporters surveyed said yes. The other 7 said they were undecided. When told the Soviet Union dissolved over 2 decades ago and ISIS never had anything to do with it, 87 of the 100 participants shouted, in unison, ‘Fuckin’ Benghazi, mother fucker!’ The other 13 were too drunk to respond verbally to the statement so they simply belched and passed out. Next week we’ll be conducting a survey to see how many Trump supports are in favor of placing a wall around New Mexico as well as Mexico. The results of it will be published once we have them.”
I’ve decided I’m going to run for President of the U.S. Hell, why not? I’m a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner. No other candidate can make that claim, AND I’ve picked Elmer Fudd to be my running mate. How can you go wrong with that? With the 750 million followers I have on this blog, and the 6 billion views it gets per day, there’s no way I can not become President. I wonder, now that I’m running for President, how long will it be before I start receiving national security updates?
Walled-In-City, New Jersey. Donald Trump today announced he has shaved his head in order to intimidate Hilary Clinton into conceding the 2016 Presidential race to him. “My ancestors have been shaving their heads in preparation for war ever since they first climbed out of the gold mines of Germany over 300 years ago,” Mr. Trump said earlier. “My Pops always told me, ‘Little Donnie, if you’re ever in a battle over something that will inflate your bloated ego even more than it is now, shave your head and screech at your enemy. It will terrify them into running away from you due to your superior, masculine prowess and dashing good looks.’ Hilary’s in for a shock when she sees me without my hair. I’m gonna screech, howler, and chirp at her until that liberal, atheist, fem-nazi hussy begs me to be her lord, master, and President. And once I’m President, I’ll make it law that all members of the GOP shave their heads in order to show their undying allegiance to me, Donald Trump, the greatest Republican to ever live.”
Diaperfull City, South Dakota. A new study conducted by a group of people somewhere in Idaho has revealed that toddlers are highly unlikely to vote in this year’s Presidential election. “Yeah,” said Phil McSacken, spokesman for the group of people in Idaho who conducted the study, “none of the toddlers we questioned said they’d be voting in this year’s Presidential election. As a matter of fact, most of them simply belched and spit up on us when we asked them the question. We’re not sure if this means they didn’t like, or understand the question, or if they’re just sickened by the idea of voting all together. Hard to tell with toddlers. They often are hard to read and act as if nothing around them matters except them. We’ll be doing a follow-up study to this one shortly in which we’ll determine which brand of vodka toddlers prefer most. We’ll report on the findings as soon as we have them.”
Barbershop City, Iowa. After losing the Iowa Caucuses to Hilary Clinton in a tight race, Bernie Sanders admitted his hair is a sentient being. “Yeah,” Senator Sanders said just moments ago, “my hair is actually a sentient being separate from me. It sort of just took roost on my head when I was about 16, and has been with me ever since. Next to my wife, it’s my best friend. We have great conversations, are identical on political issues, and like the same movies. The only down side is that we take separate vacations every year, and, when my hair’s gone, usually visiting its relatives in Singapore, I’m stuck wearing a lot of hats or explaining why I suddenly decided to shave my head. Any-who, I’ve got a campaign fundraiser in Chicago to get to, so my hair and I will see you later.”
Cloud 76, Heaven. Jesus Christ today, the Lord and Savior of all humanity, pledged his support behind Democratic Presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders. “I love Bernie Sanders,” Jesus said this morning. “Yes, I know, he’s Jewish, but so am I. So, deal with it. Bernie acts in a far more Christian way than 99% of people claiming to actually be Christians. Any way, he’s a man who is concerned with the well-being of all Americans, not just the wealthy white ones. I like that about him. His stance against Citizens United is a truly wonderful thing. It’s so refreshing to hear him speak.
This is especially true after listening to Republican Candidate Ben Carson idiotically telling people the Bible is to be taken literally, or Donald Trump spewing fascist, xenophobic rhetoric to his followers. Very unpleasant stuff. Take the word of Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior, and vote for Bernie Sanders. Decent human beings everywhere will be glad you did.”